


Coup de Grace

by Cherry



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst for a while, Erwin Smith sort yourself out..., Exploring beyond the walls, M/M, Masturbation, Rejection, at first anyway
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-12
Updated: 2014-09-29
Packaged: 2018-01-04 11:04:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 46,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1080276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cherry/pseuds/Cherry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The titans have been defeated, and Levi has dreams of seeing the sea and the lands beyond the walls. But Erwin lost more than his arm in the war.</p><p>Erwin... does not behave well in the first chapter. But please don't let that put you off. Uncharacteristically, he doesn't know what he's doing. He'll learn.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Cut

Now that it was all over bar today’s final victory parade and the following banquet in the royal palace, Erwin knew that the time had come to set Levi free at last.

For the past few days, Erwin had been thinking about an episode that had happened during one of the darkest moments of the long campaign, before they’d known the truth about the titans. A young recruit named Dieter had demanded to be allowed to take his friend Jurgen on a foolish quest to recover the body of their comrade, Ivan, slain by a titan near the forest of giant trees. Both Levi and Erwin had forbidden such a dangerous undertaking, but the boys had disobeyed orders, and their actions had brought several titans in pursuit of the fleeing Survey Corps expeditionary force. Ivan’s body had been lost, Jurgen killed, Dieter devastated, although the lesson he’d learned that day had led to him becoming one of the corps’ finest soldiers.

It wasn’t the result of the recruits’ disobedience that occupied Erwin now, however, but the memory of the accusations Dieter had flung at him and Levi when they’d refused to let him go in pursuit of Ivan’s body: “Don’t you two have any human feelings at all?”

“For myself, no,” Erwin murmured aloud, checking his dress uniform in the long looking glass in the elaborately furnished room he’d been allocated in the east wing of the palace for the duration of the official ceremonies. No – Erwin knew that, in his own case, Dieter’s judgement had been accurate. So many old friends and colleagues had died in the final battle, and yet Erwin had felt nothing beyond a vague regret. Nothing mattered but humanity’s victory; that had been understood from the start. Erwin had become so adept at pushing his feelings aside in ruthless pursuit of that goal, that, at some point, they must have died of neglect. He accepted the loss of his ability to engage his emotions as just another wound, similar to the loss of his right arm – something that couldn’t be helped, and would simply have to be accommodated.

But Levi was different. For all his impassive façade, Levi still felt things deeply – perhaps more deeply than Erwin ever had. Always a lonely child, Erwin had become an observer at a young age, finding solace in books and mental pursuits. Beneath his calm exterior, Levi was passionate. Levi loved his troops with a fierce devotion. When his first squad had been wiped out by Annie in her titan form, before anyone had the slightest glimmer of understanding of _why_ , Erwin remembered holding Levi, because he would always do whatever was necessary to keep his most valuable weapon primed, and feeling the small man shake against his chest with the strength of his fury and grief.

Erwin had first seen that passion in the hate-filled glare Levi had given him on their initial meeting, after Erwin and his men had successfully captured Levi and two other members of his criminal gang down in the under-city. From the start, Erwin had recognised the extraordinary power in Levi, and understood how it could be used to further his – which was to say humanity’s – purposes.

Erwin made his way out into the long, carpeted corridor. Levi emerged from the room opposite at the same time, also clad in immaculate dress uniform, the gold brocade gleaming in the light of the diamond-leaded windows at the end of the hallway. “Erwin,” Levi said, smiling with a new openness that would have touched the heart of anyone who still possessed one. “Ready?”

“As I’ll ever be.”

“Then let’s go!”

On the balcony, Erwin and Levi stood together while the king made the necessary speech, and the crowd cheered wildly. As they listened to the boom of the wall cannon firing one after another in salute, Levi nudged Erwin. “Look at Nile. Just about ready to piss himself with excitement!”

Erwin followed the direction of Levi’s gaze, smiling when he saw Nile Dawk standing to full attention at the head of the pitifully small remnants of the Military Police brigade as the Lord High Chancellor walked by.

It wasn’t a question of what to tell Levi, Erwin thought, so much as the most effective method to employ. In this case, he reasoned, the deepest cut was probably the kindest. Better to leave no doubt. Overstate the case, if anything, even if that meant the probable loss of the closest thing Erwin still had to a friend. The trouble was, he’d never expected their relationship to become so complicated.

With the ringing of bells and the adulation of the throng still echoing in their ears, Erwin and Levi made their way back to their rooms to change before the banquet.

“Only this boring dinner to go, and then we’re free!” Levi exclaimed. “Where shall we go first? After listening to Armin going on about it, I think I’d like to see the sea.”

“We’ll talk about it after dinner,” Erwin replied. Levi put a hand on his arm and looked up at Erwin, his grey eyes newly bright, the old shadows beneath them already diminished. Erwin could hardly deny him the kiss he seemed to expect. Best to get the banquet over with first. It marked the official end of the war against the titans, after all.

Fortunately Humanity’s Hope and Humanity’s Strongest were seated on either side of the king and queen at the banquet, which spared Erwin further discussion of Levi’s plans for the future.

Erwin knew that he was going to have to cut the wires, as the instructors used to do during the last phase of training with the manoeuvre gear. Levi would survive it. It would seem cruel, but it was the only logical thing to do. He’d never asked Levi to fall in love with him. Of course he’d made use of it once it had happened – what other option had there been? But that, at least, had never been a part of his original plan.

x

Levi sat on the edge of Erwin’s bed and stripped off his jacket, folding it neatly before setting it aside. “I thought the king’s speech was going to go on all night! Shit, that man can talk! Thank fuck that’s over. Get your ass over here, Hope of Humanity, or whatever the hell they’re calling you now. I’ve missed your cock in me.”

Erwin wasn’t sure why there was suddenly a tightness in his throat. This was the best way – the right decision for everyone. He put his hand on the doorframe and took a breath, schooling his face into an expression of faint surprise tinged with contempt, before turning to face Levi. “Don’t be absurd. Of course that’s over.”

Levi hardly seemed to register his words. “What is? You mean – the ceremonies?”

“No. I mean _this_.” Erwin’s sweeping gesture took in both the bed and Levi, who was staring at him, perplexed, but not yet understanding. Something in Erwin attempted a feeble protest, but he ignored it, set on his course, knowing it was necessary. “I really don’t know what you expected, Levi, but all this talk of going to the sea earlier made me realise that you’re suffering from some kind of mistaken impression about my intentions. Our ‘relationship’, if that’s what you want to call it, was only ever a professional one.”

“Yeah – of course it was,” Levi replied, rather to Erwin’s surprise. “So then, get over here, and fuck me like a _professional_.”

With an exasperated internal sigh, Erwin realised that Levi was rather drunk, and not taking him seriously at all. Bluntness was clearly indicated. “Your foul mouth is one thing I certainly won’t miss about you,” Erwin said.

Levi got to his feet, his expression suddenly uneasy. “Erwin – what’s wrong? I was only –”

Erwin raised his hand. “I don’t care what you were doing. One of the biggest reliefs about this victory is that I no longer have to concern myself with your caprices.”

“My _what_?”

“Your moods – your –”

“I know what it fucking _means_! But when did I ever –”

“It doesn’t matter. The point is, the old life is over. I’ve accepted a post as Surveyor Royal, in charge of mapping the lands beyond the walls, and organizing resettlement.”

Levi shook his head. “All right… But I thought –”

“What? That we were going to get married and live happily ever after?”

“Don’t be stupid. I thought we were going to take some time off – see the lands beyond the walls. You and me, I mean – not as part of some official survey. We can do anything we like now. We’re free.”

“Yes. Of the titans, and of each other. I thought that was what you wanted. Didn’t you join the Survey Corps to kill me, Levi?”

“You know why. And you know that hasn’t been true for years.” Levi took a step towards Erwin, but stopped when he saw his expression. “I want you,” Levi said. “There’s no reason to keep it secret from anyone now. I want you – I want us to be together.”

“That’s – unfortunate. I see our continued association as no longer necessary.”

“That’s fucking horse shit! Are you drunk? You’re not trying to tell me that everything was an act just to keep me on side? You wanted me.”

“You were sexually proficient.”

Levi scoffed. “You moaned for my dick in your mouth!”

“I did whatever I thought would keep you focussed – on the cause, or on me, it made no difference.”

“No. You liked it. You _loved_ it.”

Erwin shrugged. “You’re good at what you do. But you shouldn’t confuse that with any kind of emotional connection. Levi, you were my puppet. I don’t need you any more. The titans are gone.”

Levi propelled Erwin into the wall, grabbed the front of his jacket, and kissed him. Erwin held still and let him do it; nothing more.

“But you love me!” Levi cried.

Erwin looked down at him. “No. You’re mistaken. If I let you think so, it was for the good of the cause.”

“I love you.” Levi looked into Erwin’s eyes, shocked by his own admission. He’d never said the words before, although they’d been true for years now.

Erwin pushed him away gently and walked to the window, looking down into the torch-lit courtyard.

“Yes, I know. And I’m sorry if this gives you pain. But you always knew I was prepared to send you to your death. Why are you surprised that I would use your feelings towards me for humanity’s purposes? It was only asking a different kind of sacrifice.”

“You never _asked_! I trusted you, because you never lied to me – but you never asked me _that_.” Levi paced the room, his right hand against his temple, frowning. Erwin started to speak, but Levi cut him off. “No. No. This is a lie. I know you.”

“Levi, I’ve always respected you –”

“Don’t! Don’t you even –” Levi went to Erwin, grabbed his shoulder above the missing arm, and spun him around. “Look at me, you bastard! Tell me to my face. Is this is true?”

“Levi. You did well. Without you, we would never have won. You made amends for your past crimes. I always valued your skill and your courage, and I’ll sing your praises as a soldier to my dying day, but there’s nothing else I can give you, and nothing more I need, or want, from you. I’ll always be happy to receive you if you want to visit me, although I don’t see you as someone who’d be keen to spend a lot of time reminiscing over a cup of tea.”

Levi said nothing at all.

“You should go to all those places you talked about,” Erwin said. “You’re free, now.”

“Free,” Levi repeated, almost inaudibly.

“Yes. Free to find a new purpose. I hope you’ll be happy, Levi.”

“ _Happy_?”

“Of course. I do sincerely wish you well. You can take your horse.”

“My – horse?”

“Levi – focus. Stop repeating everything I’ve just said.”

Although he felt little any more, it was still something of a shock to Erwin to see fear in Levi’s eyes. He’d seen pain before – fury – grief – and love, of course. But never simple fear.

“Erwin – is this… Is it some kind of test?”

“No. I’m just making things clear, before this misunderstanding gets any worse. Beyond your use as a soldier, I don’t feel anything for you. You should find someone who can.”

“Can?”

“Someone who _will_ ,” said Erwin firmly, cursing his slip.

“I don’t want anyone else.”

“Yes – perhaps it would be better to travel alone, at first.”

“I don’t want anyone else. I want _you_.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You’re making a mistake.”

“No, I’m quite sure that I’m not.”

Levi opened his mouth, and closed it again. He hesitated, staring at Erwin, who looked back, impassive. Levi’s jaw clenched. He gave one, sharp nod, and walked out of the room.

Erwin sighed, wondering why letting go of Levi had been so difficult, when he was quite certain that it was the best – the fairest – path. Still, it had been necessary, and now it was done. Tonight, Erwin would look over the government proposals for the new Royal Survey Department’s funding, and tomorrow his new job would begin in earnest. 


	2. Horizons

Levi’s room was dark and cold. He hadn’t bothered to light the lamps or to ask for a fire, because he’d expected to be spending the night in Erwin’s room – in Erwin’s bed. Given all that had happened between them in the past, that had hardly been an unreasonable expectation, had it? Apparently it had. Or, at least, that was what Erwin wanted him to believe.

Leaning back against the door, Levi closed his eyes and tried to think, but for some reason all he could focus on was the sheer ludicrousness of Erwin’s statement, “You can keep your horse.”

Of course, a Survey Corps horse was a valuable commodity, and Pepper was an extraordinarily reliable and obedient creature, even among horses bred for such traits, but –

 _You can keep your horse_?

Erwin didn’t have authority to give away a horse, which meant he must have been planning to bear the cost out of his own pocket. It was an unnecessarily extravagant payoff, when a few words would have done.

“I can keep my fucking horse,” Levi said aloud.

Erwin really wanted him gone – was even giving him the means to get a long way away as quickly as possible.

Levi put his hand over his eyes, trying to make sense of Erwin’s actions. He felt oddly numb – more confused than grieving. For years he’d looked to Erwin for orders – for answers. Now he had absolutely no idea what to do or where to go. When he considered it, he realised that there were only really two options: back, or forwards.

Back would mean going inwards – returning to Sina’s underground, and attempting to rebuild what he’d had there before Erwin Smith. Levi rejected that option immediately; even at the height of his notoriety that life had been a miserable, hand-to-mouth existence.

The other choice was to do as Erwin had suggested, and go out into the lands beyond the wall.

All right, then. Fuck Erwin. Levi had spent much of his life on the streets of the underground city without anyone else to rely on, and he’d survived hadn’t he? He was Humanity’s Strongest – stronger than Erwin – stronger than anyone.  He’d go immediately, before any of the official expeditions could set out. He’d see places no one living had ever seen. It would be an adventure, anyway.

Levi took his hand away from his face and wondered for a moment why his fingers were wet, disgusted with himself when he realised that his eyes were full of tears. He wiped them away before they could fall – before it would _count_ \- all but snarling at the thought of crying over a bastard like Erwin Smith.

x

Erwin re-read the first line of the budget proposal for the fifth time before setting down the papers in frustration. The day’s ceremonies must have worn him out more than he’d thought; he supposed he wasn’t getting any younger. The food at the banquet had been almost obscenely rich after the standard military rations he’d been accustomed to - that must be what was causing this slightly queasy feeling in his stomach. Leaning over to blow out the candle, Erwin experienced a brief loss of balance, still not completely accustomed to compensating for his missing arm. Levi would most likely say –

But there was no longer any necessity to think about what Levi might say.

The next morning at breakfast Erwin half expected Levi to appear and resume the accusations of the previous evening. He rehearsed his arguments just in case, making sure that his logic was as watertight as he believed it to be, and finding it sound. But Levi didn’t come.

On his way to the royal library, where the king had assured him he would be free to read formerly forbidden documents concerning the world outside the walls, Erwin’s route happened to take him past the stables. He took the opportunity to check on his horse, and noted that the neighbouring stall was empty.

That was that, then. Good.

But that banquet really seemed to have disagreed with him. Erwin hoped he wasn’t going to be ill; he had a lot of work to do.

x

Levi headed north for no other reason than that, when he’d passed out of the last gate, the sky had been bluer in that direction, and he hadn’t felt like starting his journey in the rainstorm promised by the ominous sky to the south. He was travelling light, carrying only rations, an oilskin to make a bivouac, a tinderbox, a rifle and ammunition. He wore the manoeuvre gear without the sheaths or the blades, in case he needed to make a difficult climb at any point, and there was a long hunting knife at his side. His canteen hung from Pepper’s saddle, and a thick blanket was rolled inside the oilskin behind it.

Although his uniform was military issue rather than his own property, Levi had kept it, reasoning that the corps owed him that much, and that, in any case, it would be unlikely to fit anyone else. Besides, the thought of leaving the walls dressed in any other manner would have seemed bizarre.

Travelling alone in the open felt strange. Levi couldn’t help maintaining his accustomed levels of concentrated alertness, even though the titan threat was gone. Of course, it was wise to be careful, although Pepper would probably warn him of any danger from wild animals before his human senses could detect them. Bears and wolves had been spotted on previous expeditions beyond the walls, but no one had ever been attacked by them, and they always fled at the approach of horses.

The landscape was familiar from previous sorties: short meadow grass, sparse shrubs and clumps of conifers, scatterings of blue and white flowers whose names Levi had never known. All day the ground rose slightly under Pepper’s steady hooves, and by the time the sun had sunk to the level of Levi’s left shoulder, he realised that they must have climbed to a considerable altitude.  “Whoa,” Levi ordered gently, surprised by the volume of his own voice in the still air. Startled, Pepper flicked back her ears for a moment, but she stopped obediently and took the chance to crop the springy grass.  

For the first time, Levi turned to look back at the walls. He’d never been out this far north before, and consequently had never seen the inhabited lands from such a height. Wall Maria stretched in a grey line north and south as far as he could see. Far off, almost at the horizon, he thought he could make out a second line: Wall Rose. The land enclosed by the walls covered a huge area, and the idea of how much more unexplored territory must exist in comparison was astonishing to Levi. He held up one hand, closing his left eye, and brought his thumb and index finger together, measuring height of Wall Maria. From this distance, the towering rampart appeared less than an inch tall.

Levi clicked his tongue, and Pepper set off again immediately. It suddenly seemed important to Levi to leave the walls behind. He had about an hour until sunset, and, judging from the slope in front of him, he would be able to crest the hill before then, and make camp in a place where the horizon bounded a territory in which he was the only human presence.

These lands must once have had names, Levi thought, as Pepper trotted forward at his quiet command. Erwin had probably already ransacked the King’s library. Levi could picture him surrounded by maps, thinking out his new campaign as meticulously as he had always planned reconnaissance expeditions in the past, working out which areas would be most suitable for immediate resettlement, establishing supply lines, so that new villages could be build – new cities…

And naturally Erwin would be at the vanguard as humanity moved beyond the confines of the walls – leading the march to freedom – mapping – staking claim.

Erwinville. Smith Town.

Bastard.

As soon as he crossed the summit of the hill and had descended far enough so that the walls were no longer visible, Levi tethered Pepper to a ragged hawthorn and set about gathering firewood. Once he had a small blaze going, Levi stood to watch the sun sinking behind a low range of hills to the west. It wasn’t a spectacular sunset – bars of low grey cloud streaking a flat yellow sky – but Levi had only watched the sun setting outside the walls on a handful of occasions, and even thoughts of Erwin Smith couldn’t make him cynical enough not to be moved by the sight.

x

Erwin lifted the heavy volumes of maps and charts from the library shelf with some difficulty, glad that he was alone and there were no witnesses to his inept one-handed fumbling. He had to pull the books towards him one at a time, and then either balance them precariously on his forearm, or clutch them to his shoulder, using his chin to prevent them slipping sideways, as he transported them to the polished mahogany table by the window.

One particularly useful map, showing lands to the northwest of the walls, had been drawn on a parchment scroll that kept rolling itself up as he tried to look at it. Erwin clicked his tongue in irritation. “Levi, can’t –”

Erwin’s heart gave a peculiar lurch which he knew he couldn’t blame on the after effects of the banquet, or anything other than feelings he’d tried to assure himself he no longer possessed.

But of course he would miss Levi’s physical presence, he told himself, searching the room for a paperweight or candlestick – anything to keep the damn map from curling in on itself. Levi had been at his side more or less permanently for over seven years. An occasional occupant of his bed for five. His absence was bound to be noticeable and inconvenient, in much the same way as his missing arm had been at first, and, to tell the truth, continued to be. But giving up Levi had been an even more necessary sacrifice. The loss of his arm could perhaps have been avoided, if circumstances had been slightly different. But to keep Levi with him for his own comfort and convenience when he had nothing to give in return – that would be unforgivably self-indulgent. There was no reason why Levi shouldn’t live a normal life now, once he’d recovered from the shock Erwin knew he’d delivered. Levi wasn’t yet forty – he could marry – even become a father. He had survived the titans whole and strong; he was a hero of humanity. Who deserved freedom more than Levi?

Weighting the map with a glass inkwell, two candlesticks, and a small bronze sculpture of a wren, Erwin surveyed the unfamiliar shapes of borders, the shaded mountain ranges, and the names inked in black, ancient letters. Were these divided areas fiefdoms? Districts of a large kingdom? Individual countries? Erwin had no idea. There were formerly forbidden volumes of history in the library as well as the maps and atlases. In time, he would discover what lands had existed before the titans. In the top left corner of the map, almost obscured by an elaborately drawn compass rose, was a thin line shaded in blue.

Had Levi already gone beyond the walls? Erwin couldn’t blame him for leaving without a word, but he would have been interested in knowing Levi’s plans. It was somehow strange to think of Levi’s small figure alone in that vast, empty terrain. 


	3. Distant Blue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains some spoilers for "A Choice With No Regrets", although some of the dialogue is my own speculation. I read a very useful summary of the visual novel written by commander-of-blood on Tumblr, and some of Levi's memories here are taken from events described in that.
> 
> Thank you so much for the kudos and comments. They are greatly appreciated. 
> 
> This is turning out to be longer than I intended. Levi and Erwin will meet again one day...

Levi had been travelling for twenty-one days, keeping meticulous pencilled records in his small, standard issue notebook. He had little skill at drawing, but he did his best to sketch features of the landscape he thought might be useful to anyone wishing to explore in this direction in the future, judging his approximate position by the sun and the number of miles he estimated he had ridden. It was all guesswork, of course. Erwin and his new Survey Corps would have proper equipment: telescopes, alidades, astrolabes, and doubtless a new group of recruits trained in their use. Armin Arlert, Levi was sure, would continue to be an asset in these changed circumstances. Erwin would probably make him a captain. Levi looked towards the horizon, and bit his lip. Growing up in the under-city, Levi had never managed much of an education; mathematics was a mystery to him.

For the last few days Levi had been riding across a flat, grassy plain crisscrossed by small streams, but otherwise more or less featureless. Some of the streams seemed to flow in suspiciously straight lines, and Levi wondered if they were man-made – possibly drainage ditches of some kind. Occasional boggy areas made the going difficult, and he was considering turning west, since to head south or east would take him back towards the walls, but something kept him riding north – some sense he couldn’t define – something in the air. Mike would have known what it was, Levi thought, with the familiar weight of sorrow that still took him by surprise from time to time, even now.

But there was beauty to be found in these apparently drab lands. Levi spent a lot of time looking up at the open sky, sometimes feeling an unaccustomed sense of vertigo when sky was all he could see, unbounded by walls, or hills, or even a tree line. The urge for flight had often come over him on his journey, and he’d been able to indulge it once or twice in a thick pine forest that he’d skirted for two days in the first week of his trip, but since then there had been nowhere to use his gear. Here the land was very quiet – streams too small and sluggish to splash or roar like the waterfall he’d seen on the seventh day – little sound at all but the swishing of the grasses in the wind, or the occasional lonely cry of a bird.

There might be a kind of peace to be found in a landscape like this, Levi thought, if only he could get Erwin Smith out of his head.

The trouble with travelling alone was that there was far too much time to think. Levi tried to focus on what he was experiencing, but most of what he saw reminded him of Erwin in one way or another.

Once, thousands of humans had lived in these lands. On the fourth day, Levi had found a village that seemed untouched by titans, although, of course, there were no people. The dwellings had looked similar to those in the poorer districts of Wall Maria, or the countryside of Wall Rose – simple, timber-framed houses, stables, a windmill, and one rather more substantial stone structure Levi thought must have been a religious building, although the faded wall-paintings had depicted none of the Three Goddesses, instead seeming to tell a story Levi didn’t know. He’d paused for a long time in front of a relatively unworn panel showing a boat not unlike the ones on the canals inside the walls, floating on a huge lake, or perhaps even the sea. The boat seemed to be full of animals or monsters. Levi attempted to sketch the picture, and made a few notes about the buildings, wondering what Erwin’s quick mind would have made of it all.

Levi knew that there had once been many different beliefs, but that the first King inside the walls, Kasimir, had banned all overt religious practices in the name of peace. Religious books and artefacts had been seized and supposedly destroyed, although from what Levi had seen on various thieving excursions inside Sina during his default leadership of one of the most prominent gangs of the underground city, many of the wealthiest householders owned treasures that might well once have been attached to some kind of religion. Levi found himself trying to imagine what Erwin would have said about the silent village and its little stone temple or church. Erwin had a way of piecing things together – seeing connections between things that other people missed.

Levi hated the way he longed for that bastard’s presence. More, even, than Erwin’s physical touch, it was his company Levi missed. He tried not to dwell on Erwin’s words on the night of the victory parade, but his mind kept throwing phrases at him.

“You were my puppet,” Erwin had said. Was that true? Did the words disturb him so much because there was truth behind them? When he joined the Survey Corps, Levi’s motives had been simple enough – to carry out the plan to kill Erwin and take the document that would guarantee financial independence for himself, Farlan and Isabel, and to avenge the destruction of his reputation caused by Erwin’s capture of himself and his friends. But Erwin Smith hadn’t turned out to be anything like the self-obsessed, arrogant Sina cocksucker Levi had been expecting. Erwin’s belief in his cause had seemed absolute. He put himself first in nothing, living as frugally as the soldiers under his captaincy, and risking his own life against the titans as willingly, if not more so, than he risked theirs.

After Isabel and Farlan had been killed, through his own fault because he’d left them alone in his determination to take his vengeance on Erwin, Levi had seen no other course but death if his fatal pride were to remain intact. At that time he’d thought his pride was all he had. In the underground city the facts of life were simple: if you went up against someone and lost, your life was theirs. They killed you, or you became their follower, submitting to the pack leader like the dog you were then considered to be - and Levi would never be anyone’s dog. So he’d told Erwin to kill him there on the battlefield, beside the mangled remains of the only friends he’d ever known. It had seemed an appropriately pathetic end to a pathetic life, kneeling in blood and dirt beneath the relentless rain.

But Erwin Smith had refused to kill him. Levi couldn’t remember the exact words Erwin had used; he had been too distracted by grief and a numbing sense of futility to take everything in, but the gist had been that another death would be nothing but waste, that humanity needed Levi’s skill, that he represented Erwin’s best chance of making enough of a success of the mission to ensure the survival of the Survey Corps and therefore the continuation of the war on the titans. _Make your friends’ deaths count for something_ – that had been the message, although Erwin hadn’t stated it so baldly. What had finally reached Levi was the gradual understanding that Erwin _believed_ – that he really could see a future where humanity would be able to move beyond the walls, and had a notion of how to make that happen. Levi had never felt that kind of faith, but he had clung to an ambition – to get himself and his friends out of the underground city. Erwin’s conviction that humanity could go further – that real freedom was possible – resonated with Levi, even through his grief and shock.

“You believe I’m more use alive than dead?” Levi had asked.

“Useless dead. Potentially more useful than anyone else, alive,” Erwin had replied.

“You can see a future that would be worth something?”

Erwin’s eyes and voice had held utter conviction as he’d answered simply, “Yes.”

“Then – you have something I don’t.”

“I have no hold over you now, Levi. And I wouldn’t use it if I had. It’s your choice – you can go back to the underground city, or you can work with me.”

“I’ll come with you,” Levi had replied. “Perhaps you have what I’m missing.”

Had he followed Erwin too blindly? Erwin’s decisions had led to victory, but at a huge cost in lives. Had Levi merely been his puppet all along? And if he’d attempted to take his own path in certain situations, might some events have turned out differently?

Lost in memories and uncomfortable speculations, Levi was taking little notice of his surroundings until a strange, keening cry sounded in the air above him and a large grey and white bird with a black head and wide, strong wings, passed overhead. Levi watched the bird’s trajectory. It flew northwest, towards the horizon, and, as his eyes followed it, Levi suddenly realised that, beyond the green expanse of the marshes, the horizon was a perfectly flat line of grey-blue.

“The sea?” Levi wondered aloud.  Pepper’s ears twitched and she shook her mane, but she slowed and stopped, obedient to Levi’s guiding hands on the reins.

Levi was overcome by an almost violent feeling of complete reluctance at the thought of continuing towards that once longed-for horizon. Erwin was supposed to have been with him at this moment. Without him, the experience of reaching the ocean would have no significant meaning. Erwin had given him two choices – go back to Sina, or venture outside the walls alone. But what if there were other choices, after all? Of course even Erwin Smith had never been infallible, but Levi had let him bear the responsibility of pretending to be. No wonder Erwin had needed to be free of that burden.

 _You’ve gone and thrown the fucking baby out with the bathwater, Erwin_ , Levi thought, smiling a little for the first time since leaving the walls behind. _And I just let you do it. You’re a stupid, stubborn bastard – but how am I any better when I played straight into your hands?_

Levi turned Pepper around, and headed east, taking the most direct route back towards the walls, leaving the sea behind him without once looking back.

x

It had taken Erwin almost a month to put all the arrangements in place for the first official peacetime mission beyond the walls. He couldn’t help a somewhat cynical smile as he surveyed the impressive line of soldiers, scientists, horses and wagons that now waited before the northern gate of Wall Maria. It had proved remarkably easy to raise funds for this expedition. Merchants and nobles who had studiously ignored his pleas for money as commander of the old Survey Corps were suddenly queuing up to throw gold at him in the expectation of information about fertile lands, reclaimable towns and the likely locations of profitable mineral deposits. Although he had constantly repeated that all information gathered would be the property of the crown, many of his eager donors had only nodded and winked, handing over bags of coins, assuring him that they understood, of course, no special favours. But if he happened to hear of a gold-bearing river, or a likely seam of ore… Erwin made no promises, but the money kept coming nonetheless. It seemed that greed was a greater motivator than fear. Levi would have scoffed, Erwin thought, and the quality of his smile changed.

“Erwin, are you all right?” Zoe Hange asked from her horse at his side.

Erwin nodded, turning his attention back to the gate. “Yes, thank you. It’s a momentous occasion.”

Zoe grinned at him, her enthusiasm undimmed despite the patch she now wore over her right eye, and the odd slope of her damaged shoulder. “I can’t wait!” she cried. “It’ll be like old times!”

Behind her, Moblit sighed. “Not quite like old times, I hope. I’d appreciate it if you’d avoid riding headlong over precipices or galloping into fog when you have no idea of the terrain.”

“I won’t,” Zoe said, still smiling, but her expression tender as she looked back at him. “You won’t have to rescue me again.” She glanced over at Captain Arlert, riding at Erwin’s right side. “Armin - when did you get so tall?” she called.

Armin smiled at her. “I grew a lot this last summer.”

“Who’d’ve thought?” Zoe wondered aloud. “Little Armin, one of the few to stay with the military, and grown so tall he’d have given Mike a run for his money.”

Armin shook his head. “I’m only just six foot. Squad Leader Zacharius was much taller wasn’t he?”

“He was,” Zoe nodded. “Six foot five, or more. He would have loved this kind of work. So many new things to smell! Too many people aren’t here…” She shot a speculative look at Erwin, who had ignored most of her questions about Levi, telling her only that the captain had chosen to go exploring, and that he’d heard that Levi had left Wall Maria by the western gate weeks ago. Zoe knew that there was more to the story – Erwin’s too rigid bearing and falsely dismissive attitude in response to her questions had told her that much – but she resolved to wait until the surveying work was underway before attempting to worm the truth out of him.

Conversation halted at the familiar low rumble of the gate opening. Although the titans had gone, the king and parliament had been adamant that all the gates should remain closed until proper surveying of the lands beyond the walls could take place. Individuals were free to go exploring out beyond the walls if they wished, but there was to be no emigration and no wagons were permitted to leave. Surprisingly, there had been little protest. There were rumours that titans might still exist in far away lands – and even if they really had all vanished from the world, there might be unknown predatory animals to deal with, or even other human survivors who could prove hostile. Most people seemed to feel that it was better to wait for the managed emigration promised by the king. Farming had already begun outside the walls, and the fertile lands inside Wall Maria were starting to produce crops. With no food shortages to worry about, the drive to leave the shelter of the walls diminished greatly.

Erwin took his old accustomed place at the head of the Survey Corps Expeditionary Force. He’d chosen a route that would take them east, towards lands that had once been densely populated, and where a range of mountains suggested the possibility of useful mineral deposits. Of course he’d been somewhat tempted by that thin line of blue in the top left-hand corner of the ancient map, but the land in that direction seemed mainly flat and marshy; good potential farm land, but little else. The idea that Levi might already have reached the sea disturbed him somehow, and he didn’t want to dwell on the reasons for that. Levi was free, and Erwin had work to do.

When the gate was fully open, Erwin raised his hand as a signal to the rest of the corps. “The first peacetime mission beyond the walls!” he cried, as his troops broke into a spontaneous cheer. “Forward!” 


	4. Return

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for kudosing and commenting, and for sticking with this slow, slow story. Erwin and Levi will meet again... eventually.

Rather than retracing his route to the western gate, Levi decided to head directly east, aiming to meet the north-western section of Wall Maria and follow it round to the north gate. He’d already travelled so far north that, as far as he could judge from his crude calculations, he was closer to the northern gate than the one he’d left by, and now that he’d settled on a course of action he wanted to get back to the capital, and Erwin, as quickly as possible.

For all his initial fury at Erwin’s condescension, Levi had to admit that being allowed to keep his horse had made his journey significantly easier than it would have been on some rented nag, but even an animal as resilient and good-natured as Pepper couldn’t be expected to cover more than thirty miles a day on an extended trip, and the trek back to the walls seemed frustratingly slow.

The ground beneath Pepper’s hooves became drier as they travelled east, the marshy countryside giving way to woodland, and finally forest. Levi took the chance to fly as soon as he encountered trees tall enough to make it possible, revelling in the feeling of being airborne again, testing muscles that were already starting to lose strength through lack of use. The old, familiar drills came back to him as he added spins and flips for the sheer exhilarating sense of freedom that flight brought him.

He paid for it three days later, when, having left the forest behind, he started to suffer from the kind of deep muscular aches he hadn’t experienced since he first started training with Farlan’s stolen gear, years past. That night, as he laid out his blanket under bright stars, deciding that the air was mild enough to dispense with the bivouac, Levi felt the burn of tired muscles, and found that he welcomed it. Wrapping himself in his cloak, he lay on his back looking up into the sky. Pepper snorted quietly in the darkness nearby.

Almost nothing was better than the feeling of flight, Levi thought, rubbing at his right thigh where the ache was particularly intense, the result of compensating for the lingering weakness in his left leg. He had never fully healed from the wound he’d received saving Mikasa from Annie in her titan form. Well, Mikasa had repaid his trust a thousand times over. Flying had come naturally to her, as it had to him, although she’d never seemed to take pleasure in it in the way he did. Perhaps now the fighting was over a new kind of recruit would learn to use the gear merely for exercise and the simple joy of flying. Once you had experienced flight, it was a difficult thing to give up. Even with one arm, Erwin had learned to fly again after a fashion…

Levi cursed himself. Why was he incapable of thinking for long about any subject without these intrusive thoughts of Erwin Smith? He didn’t want Erwin in his mind – not now, lying relaxed as he was, the pleasant ache of hard exercise making him too aware of his body and its usually repressible responses. Flooded with a sudden longing for Erwin’s physical presence in a way he’d managed to avoid since setting out from the walls, Levi found himself immediately aroused, his swiftly stiffening cock bringing to mind memories of Erwin’s – the size, and weight, and shape of it – memories of Erwin’s mouth on him, Erwin’s body heavy over his own –

With a soft, pained gasp that was part disappointment in his own lack of control but, more, the relief of released tension, Levi unbuttoned his trousers and shoved them down far enough to get his hand on his cock properly, his mind full of images of Erwin – the sheer power of the man, the muscled lines of his body, the feel of the soft fuzz of golden hairs on the outsides of his strong thighs, and the smell and taste of the warm, taut skin on the insides –

“Wait!” Levi cried aloud, shuddering as he came, hard, and too soon. Pepper whinnied, startled, and Levi called to her in the darkness, reassuring her, as he searched for a handkerchief and wondered exactly what he’d meant.

“Disgusting,” he muttered, wiping himself clean, irritated by his lack of self-control, but not really regretful. He still wanted Erwin – well, that was hardly news.

He still loved Erwin…

Levi didn’t want to think about the implications of that. He had no plan beyond returning to Sina, finding Erwin, and asking him to reconsider. Asking – not begging. Levi retained enough of his old pride to make begging impossible. But he wouldn’t allow Erwin to dismiss him without challenging it once – not when he was almost sure that Erwin was lying to someone – either to Levi, or to himself. Levi pulled his cloak tight around him and lay down again, but sleep was elusive, and when it eventually came, it brought him dreams of Erwin Smith.

x

It took Levi nearly three weeks to reach Wall Maria. As soon as he crested a low hill and saw the long line of the wall stretching from horizon to horizon, he expected to sense a change in the air – a constriction in his lungs. All his life he’d longed for the freedom of the world beyond the walls. In the underground city the air had been permanently tainted by the stench of confined humanity, but even in the streets above ground, even out in the countryside between Wall Sina and Wall Rose, Levi had always felt that the atmosphere was somehow oppressive. The first time he’d left the walls, he’d sensed the difference with his whole being: freedom was tangible – a feeling like flight – an upward surge of pure, delighted energy. The first time he’d left the walls, Levi had laughed.

But now he was actually confronted by the walls again, Levi only felt impatience. He turned north along the wall, following its slow curve through the points of the compass until he was bearing almost due east. After another three days’ journey he reached the north gate, where the guards told him that the first division of the new Royal Survey Corps, led by Commander Erwin Smith, had left by the east gate nearly two weeks ago.

Levi stayed with the garrison guard long enough to see Pepper well cared for, and to eat a hasty meal himself, before setting out for Sina on a hired horse, leaving instructions that Pepper should be sent back to the Survey Corps barracks once she was properly rested.

Two days later, Levi reached Sina. Having written to request an audience with the king, he spent the night at the new Survey Corps barracks, where he was able to have a bath after his weeks of travelling. The next morning, scrubbed clean and dressed in a new uniform, Levi made his way to the palace. The morning was sunny, and the sky a clear blue, but when a crow evaded the path of his horse with an ungainly flapping hop, Levi scoffed. “If you have wings, use them, and get out of here,” he told it. “This whole place still smells like piss.”

Levi hadn’t been sure what to expect, but he was relieved when his audience with the king turned out to be an ordinary enough meeting in an office that, despite the ornate plaster work on the high ceiling and the opulence of the carpets and curtains, was essentially the much the same as Erwin’s had been. The military police guards at the door saluted him politely as he entered, and the king waved impatiently at his bow. “Captain Levi, _you_ honour _me_. I hope you are not unaware of my constant, and continued, support of the Survey Corps, in both its old and new incarnations. Please, have a seat, and tell me what I can do for you?”

Levi remembered the king’s liking for long speeches from the day of the victory celebrations – the day that had ended in Erwin’s rejection of him, and his decision to leave the walls. He pushed the memory away, but not before the too familiar ache of that loss twisted inside him again. Levi had never had any patience or aptitude for fancy words. “I’ve come to ask for my old job back.”

“I wasn’t aware that you’d resigned your commission?”

“Well – not officially. But I assumed Erwin – Commander Smith -”

“As far as I know your rank stands. I’ll have someone look into it.” He gestured to one of the guards at the door, who saluted and left the room. “If not, you can be reinstated with immediate effect, if that’s what you want. You know that Commander Smith and the first division of the Royal Survey Corps left the walls two weeks ago? But there are three more divisions preparing to go – one for each cardinal compass point. Symbolic, you know.”

“The Wall Maria garrison soldiers said Erwin went east.”

“Yes. From his studies of the old maps, he thought that seemed the most promising direction for immediate resettlement. Expansion is our primary aim. Fertile land, pre-existing settlements, resources. Official news reports had it that we chose east for new beginnings – dawn, fresh start, and so forth. But, as always, the truth is more practical than poetic.”

“I want to join the first division,” Levi said.

“Well, of course, if that’s what you want. But you could lead one of the others. The second is heading north in a few days.”

“I’d like to report to Erwin,” Levi insisted. “I’ve travelled northwest already; I have some information. But Erwin was right – there’s not much there as far as easy resettlement goes. I came across a handful of small villages, but there’s a lot of marshland too. Erwin should know.” 

“As you wish. I’m well aware of what we all owe to you Levi. But indulge an old man for a while. Tell me what you saw. Is it true all the titans have definitely gone? What’s the world like, beyond the walls?”

Levi gave the king as full an account of his journey as he could manage, aided by his notebook. The atrocious quality of his scribbled pictures almost made Levi blush, but the king seemed fascinated, listening intently and asking sensible questions. By the time the guardsman returned with a ledger confirming that Levi had never been discharged from the corps, Levi’s estimation of the king had risen considerably.

“Well, it seems Erwin kept you on the books,” said the king with a smile. “Possibly an oversight – or perhaps he couldn’t bear to let Humanity’s Strongest go, eh? Well – you have some more riding in front of you if you intend to catch up with them. I can have a courier notify Erwin –”

“No – thank you, your majesty,” Levi said hastily. “I’ll be my own courier. I can travel fast, alone. It won’t be hard to track a wagon train over country no other humans have set foot in for a hundred years.”

“Very well then. Good. Report to the barracks for any supplies you need. Parliament is delighted to approve funding for excursions beyond the walls these days, you know.”

Levi made no comment, but he thought he detected a note of irony in the king’s tone.

 

On his way out of the palace, Levi turned to descend the wide main staircase and came face to face with Erwin Smith.

It was an excellent portrait, Levi acknowledged, as his heartbeat returned to normal and he released his caught breath. Almost life-sized, Erwin had been painted looking out at the viewer in full dress uniform, the right sleeve of his jacket pinned up, presumably to emphasise the loss of his arm in the service of humanity, his left hand resting on a desk upon which stood various symbolic objects; a map, a naked blade, a key. Behind him hung the banner of the Survey Corps, the wings of freedom clearly displayed. The composition was conventional enough, but the artist had captured Erwin’s expression so well that Levi experienced a jolt of pure longing, confronted so unexpectedly by the uncompromising scrutiny of those familiar blue eyes.

“Tch. Who the hell d’you think you’re looking at, smug bastard?” Levi muttered. Tearing his eyes from the painting he descended the stairs with rapid, irritated steps. If he reacted in this stupid way when he saw a _picture_ of Erwin Smith, how on earth was he going to be able to keep his poise when he finally caught up with the first division of the Survey Corps and faced the real Erwin again?

x

Erwin felt better for being outside the walls. It was a miserable night - one that made him very grateful for the sturdy waterproof oilskin of his tent, as the rain beat against the west-facing side and the canvass shuddered in the wind - but even in such conditions Erwin much preferred being occupied in some meaningful fashion to an easy life inside the walls. The hurricane lamp on the folding camp table gave a steady, warm light for reading as he reviewed the latest reports from the surveying teams. There was a small town ahead, once called _Hochwald_ according to the old maps. Armin had already ridden ahead to the outskirts and his report was promising – many relatively intact dwellings, a stone bridge that seemed sound, fields in the surrounding area that still appeared to be producing some wheat among the weeds after a hundred years of neglect. Once the weather improved they would be able to begin a full survey, but in this wind and rain it was unwise to start exploring. Erwin wasn’t about to send people who had survived the titans into possibly dangerous and unstable buildings. The thought of anyone being hurt unnecessarily had always been abhorrent to him, even in the days when he had been forced to sacrifice his soldiers. He thanked whatever powers might exist that those days were over.

Zoe Hange entered the tent, her hair dripping, her glasses steaming up as soon as the warm air touched them. Taking them off and wiping them on her sleeve, Zoe grinned at Erwin. “Only having one good eye is difficult enough. This weather leaves me as blind as a bat. Although, of course, bats aren’t really blind.”

Replacing her glasses, she sat down on Erwin’s narrow camp bed. “Our first real town outside the walls!” she exclaimed. “I can’t wait! Armin estimates we might be able to settle a thousand people here. Five hundred at the very least. Got anything decent to drink?”

“You’re welcome to some tea,” Erwin replied. “I’ve just made a pot. I don’t have anything stronger with me, sorry.”

“Tea’s good. I wonder what we’ll find as we explore? What do you think real tea tastes like? I read that before the titans, tea was made with leaves that came from lands hundreds of miles away.”

“This _is_ real tea," Erwin said. “The king’s glasshouses are full of exotic remnants of the old world. They grow tea, lemons, oranges… This is even better than the so called black tea the rich merchants used to sell. I'll give you some. It's something of an acquired taste though - bitter, and not at all like standard army-issue mint tea.”

As Erwin poured the fragrant-smelling tea from the teapot into two cups, Zoe picked up a small object from the table and held it up to the light. “What’s this?”

“Oh – I’m afraid I inadvertently stole that from the king.”

“What?” Zoe’s mouth fell open, and Erwin laughed.

“It was in the royal library. I was using it as a paperweight. When I put the maps away, I couldn’t carry everything, so I put it in my pocket, and forgot about it. I found it the next day, when I’d already returned to the barracks. I meant to take it back, but I never remembered to do it, and it somehow ended up in the luggage. I’ll return it when we get back.”

Zoe examined the little bronze sculpture. “It’s a wren.” She placed it back on the table. “It’s quite realistic, isn’t it?”

Erwin picked up the little bird and looked at it. “Yes - it’s a skilful carving.”

“It reminds me of Levi,” Zoe commented.

Erwin set down the sculpture quickly, knocking it onto its side. Zoe righted it, and turned it to face him. “Don’t you think it does? Look – the way it’s looking up at us. The way it’s about to take flight.”

“It’s just a bird.” Erwin picked up his cup and sipped his tea. Zoe watched him.

“What happened? Why did he leave?”

“I told him he was free to go where he wanted. He chose to go exploring outside the walls. According to the log of the Wall Maria garrison, he left on horseback by the west gate.”

“Yes, you told me that before. That’s not what I mean. Why isn’t he here, with us? With _you_?”

“I thought –”

“What?” Zoe persisted. “Something happened, that’s obvious. You and Levi –”

“What about me and Levi?” Erwin said, frowning. “I don’t understand why you would expect him to be here. The war’s over. He never had any interest in logistics or actual surveying.”

“But the lands outside the walls – he always wanted to see them!” Zoe exclaimed. “And I’m not saying I believed all the rumours, but you can’t tell me you saw him as just another solider!”

“Of course not. He was the best of all our soldiers. That’s why, as soon as I saw him using the gear in the underground city, I knew he had to join us. He was – an opportunity I couldn’t afford to ignore.”

“ _Then_ , yes!” Zoe said, looking at Erwin intently. “That’s how it was at the start. But that’s not how it ended up. Is it?”

“I thought it would be best to draw a line under all of that,” Erwin said, not looking at Zoe. “I thought it through impartially, and came to the conclusion that it would be best for both of us to go our separate ways. I think –”

“- Never mind what you _think_ , Erwin! What do you _feel_?” Zoe interrupted, exasperated.

Erwin picked up the wren sculpture, and put it down again. “I –”

_I don’t._

“I don’t have anything to say on this topic.” Erwin turned his head to meet Zoe’s expectant gaze resolutely. “I’ve read Armin’s report. Did you get a chance to look at any crop samples? The land in this area seems very fertile.”

Zoe sighed. “Yes – I’ve already done some analysis,” she told him, finishing her tea without commenting on its flavour and setting down the cup just a bit too hard. “Wheat should flourish here. Plenty of south-facing slopes too; I found evidence of former wine production on the way in yesterday. I’m sure that will make the merchants happy. Did you tell him to go?”

“What?”

“Levi. Did you send him away? Because if you did –”

“That’s enough! It’s not your business, and anyway, it’s finished. Leave it.”

“All right, if you say so.” Zoe got to her feet, buttoning up her long trench coat in preparation to brave the relentless rain. “But I think it is my business when it seems to be making you so miserable. You’re still my friend, I hope, as well as my commanding officer. Levi’s my friend, too, but he left without saying a word, and that’s…” Zoe waved her hands in helpless irritation. “You know, if Mike were still here, he’d call you out on this bullshit, Erwin. I bet you stink of it!”

The canvass flap slapped wetly back into position as Zoe left the tent, but the vigour of her movements left Erwin in no doubt that if there had been a door to slam, she would have slammed it behind her.

 


	5. Survivors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erwin and Levi finally meet again. Which is a good thing - isn't it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been overwhelmed by the responses to this story. Thank you so much for reading!

“Tch. Pigs!”

The horse – a sorrel mare called Edel – flicked her ears at Levi’s irritated exclamation. Levi patted her neck before dismounting to retrieve an abandoned canteen from the side of the deeply rutted path made by the passage of the Survey Corps’ wagon train. The leather canteen was holed, which was presumably why it had been discarded, but the hole was small and could easily have been patched. Levi turned it over in his hands, frowning. What was Erwin thinking of, permitting such waste?

Sighing, Levi tucked the damaged canteen into his pack and remounted, looking ahead at the wide swath of churned earth stretching towards the horizon. He’d been right when he’d told the king it would be an easy task to track the Survey Corps’ progress through the countryside. Edel shifted beneath him, eager to be off. She was a good horse, if slightly restive. Levi missed Pepper, but he hadn’t wanted to waste time waiting for her arrival from the Wall Maria barracks where he’d left her to recover from the long journey north. When he’d left the walls ten days earlier, Levi had felt a compulsion to move quickly. But now that it seemed he was close to catching up with the Survey Corps – judging by the remains of fires and food he’d found, and the relative freshness of the frequent piles of horse dung - he knew that he was finding reasons to travel more slowly, telling himself that Edel needed rest, stopping to pick up a damaged canteen…

The truth was, Levi finally admitted to himself, his eyes on the low hills to the east beyond which he was almost certain he would find the Corps – the truth was that he was nervous about seeing Erwin again.

x

After their conversation about Levi, Erwin had avoided being alone with Zoe. Fortunately she was busy working on a multitude of projects at once, attempting to catalogue all the new flora and fauna encountered so far, helping Armin with the details of the resettlement viability study, taking soil samples to ascertain which varieties of crops would be most suitable for the settlers to grow, and speculating about the kinds of societies that had existed before the titans came. Until she started interfering in the matter of Levi, Erwin had found Zoe’s enthusiasm a welcome distraction from his own thoughts. He wished he could share her obvious passion for the work – she took endless delight in the smallest aspects of her studies. Of all of them, Erwin thought Zoe was the one who had moved on from the old life most successfully. She was full of ideas about the future, and discussed them with an exuberant energy that sometimes made Erwin feel very tired.

Although he had always behaved as though he believed in the dream of a titan-free world, Erwin wondered whether that had ever really been the truth. It had been the only goal that mattered for all his adult life, and he had been prepared to sacrifice everything for it. He had fully expected to die. The fact that he had achieved his goal and survived was a kind of continual shock to him.

And Levi had survived, too. Erwin had always hoped for that, of course – longed for it, if he was honest - but he’d never dared to put that hope into words, even in the privacy of his own head. Some superstitious idea of tempting fate had convinced him that, if he even so much as imagined Levi surviving the titans, then he would surely die.

What Zoe, in all her passionate vitality, failed to understand was that physical human life could continue when humanity was dead. Erwin watched his troops now with a complete sense of detachment – Zoe’s brimming liveliness, Armin’s youthful positivity, so many of the men and women of the Survey Corps, freed from the threat of imminent death, rejoicing in their work, and beginning to form relationships that aimed towards a real future – Erwin saw it all, and was distantly glad of it, but he felt nothing.

And that was as it should be. Erwin knew that he deserved this emptiness. He had sacrificed so many people to his cause, and yet he had lived, when he was surely the one most deserving of death. He had lived, and Levi had lived – the one person in the world he would have saved above all others given the choice – the one person he –

No. That was a gift he could never accept.

So much better like this - that Erwin should do useful work until his physical death, and that Levi, who belonged with the living, should be free.

x

“Lieutenant Keiji?’

The man turned, eyes widening as he recognised the small soldier standing behind him. “Captain Levi! I didn’t – Were we expecting you?”

“No. I’ve been exploring in the north. I’m here to report to Erwin. Which is his tent?”

Keiji pointed to one of several identical tents pitched around a central open space where a small fire burned beneath a tripod from which was suspended a large metal cooking pot. Groups of soldiers were sitting on canvass chairs or felled logs around the fire, chatting and drinking tea. Levi had to suppress an unreasonable urge to stride into their midst and demand to know what on earth they thought they were doing, lounging around in such a relaxed fashion outside the walls.

“First on the left,” Keiji said. “I think he’s in there – Captains Hange and Arlert left a meeting with him a few minutes ago.”

“ _Captain_ Arlert?” Levi asked.

“Yes, Sir.”

“Hm. Thought as much.” Levi took a breath, and headed for Erwin’s tent.

“Captain!” Keiji called.

Levi turned. “What?”

“It’s - good to see you again, Sir. In these happier times.”

Levi’s mind was entirely focussed on his imminent encounter with Erwin, and for a moment Keiji’s words made absolutely no sense to him. Once he’d worked out what had actually been said, he forced a smile. “Happier times. Yes… Thanks.” Levi’s smile vanished as he turned away. He very much doubted that Erwin would be so pleased to see him.

 

Erwin cursed softly as he lost his grip on the heavy lid of the storage trunk. It banged shut, and he winced, not at the noise so much as at yet another reminder that he still hadn’t successfully learned to accommodate the loss of his dominant arm. Opening the chest again, he put away the remaining maps and ledgers, closing the lid carefully this time. At least the surveying was going well. Armin had been excited at the meeting, explaining that far more of Hochwald’s dwellings were reclaimable than they’d originally thought, meaning that the town would probably be able to accommodate settlers in a matter of weeks rather than months. Those settlers would be the first humans to live permanently outside the walls since the coming of the titans – that surely constituted a real victory?

Erwin shrugged off his jacket, as a familiar burning sensation prickled behind the scar tissue where his right arm had been severed by the titan’s teeth. He rolled back the linen of his shortened shirt sleeve, and was rubbing at the stump, trying to sooth the twinges of sharp pain the doctors told him were probably caused by nerve damage, when a sudden cool draft made him aware that someone had entered the tent. Irritated, he turned to face the entrance. “Zoe – I’d appreciate it if you’d –”

“Still giving you trouble?”

“Levi.” Erwin’s voice was little more than a whisper.

“The arm, I mean, not Zoe. Although, unless she’s changed –”

Erwin cleared his throat. “Levi –”

“It’s looking better, anyway,” Levi said, although his eyes were fixed on Erwin’s face. Erwin turned his head away, pulling the sleeve of his shirt back down over the stump of his right arm, frowning. “What are you doing here?”

“Apparently I’m still a captain in the Survey Corps. I’ve been assigned to this division.”

Erwin stared at him. “On whose orders?”

“The king’s.”

Erwin scoffed. “At your request!”

“Obviously.”

“Why? We agreed –”

“We _agreed_ nothing.” Levi struggled not to raise his voice. 

Erwin nodded sharply. “All right then. I thought I made clear –”

“You did. You did, and I let you, and that was –” Levi hesitated, frustrated by his inability to find the explanations he needed.

“It was for the best,” Erwin said. “Trust me, Levi, I thought it through. I thought you understood my reasoning. You didn’t really argue – you just _left_ –”

The words hung between them.

“Well what the fuck did you expect, Erwin?” Levi asked, finally.

Erwin shook his head. “I – didn’t mean that to sound like an accusation.”

“It did.”

“I know. I don’t know why that – It wasn’t –”

Levi took a step towards Erwin, who held up his hand in warning.

“No. I don’t know what you hoped to achieve by coming here, but –”

“Yes, you do! Stop saying shit you don’t mean! You told me to go, and I went, because – I don’t know – because I’m fucking stupid – or because I was so used to trusting you that I really was turning into your puppet, like you said. But you were lying when you said you never wanted me.”

“I didn’t say I never wanted you.”

“You did! You said –”

“I said I never loved you.”

The hiss of Levi’s indrawn breath startled them both. For an instant Levi stared at Erwin, unable to keep the raw pain from showing on his face. Then his expression hardened.

“Right. Yes. That’s what you said.” His eyes narrowed in a way Erwin hadn’t seen in years – not since the day Levi had tried to kill him on a rain-drenched, blood-soaked battlefield, the shrieks of Erwin’s dying horse cutting through the hammering of the rain. “Well, that’s why I’m here, isn’t it?” Levi’s voice sounded oddly flat. “To call you out on that bullshit.”

Erwin looked at him, trying to think. Hadn’t Zoe used almost exactly those words? He was finding it hard to focus – to say what had to be said. Why did everyone seem so determined to make him admit to something he was simply incapable of feeling? Levi’s presence disturbed and angered him. He’d done the right thing, hadn’t he? – acted in the best interests of others, as he’d always tried to do? It wasn’t as though it had been easy, cutting Levi free. Erwin had chosen a life of sacrifices of his own volition, and, even when those sacrifices had been of other people’s lives, he had never flinched, taking the evil of those decisions upon himself so that others wouldn’t have to. He’d thought he’d succeeded in keeping Levi free from the moral taint that had irrevocably corrupted his own soul. Sending Levi away was supposed to have been the final severing – the last necessary sacrifice. So why was Levi here, now, looking at him with such a determined expression on his face? Why, mixed with the pain and anger, was there still a spark of hope in those too-familiar grey eyes?

“You shouldn’t have come,” Erwin said.

“I had to.”

“It was a wasted journey. I’ve already explained my position.” Erwin made himself sit, as though casually, on the narrow camp bed, and gestured to the canvass stool opposite. Levi sat, watching him warily.

“Would you like some tea?” Erwin asked.

Levi’s hands clenched into fists. “No, I would not like some fucking tea! This isn’t – I didn’t come all the way out here to – What the hell, Erwin?”

Erwin raised his eyebrows. “I told you, back in Sina, that this is how it would be if you wanted to see me again. You have two choices – you can stay here for a day or two, and we can discuss the surveying and the resettlement plans like civilised colleagues – or you can get back on your horse and leave immediately. Whatever you may have agreed with the king, I don’t need another captain in this division. Armin Arlert is an excellent surveyor and cartographer, and Zoe Hange is in charge of scientific exploration. All the necessary positions are filled. There’s no place for you here, Levi. We don’t have any titans to fight.”

“I can learn that other shit! I’m not stupid! I used to lead squads – I acted on my own initiative enough times when you weren’t there – Fuck it Erwin, you know damn well that I can do more than killing titans.  I didn’t come here to justify my rank!”

“No – it seems you came here to ask questions I’ve already answered,” Erwin said. “And that’s a pointless exercise. You should go, Levi.”

“Stop telling me what I should do! Stop giving me shit choices as though those are the only options! I know you want me to go – you’re doing everything you can to make me leave again - but I had time to think when I was alone outside the walls -” Levi controlled his breathing, and tried as hard as he could to regulate his anger. He’d come here to give Erwin a chance, after all, and to admit his own failings.

“You’re doing this because I relied on you too much, aren’t you?” Levi said. “I followed your orders, but I let you take all the responsibility for them. I was always questioning you – I never gave you a break. When you told me to go I was so angry that I couldn’t think straight, but I understand now, and - I’m sorry.”

Erwin stared at Levi. Then he gave a short, harsh laugh. “You’re _sorry?_ Oh – that’s… No. No, Levi, you couldn’t be more wrong.”

“What do you mean?”

“I never wanted you to take responsibility for command decisions. I wanted you to do exactly what you did – obey. And I want you to obey me in this, too: I want you out of the camp by sunrise tomorrow.”

“No.”

Erwin’s eyes widened slightly; Levi had often questioned orders in the past, but he had never outright refused to follow them.

“I’m not going,” Levi said. “The king gave me permission to join this division – I have his signed orders to that effect. Technically he outranks even Zackly in the command chain, never mind you.”

Erwin shook his head, frustrated. “Then I suppose I can’t stop you from being here.” He went to the entrance of the tent, and held the canvass flap open. “If you insist on staying you’ll report to Captain Arlert for orders, since he’ll continue to be my first point of contact in _this_ command chain. There’s no shortage of equipment – set up your own tent, if you like, or go in with Arlert or Hange. I’ll instruct Armin to find you something useful to do. But if you become an embarrassment to me I will send you back to Sina, King’s orders or no. Keep out of my way.”

Erwin stood motionless, holding back the tent flap, staring ahead impassively. Levi moved forward automatically, but hesitated at the entrance and then turned back, reaching up to touch Erwin’s cheek. “Erwin. _Please_.”

Erwin didn’t meet his gaze. He let go of the tent flap and his fingers closed hard around Levi’s wrist, pulling his hand away. “Let go of me,” Erwin commanded.

“I’m not – You’re -”

Erwin had to force himself to look into Levi’s eyes. He struggled to keep his tone calm and emphatic, but he had to make sure Levi understood the finality of what he was saying. He didn’t think he had the strength to go through this scene again.

“Let go of me, Levi.”

Erwin released Levi. Levi stood there, unconsciously rubbing his bruised wrist, looking at Erwin, waiting.

“Go,” Erwin said.

Levi went.

x

Captain Zoe Hange was sitting at a table in front of her tent busy updating one of her many catalogues, carefully noting the features of a new species of long-nosed rodent beneath Moblit’s excellent drawing of the creature, when Keiji approached, smiling. “More finds?” he asked, looking at the illustration.

“Yes. We discovered this one yesterday. I think it’s a kind of shrew. It bit Moblit when he tried to get it out of the trap so he could draw it. I asked him if it felt the same as the shrew that bit him last week, and he said it did.”

“And also, it looks like a shrew,” Keiji pointed out.

“Well – yes. But looks can be deceptive. The last rat we found turned out to be a vole.”

“Ah,” said Keiji, knowing, from long experience, not to ask questions unless he wanted a half-hour lecture on the differences between the two.

“We’ve found so many more new species of animal and plant life than I anticipated, even this close to the walls!” Zoe exclaimed happily. “Of course, the walls extend so far underground that almost none of the burrowing species can get through, and we never had time to look for samples when we had the titans to deal with, but now –”

“Talking of dealing with titans,” Keiji interrupted quickly, “did you know that Captain Levi’s here?”

Zoe looked up, her glasses glinting. “Levi’s here? Are you sure?”

“Yes, I spoke to him. He’s been exploring in the north.”

“Has he seen Erwin?”

“He was on his way to the commander’s tent when I saw him.”

“How long ago was that?”

“I’m not sure. About two hours? I’ve just come off duty.”

Zoe pushed back her chair and got to her feet. “Right.”

Keiji watched her striding in the direction of Erwin’s tent, wondering why on earth she was looking so grim.

 

When Zoe burst into the tent Erwin was lying on his bed with his hand over his eyes. He sat up and looked at her. “Don’t you ever knock?” he asked automatically, sounding too weary to even pretend to be angry.

“Where’s Levi?” Zoe demanded.

“Setting up his tent I expect.”

“I’ve looked for him all over the camp. No one’s seen him since he left here.”

“Ah. Perhaps he’s gone back to the walls then. That’s good.”

“No, his horse is still here, and his pack. What did you say to him?”

“That’s none of your business.”

“Is he –”

“Captain Hange, I have a splitting headache and this is my tent. Unless you have anything relevant to the mission to discuss, please leave.”

“Aaah!” Zoe cried in utter exasperation. “You can’t keep pushing people away like this, Erwin! In the end they’ll stop coming back!”

Erwin swung his legs over the side of the bed, and rested his elbow on one knee, pinching the bridge of his nose, his eyes closed and his forehead furrowed.

“He wasn’t supposed to come back. That was the whole point. I obviously failed to make him see that the first time.”

“The _first_ time? Erwin, you idiot, what have you done?”

Erwin didn’t reply. Zoe left the tent, feeling more anxious than she had done since before the victory. What was the good of Erwin having survived the titans if he was set on this hopelessly destructive course?

 

Levi stood on a grey granite boulder on a small hill overlooking a town that must have once been beautiful, set on rising ground in the meander of a sparkling river that surrounded it on three sides like a natural moat. A graceful stone bridge spanned the river. A cobbled road, now choked with flourishing weeds, led across the bridge to a solid barbican in the crumbling town walls. The wooden gates had long since fallen off their rusty hinges, but an iron portcullis still blocked the way against invaders. To the left of the barbican a huge hole in the wall was evidence of how useless these defences had been when the titans came.

Levi thought vaguely about walls and defences, and cursed himself for his weakness. He’d thought he’d understood Erwin’s original rejection, but it seemed he’d been completely wrong. He’d promised himself he would never beg, and the memory of his desperate _please_ made him cringe with humiliation. He’d come to this place to give Erwin a chance to reconsider, when Erwin had no desire to change his mind.

 _Was he telling the truth all along?_ Levi wondered _. Was I never anything more to him than useful weapon in the war against the titans?_

Levi remembered every one of the nights he’d spent in Erwin’s bed. True, it had usually been at his own instigation - but not always. Not always, by any means. And although it hadn’t been a very frequent thing, it had happened often enough for Erwin to start to worry about rumours - and then it had kept on happening regardless.

Still, Erwin hadn’t denied _wanting_ Levi. Levi wasn’t of a romantic disposition; he knew perfectly well that sex could be nothing more than a purely physical release, but he was sure that there had been more than lust in their occasional encounters. Sometimes, even when the sex had been rushed or indifferent, Erwin had stayed afterwards anyway. And once, in Erwin’s bed, after yet another expedition outside the walls in which too many people had died for no appreciable gain, Erwin had reached for Levi’s hand in the darkness when Levi was already half asleep, and said, “I don’t know if I could keep going, without you.”

Neither of them had ever mentioned it afterwards, and Levi was sure that if he reminded Erwin of it, he would claim that he had only been talking about the job and how indispensible Levi had become as humanity’s strongest soldier. But it had been more than that. Whatever Erwin chose to believe _now_ , it had been more than that.

Unconsciously biting his lower lip, Levi wondered what to do. Erwin wanted him to leave, but if he did, he knew he would never be able to come back. As Humanity’s Strongest he had always pushed himself, testing the limits of his strength, but he knew that if he allowed Erwin to reject him again, he would break. All he could think of was to stay, trying to find some meaning in whatever tasks Erwin found for him, and wait. It would be hard – taking orders from Arlert, who was half his age – keeping out of Erwin’s way – maintaining the pretence of indifference. Levi had never been a strategist – that had always been Erwin’s department. He had no plan – nothing beyond the deep instinct that told him leaving would be the end of hope, and the knowledge that he wasn’t yet strong enough to make that choice.

And damn it all to hell – there was one person who would see straight through his feigned indifference to Erwin, wasn’t there?

He was going to have to talk to Zoe Hange.


	6. Focus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Erwin still hasn't learned anything, and Levi does some cleaning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who has read, commented and/or left kudos. Your support for this story means a great deal to me.  
> This chapter is a bit of an inbetweener, but it is necessary to the plot. I have planned out the rest of the story now, though, so I know exactly where it's going. I'm hoping this means that future updates will be quicker! Thank you for sticking with my slow story, and my slow updating.

Zoe took the teapot from Moblit with a grateful smile, and waited until he was out of the tent before carrying it carefully to the table where two china tea cups and saucers were set out, and attempting to pour.

“Sometimes I still manage to miss the teacup,” she said, with a rueful grin at Levi. “You don’t realise how useful binocular vision is until you lose it.”

“And how’s the shoulder?” Levi asked.

“Getting better. There’s still some weakness, but my grip has improved a lot. At first flying was difficult – you know how some of the recruits can’t get the hang of operating the triggers simultaneously when they need to?”

Levi nodded. “You can always tell which ones are going to be naturals, and which are going straight into the decoy teams.”

“Yes – well, I was right back to basic training standards – always firing off the right hand line a little late. It was embarrassing.” She gave a fond smile, which changed her face subtly. It wasn’t an expression Levi had seen from her before. “Moblit was very patient with me.”

“Man’s a saint. You used to put him through hell, always getting so close to those damned titans.”

Zoe laughed softly. “I did! But he still stuck around. He’s either a saint, like you said, or a masochist.”

“He loves you,” Levi said, giving Zoe a straight look.

Zoe nodded thoughtfully. “I think he does.” She handed Levi a cup of tea, and he sniffed the dark liquid appreciatively. “Black tea,” he observed. “Smells good.”

“The palace’s finest,” Zoe agreed. “Haven’t you heard? Nothing’s too good for the Survey Corps these days!”

“Yeah, I got that impression.” Levi sipped his tea.

“So - what happened between you and Erwin?” Zoe asked.

“Tch.” Levi set down the teacup and met her inquisitive gaze. “You don’t waste much time getting to the point.”

“Life’s too short to beat around the bush,” Zoe said, half smiling, but her brown eyes earnest. “It may be a cliché, but it’s true. I – everyone – assumed you’d be doing whatever you decided to do after the war _together_. I mean, even if the rumours weren’t true –”

“Rumours?” asked Levi sharply.

“Yes. Were you lovers?”

Levi snorted. “ _Lovers_? What a romantic word!”

“But – were you?”

Levi looked away. “I’d almost forgotten how annoying you could be, Shitty -”

“It would have to be ‘Shitty Three-eyes’ now,” Zoe smiled. “Stop stalling. Answer the question.”

When Levi met her gaze, Zoe was shocked by the bleakness in his eyes. “I… _I_ thought we were, yes,” he said.

“And Erwin?”

Levi shook his head. “I have no fucking idea what he was thinking. Seems I was wrong about a lot of things I thought I understood. As soon as the victory banquet was over, he told me to get lost. He said –” Levi drew in his breath hard, and stopped talking.

Zoe nodded and reached across the table to put one hand on Levi’s arm. “I tried to talk to him about you. He just – shut down. Told me it was none of my business, and changed the subject. He’s not thinking straight.”

“I don’t know. He says he’s thought everything through. I mean, that’s what he does isn’t it? I never heard of anyone beating him at chess. He considers angles that never even cross other people’s minds, so if he says he’s thought it through he must believe that having nothing to do with me is the best course of action. He says it’s best for both of us.”

Zoe sighed, leaning back in her chair, her hands open, palms up, in a gesture of frustration. “And you’re actually thinking he might be right? That sounds very reasonable, Levi, but you do know it’s a heap of crap, don’t you? How is it best for either of you?”

“I don’t know. It isn’t. I thought that once the war was over, we –” Levi looked away from Zoe, his usually sharp eyes losing their focus. “I didn’t have any set plan, exactly, but I – I assumed it would be both of us, together.” He met the direct gaze of Zoe’s good eye. “He hasn’t left me that option. I came back to change his mind, and he doesn’t want to change it. If I leave, I won’t come back again. I can’t – I _can’t_ do that twice. But if I stay, how can I just wait around here hoping he’ll suddenly realise his mistake? He doesn’t make mistakes. It would be… In the underground, these scrawny-assed feral dogs and cats – they hang around anyone they think might have food. People throw stones, kick them away, but they’re so hungry they always come back. It’s – desperate. Pathetic. I _won’t_ …”

“That’s a false analogy,” Zoe said firmly. “You’re not some stray cat – you’re humanity’s strongest soldier! You’re a major part of the reason we’re all here today, outside the walls, and planning on resettlement. You have as much right to be involved in this as Erwin does.”

“I know that!” Levi’s expression was fierce. “It’s not a question of rights, or what anyone does or doesn’t deserve. Erwin has always acknowledged my value as a _soldier_.”

“That’s big of him,” Zoe replied, raising her eyebrows ironically. “What I don’t understand is why you’re looking for ways to excuse his behaviour. The Levi I know would be angry.”

“You think I’m not angry? Fuck – I could _kill_ –” For an instant Levi’s eyes flashed absolute fury that vanished a heartbeat later. “But what good does anger do me? You can’t force someone to love you.”

“You’re not seriously saying that you believe Erwin doesn’t love you?” Zoe asked, astonished. “Levi, that’s –”

“I don’t know.” Levi shook his head. He had always respected Zoe’s commitment to her work, even in the days when she’d been so swept up in her belief in the vital importance of studying the titans that she’d sometimes angered him by risking not only her own life, but those of her comrades, in her relentless pursuit of titan subjects for her experiments. But her ideas had been proved right. Understanding the titans had been key to humanity’s victory. _She_ clearly believed that Erwin loved him. But -

“I don’t know,” Levi repeated. “I thought he loved me. I was sure. But now… I’m - I don’t know if I can trust even my own memories. You were always good at – when I had to explain things to the squad – with Eren and the others – you always knew what I was trying to say. I’ve never been – you know…”

 “Eloquent?” Zoe suggested.

“Yeah. I’ve never been eloquent. Erwin says things to me, and they sound as though they make sense, and I can’t – I can’t put together the words to argue with him. I never had the answers. I just had to go on gut instinct.”

Zoe gave him an earnest look, and nodded. “Yes. And that was usually right, wasn’t it? You have good instincts, Levi. What does your gut tell you now?”

“That I should stay.”

“That’s that, then.” Zoe poured herself more tea, and looked at Levi’s almost full cup. “You should drink it before it gets cold,” she told him.

“Oh – yes.” Levi picked up the teacup and held it in both hands, looking down into the dark liquid. “I knew you’d see how things were – with me and Erwin. That’s why I came to talk to you. But for now I have to act as though nothing’s wrong. I don’t want anyone else to know that he doesn’t want me here – how I – you know…”

“How you feel about him?”

“Yeah.” Levi finished his tea, and put down the cup carefully. “I’d – It would help if you didn’t talk to him about this. About me.”

“Understood. And I agree – it’s best if he sees you behaving just as you would if he weren’t here at all. But that won’t be easy for you. Can you do it?”

Levi nodded, his brows contracted, his face determined.

“More tea?” Zoe asked.

“No – but - thanks.”

“Right,” said Zoe, swallowing the rest of her own tea in one gulp, and jumping to her feet. “I’ll help you get your tent set up. Come on!”

x

Erwin emerged from his tent just before sunset, telling himself that he’d given Levi ample time to see the error of his decision to stay. With luck, Levi would already be gone. Anything else would be pointlessly awkward. What on earth could Levi hope to accomplish by remaining in a place where he was so obviously unwanted? Erwin had made his position absolutely clear. Surely Levi wouldn’t –

Erwin frowned in consternation, trying to ignore the odd constriction in his chest, when he saw Levi and Zoe Hange talking animatedly together in the entrance of the tent that Levi had apparently pitched on the other side of the campfire – directly opposite Erwin’s own.

Erwin hesitated, at a loss, confronted with Levi’s utter disregard for his plans and wishes. Well – if Levi insisted on this ridiculous course of action, Erwin had no choice but to remain aloof until Levi finally came to understand that he was serious in his dismissal. With no real position in the division, surely Levi would eventually realise that he would be better off elsewhere? Here he would be isolated, removed from the direct command structure, aware that any task he was given had been manufactured to take account of his unnecessary presence. Erwin knew Levi – he was a proud man. He would feel his insignificance deeply. The king would grant him almost anything he cared to request – surely, in time, Levi would realise that the best decision would be to return to court and ask for his own command?

Lieutenant Keiji walked past Erwin’s tent, carrying a huge kettle full of water for the troops’ evening tea.

“Commander!” the lieutenant called cheerfully.

Erwin stood straight, and focused on his subordinate, doing his best to ignore Hange’s hearty laughter, and Levi’s answering “Hm” of amusement from the other side of the fire. He wondered what they were talking about, and then berated himself for wondering. “Lieutenant Keiji. Good evening.”

“It is, Sir. And all the better for having the captain with us!” Keiji swung the kettle in the direction of Levi’s tent. “Feels almost like old times. Except – without the titans, of course!”

Erwin tried to smile, but somehow couldn’t find the words for a spoken reply. Keiji continued on his way to the mess tent. Erwin looked at the sun setting gold and orange over the low hills to the west, then back at the campfire, the troops gathered around it – anywhere but at the tent opposite.

Erwin had been in the habit of sharing the evening meal with his troops rather than eating alone in his tent, and to behave differently just because Levi was present was impossible, so he collected his meal of rabbit stew and potatoes from the mess, and made his way to the campfire, taking a seat on a log next to Bernard Faber, Zoe’s tall, bespectacled subordinate, who nodded companionably but said nothing, which was exactly what Erwin wanted. Perhaps it was just the man’s height, or the way he never spoke unnecessarily, but something about Bernard reminded Erwin of Mike Zacharius. There had never been time to grieve for Mike’s death – and Erwin believed that he was now no more capable of feeling grief than he was of experiencing any other deep emotion – but there was something – an absence – that he was very conscious of in an intellectual way. It bothered him – he _ought_ to be able to grieve for Mike, his oldest friend. On some level, Erwin acknowledged, he must miss Mike deeply, so why couldn’t he feel it? Mike’s presence had always been supportive – reassuring. With Mike there had been none of the difficulties presented by Levi. Mike calmed; Levi agitated. Mike was a good friend as well as a trusted comrade. Levi was –

Levi was…

But Erwin was not supposed to be thinking about Levi.

x

Levi rode beside Captain Armin Arlert, who was earnestly explaining the coming day’s mission. The sun was rising over the town of Hochwald, the sky streaked pale gold and pink.

“We’ve almost finished surveying inside the town walls,” Armin said, as the horses trotted over the bridge. “We’re expecting to be done by the end of the week. Ten houses have been made safe for habitation. Building teams will come with the settlers to fix up the rest of the town and make improvements, but the king thought it was important to establish a small settlement as soon as possible, as a symbol of victory.”

“I see,” Levi said.

Armin glanced at him, wondering whether now would be a good time to bring up the awkward question of Erwin’s orders, which seemed to imply that Armin was supposed to be directing operations. Levi looked at the broken wall beside the barbican. Armin followed the direction of his gaze.

“We’ve had to make the breach in the wall wider to get the supply wagons in. We can’t use the gate – the portcullis is jammed shut. The farrier has tried to get it open, but he doesn’t have the right tools. We’ll have to wait until a blacksmith arrives with the settlers.”

Levi nodded.

Armin took a breath. “I – wanted to ask, Sir – about –”

“You don’t have to call me Sir,” Levi interrupted, wondering whether it was possible for anyone to look more uncomfortable than Armin did at that moment. “You’re second in command of this division.”

“Right. But – now you’re here – I don’t understand why –”

 _Because Erwin Smith is a stubborn prick who’s doing his level best to piss me off enough to make me leave,_ Levi thought. _And I’m an equally stubborn prick who’s staying, whatever bullshit he pulls._ But none of that was Armin’s fault.

“Haven’t you heard?” Levi asked, instead. “The command structure has been reorganised.”

Armin shot him a startled look. “Oh? No – no, I hadn’t –”

“Yes – it goes by height now,” Levi deadpanned. “So you outrank me by at least eight inches.”

Armin stared at him, unsure how to respond. Was Captain Levi _joking?_ Armin had no idea whether he was allowed to laugh, or what might happen to him if he did. He gave Levi a nervous smile.

Levi sighed. “Relax, Captain. When did you get so tall, anyway?”

“In the summer, Sir.”

“Ha – we defeated the titans and I’m still surrounded by fucking giants! And I told you – not Sir.”

“Yes S – uh – Captain Levi, S – Captain.”

“Why don’t I take a team to look at that gate?” Levi suggested. “The winding gear is probably rusted. This whole town is in dire need of a thorough clean up. If I can free the mechanism and give it a proper overhaul, I think we’ll be able to get the portcullis working again without having to wait for a blacksmith.”

“Yes,” agreed Armin, relieved. “That sounds like a good plan.”

Levi didn’t have to wait too long before Armin caught on, and ordered three soldiers to accompany Levi to the gate. Levi led his team away in the direction of the barbican with as much dignity as if he were leading a full squad on a mission to kill titans. Armin watched him go, trying to puzzle out what reason Erwin could possibly have for putting them all in this uncomfortable situation, but he could think of no answer that made sense. At least it seemed that Captain Levi wasn’t going to make things difficult, and for that Armin was very grateful.

 

As Levi had suspected, the winding gear was thoroughly rusted, but not irreparable as far as he could judge. He sent one of his team back to camp for supplies of oil and tools, and set the other two to work clearing weeds from around the barbican, removing rubble and scouring the rust from the portcullis itself.

All morning Levi worked alone on the gear, using a knife and a hoof pick to scrape rust from the chains and the gears. It was slow, absorbing work and, as so often with cleaning tasks, Levi found a kind of peace in it that he sorely needed after his encounter with Erwin and his talk with Zoe Hange. Frowning in concentration rather than irritation, Levi worked on the winch, refusing to allow his mind to settle on anything else. This kind of almost meditative focus was something he had schooled himself to from a very early age – an effective way of mentally removing himself from situations over which he had no control. Here there was no turmoil – nothing but one clear aim. The repetitive scrape of the knife blade, the satisfaction of prising away a knot of rust with the pick, the brightness of the sun beyond the glassless arched windows of the gatehouse, and the cool inside the stone-floored winch room above the portcullis where he worked – the smell of iron and oil and the sharp green scent of the weeds – the lazy buzz of an occasional bee – those things were enough to keep his mind anchored only in the present moment.

When one of his soldiers appeared at the top of the stairs with a canteen of water and bread and cheese wrapped in a satisfactorily clean cloth, Levi was surprised to find that it was past noon. He sat and ate with his team, asked their names – Otto, Heike and Jonas – discussed their work in Hochwald and told them about the villages he’d seen in the north. None of them mentioned the time of the titans.

After half an hour, they resumed work, and by the time the sun was low enough to shine directly through the gatehouse windows, Levi applied a last coat of oil to the gears, wiped off the chains, and called his team over to test the mechanism, warning them to stand well clear just in case the chains gave when – _if_ – the portcullis rose. At first the lever refused to budge, but, after all the restrained work of careful cleaning, Levi had plenty of energy for the final necessary application of brute force. The lever surrendered suddenly to his strength, the portcullis rattled in its grooves, and slowly, with a few clanks and metallic shrieks of protest, began to rise. The whole team cheered as the gate of Hochwald became passable for the first time in more than a hundred years.

x

Erwin watched from the entrance of his tent as Armin and Levi rode back into the camp that evening, followed by their troops. The two captains appeared to be talking amicably. When Levi had seen to his horse, Erwin noticed a group of three soldiers calling out to the captain from near the campfire. Levi crossed over to them and spoke for a while, they smiled and laughed, and the young woman – Heike Merkel was it? - waved cheerfully when he finally headed towards his tent.

Witnessing Levi’s easy interactions with the other soldiers, Erwin felt the same uneasy tightening in his chest that had affected him when he’d first seen the new tent pitched opposite his own and realised that Levi was serious in his intention to stay.

Despite his frequently abrasive attitude and crude manner of talking, Levi had always managed to inspire deep loyalty in his troops. At first Erwin hadn’t been able to pinpoint how he managed it, but over time he’d come to understand that it was a simple thing – Levi’s soldiers trusted him because they knew he cared about them. The manner of his caring was entirely unsentimental, and exactly what they needed. It was a rare quality. Certainly not one to be squandered on –

“Commander! Commander Erwin Smith!” A rider was racing towards the light of the campfire from the west. Erwin strode to meet him, part of him aware that Levi’s first reaction had been to turn at the entrance of his tent, looking not at the approaching messenger, but at _him_. The soldier dismounted, breathless, but refused the canteen of water that Keiji offered.

“I’ve come from Sina,” the soldier panted. “The Third Division set out to the south a week ago, and we’ve just received word that they encountered an abnormal titan, three days out from Wall Maria. It was killed without casualties, but –”

Zoe Hange and Levi arrived at Erwin’s side at the same time, Armin running up a moment later.

“We thought this might happen,” Zoe said, her voice worried, but her eyes gleaming. “There was always the possibility that some atypically aware titans would be able to over-ride –”

“Double the watch,” Erwin commanded Levi, before he remembered. “Armin,” he corrected himself. “And tell the lieutenants to make sure everyone has gear. We don’t have enough blades for everyone, do we?”

“Not enough blades, not enough gas,” Armin confirmed. “But enough to mount a guard.”

“Good. See to it, Armin, and then meet me in my tent.” Erwin looked from Armin to Hange. He tried not to see Levi, between them, but he caught the dark fury in Levi’s eyes at the slight when he added, “Hange – you too.”

“Yes, of course,” Zoe replied. Erwin turned on his heel and headed for his tent. Zoe touched Levi’s arm. “Come on, Levi.”

“He didn’t ask for me,” Levi stated, his tone entirely neutral and his expression murderous.

“Don’t be stupid,” Zoe told him, moving her hand to his shoulder, and giving him a little push. “ _Titans_! Erwin doesn’t have a choice – he needs you, and he knows it.”


	7. Old Scars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erwin thinks about the past.
> 
> (Some spoilers for later chapters of the manga - please see notes for more info.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you readers for your kind and constructive comments and encouraging kudos. I'm afraid that, as I write, this story is growing and growing, so again we don't get far in this mainly Erwin-centric chapter! As far as possible I'm trying to incorporate the events of the manga as they unfold, so there will be some spoilers up to and including the most recent manga chapter. Some things have already become outdated, but I'm keeping to known canon as far as possible.  
> (What do you mean Eruri isn't canon? What?)

Erwin made no comment when Levi followed Hange and the messenger into the tent. He waited until everyone was seated, the messenger and Hange on the folding canvass chairs, Erwin on his bed, and Levi perched on the wooden trunk that protected the valuable books and maps from the damp.

“We theorized that this might happen,” Zoe began, before Erwin could say anything. “Some kinds of aberrant titan seem to be able to override the coordinate – or perhaps they’re damaged in some way and don’t even ‘hear’. But from what we saw during those last few battles, there are probably very few of that type. Like other aberrants, the ones we observed didn’t seem drawn to humans in the same way that normal titans were, so that would explain why we haven’t attracted any here, even though we’ve been camped in the same place for nearly four weeks. Levi – you didn’t see a single titan north or west of the walls, did you?”

Levi was aware of the way Erwin’s eyes flicked to him, and then away. He looked at Zoe, never so much as glancing in Erwin’s direction, as he replied, “Not one. Nor any recent evidence of titan activity in the areas I visited. No freshly damaged trees, no footprints, nothing. And I followed the wall for leagues, from the northwest all the way around to the northern gate. If there were any normal titans left, they would have been close to Utopia district, wouldn’t they? It’s why the bait cities were built, after all.”

“Have there been any reports of titans from the northern or western divisions?” Erwin asked the messenger.

The young man shook his head. “No, Sir. And no new evidence of titans, either.”

Armin Arlert entered the tent and saluted smartly. “I’ve doubled the guard, Sir.”

“Good. Sit down.” Erwin gestured to the only remaining space – the bed next to him. Looking somewhat embarrassed, Armin sat beside the commander. Although he’d already acknowledged Armin’s adult height, Levi couldn’t help noticing how similar the two tall blond men looked side by side. Someone who didn’t know better might easily mistake them for father and son, Levi thought, wondering why he found that idea unsettling.

“I have a letter – from parliament,” the messenger announced, reaching into the inside pocket of his jacket.

“Not a recall, I hope?” Erwin’s tone was as calm as ever, but Levi had spent enough years in his company to pick up telltale indicators of anxiety – the way Erwin’s lips pressed together almost imperceptibly; the double tap of his index finger against his thigh.

“No, Sir, not as far as I know. The opposite, I think.”

Erwin broke the seal on the letter with his thumb. Levi, watching, was impressed with the improved dexterity of Erwin’s left hand.

Erwin scanned the contents of the letter quickly, his expression darkening slightly. “They want to bring forward the settlement of Hochwald.” He looked up at the messenger. “This was written _after_ reports of the aberrant titan reached the capital?”

“Yes, Sir.”

“I see. I’ll need to write a response to this. You - eat and rest. I think we can assume the chances of any large-scale titan attack are very small, but I don’t believe it’s sensible to allow any civilians leave the walls until the situation is clearer. I’ll have a letter for you in the morning. I’ll send a lieutenant back with you to collect supplies – we’ll need more gas and blades here. You’re dismissed.”

“Yes, Sir.” The messenger stood, saluted smartly, and left the tent.

“They’re thinking that if news of this aberrant titan becomes widely known, the whole settlement programme will be jeopardised,” Armin said. “They’ll want to get the first settlers out of the walls and the settlement established as soon as possible.”

“Yes, that’s exactly what they want.” Erwin looked down at the letter in his hand. “All they’ve asked me for is a report on how many settlers could be moved into Hochwald immediately.”

“What good will establishing a town outside the walls do anyone if the settlers get eaten?” Hange asked. “I hope you’re going to tell them not to be so stupid, Erwin?”

“I’ll phrase it rather more diplomatically than that,” Erwin replied, “but, essentially, yes.”

“If they’re going to do it, they’ll do it anyway,” Levi said. “It wouldn’t surprise me if some token group of settlers was told to set off right after that messenger was sent.”

Erwin looked at Levi directly for the first time. “You think so?”

“Yeah. Parliament might be a different bunch of politicians from before, but they’re still politicians.”

Zoe sighed. “This is just what we need! But I don’t think there’s cause to worry too much. I doubt there can be many titans left. It’s always possible that the one the Southern Division destroyed was the only survivor.”

“Or there could be hundreds of them,” Levi countered, somewhat impatiently. “We should mend the breach in the town wall in Hochwald. Those walls wouldn’t keep out big titans for long, but they’d slow them down, and give us anchorage if it came to a fight. Huh. So much for a world without walls.”

“You’re right,” Erwin nodded. “We’ll make a start on that tomorrow. But I agree that we shouldn’t be unduly alarmed. As Zoe says, the most likely scenario is that these titans are rare aberrants. But we’ll proceed as though we’re expecting settlers to arrive soon, and we’ll treat the titan threat seriously.” He hesitated, before adding, “Levi - I’ll need… You’ll be in charge of training. I want everyone back up to full combat capability, in case there are more of these aberrants about. I’m sure some of us are already out of practice with the gear.”

Levi nodded. “How much equipment do we have? Gas, blades?”

“Not nearly enough of either,” Erwin said. “Armin – go and find out exactly how bad the supply situation is.”

“Yes, Sir.” Armin got to his feet, his head making contact with the canvass roof of the tent. When he’d gone, Levi asked Erwin, “Have you been training with the gear at all?”

“Naturally. We’re maintaining fitness, and everyone does an hour’s training in harness every other day. But only basic manoeuvres. We don’t have a training course.”

“Then we need to build one,” Levi said. “Even if there aren’t any more titans, using the gear is the most efficient way to train - as long as we can get supplies.”

“Gas shouldn’t be a problem,” Erwin said. “But the mass production of blades halted as soon as the war ended. Only one foundry is still operational.”

“So we can’t afford to train with real blades. All right – I’ll think of something.” Levi frowned, concentrating on the problem. When he looked up, Erwin was watching him. A silent communication passed between them; a kind a shared relief at the normality of the situation – the sense of the possible reestablishment of a working relationship that had been brought to an abrupt conclusion by the end of the war and all that had followed. Neither of them looked away, and the momentary ease was replaced by something else.

Zoe glanced from Erwin to Levi. “So, I’m assuming my role is to report on the aberrants we saw during the last battle. I’ll need to send a letter with that messenger, too. I have a lot of questions about the behaviour of the titan the Southern Division killed. I’ll make a start on the report.” Zoe jumped to her feet and Erwin turned his head sharply, flinging up his hand in an unusually uncontrolled gesture of command.

“Wait!”

Levi and Zoe stared at Erwin, who cleared his throat and failed to look either of them in the eye. “I - Wait, Hange – I - have a few questions about the titans you observed during the final battles. Levi – you’re dismissed.”

“Yes – Sir.” Levi left the tent without a backwards glance.

Erwin sat a little straighter on the bed, and looked up at Zoe. “So – the aberrants you observed –”

“I’ll put it all in the report.”

“But I wanted to ask –”

“No. No, you didn’t.” Zoe sighed. “Look, Erwin, whatever’s going on between you and Levi... Well, you don’t want to talk about it, so all right, we won’t talk about it. But if you’re afraid to be left alone with him, then maybe –”

“I’m not afraid!”

“ – then maybe you should think about why that is,” Zoe finished, ignoring Erwin’s denial. She turned to go.

“Is he… How is he?” Erwin asked quietly, behind her.

Zoe stilled, her hand on the tent flap, but she didn’t look back at Erwin. “Talk to him,” she said, leaving Erwin alone in the tent. Sighing at Erwin’s stubborn refusal to even discuss the problem with Levi, Zoe set off in search of Moblit, who had filed all her notes in some complex but apparently efficient system that would almost certainly allow him to find her data on the aberrant titans much more quickly than she would herself.

x

The morning sun was very bright as Erwin walked out of the camp, heading for the small stand of trees Levi had designated as the training area. Two wooden dummy titans had already been constructed, but the usual leather and horsehair targets on the back of the necks were missing. Erwin frowned. It was entirely possible that the aberrant titan killed by the southern expedition would turn out to be a solitary survivor, but even so, correct training procedures should be followed. He would have to talk to Levi about that when the session was over, which would potentially prove awkward, but at least it seemed that Levi had resolved to behave professionally to judge from the meeting two days earlier. As long as Levi understood that nothing of a sexual nature could happen between them again, perhaps it would be possible to establish an effective working relationship after all?

Reluctantly, Erwin conceded that Zoe had been right about one thing: during that meeting he had behaved in a most uncharacteristic way at the thought of being left alone in the tent with Levi. Once he had written his letter to parliament laying out all the reasons why it would be unwise to send the settlers to Hockwald before the nature of the potential titan threat became clear, Erwin had spent far too much of the following night thinking about the reasons for that ridiculous moment of near panic.

Levi’s return had been a shock, Erwin admitted to himself. He had found himself completely unprepared for the strength of his body’s reaction to seeing Levi again so unexpectedly. Trying to analyse his responses dispassionately – the instant jump in his heartbeat, the prickling tension in his muscles, the way his breath had caught, his mouth gone suddenly dry - Erwin was unable to deny that he was still almost violently attracted to Levi. But lust was a physical reaction, not an emotional one, and to surrender to something so base would be an unforgivable weakness, when he had made up his mind about the correct course of action.

 _Hange was right about that, too_ , Erwin thought as he reached the training area, _I_ was _afraid of being left alone with Levi. If he’d touched me again – if he’d asked again…_

But Levi had behaved with complete professional propriety, and since the meeting he had worked with exemplary focus on setting up a training area and testing the fitness of every combat soldier in the camp, keeping so busy that Erwin had barely caught sight of him at all.

As he reached the training area, Erwin spotted Levi standing on a small wooden platform high in a pine tree, two of the younger soldiers beside him listening attentively to his instructions. Erwin recognised one of them as the young woman who had waved at Levi on the afternoon the messenger had arrived – _Heike Merkel_ ; that was it. She was pretty, Erwin thought. Her small stature and chestnut hair gave her a passing resemblance to Levi’s former squad member Petra Ral, killed so viciously by Annie Leonhardt in her titan form. And before that, there had been the wild redhead from the underground who had joined the Survey Corps with Levi rather than face the uncertain justice of the Military Police – the one Levi had never talked about after her death. _Isabel_ , Erwin remembered. If Levi had a ‘type’ when it came to women, Heike Merkel would seem to fit it. She was young – probably in her mid twenties, Erwin guessed – but ten or eleven years wouldn’t be an impossible age gap. Aside from the lines around his eyes, Levi had never looked his age.

A future in which Levi married Heike Merkel, or someone like her, would be the most satisfactory outcome for everyone, Erwin told himself. Then, surely, Levi would let go of the past? He would settle somewhere; raise a family…Wasn’t it possible that, in time, Erwin might even be able to make the occasional visit, and that Levi, mellowed by the kind of life most Survey Corps soldiers had never allowed themselves to dream of during the war, would come to understand why Erwin had considered it necessary to cut him free?

Erwin’s imagination showed him a clear picture of himself as an older man – bearded, with streaks of grey in his hair, talking to Levi in the sunny, immaculately kept garden of a modest house in Hochwald, while Levi’s lovely wife watched them, smiling, from the doorway, and their dark or red-headed children played nearby. By then any lingering embers of sexual desire between himself and Levi would have died to nothing, surely? Erwin would be able to return to his work, assured that Levi was happy, and knowing that one person, at least, had recovered from the suffering Erwin had inflicted in order to win the war.

Erwin watched Levi as he moved to the edge of the platform, Levi unaware, as yet, of his presence. Heike nodded, along with the male soldier – was it Otto Bergen? – both of them concentrating hard as Levi spoke. Levi gestured to the wooden titans and then to the trees beyond, with precise, staccato movements of his hands – and then he was suddenly airborne, flying in a long, swooping arc past the two dummy titans and firing his right anchor into a tall pine beyond. He had moved so quickly that Erwin hadn’t even registered the firing of the first anchor until Levi released it from its purchase in the foremost titan. The wings of freedom on Levi’s cloak were bright in the sunlight as he completed a breathtakingly tight turn around the tree and struck the smaller titan’s neck cleanly. Some kind of white powder filled the air with the impact of Levi’s blade, but Erwin forgot to wonder what it was, his eyes on Levi as he spun upwards in midair to despatch the second titan with perfect accuracy, before firing his left anchor into a branch high above the watching soldiers’ heads and landing back on the platform with his habitual easy grace.

Erwin found himself remembering the first time he’d seen Levi in flight, in the twilight of the underground city, using one of the anchors as a weapon to disarm his opponent with the kind of assurance Erwin had only ever seen in the hardiest Survey Corps veterans, before launching himself into the air. His two companions had been skilful with the gear, but Levi was the revelation. Watching Levi, Erwin’s fists had clenched at his side, his body sensing that victory might now be in his grasp even before his conscious mind had come to the same understanding.

At that instant, Erwin’s primary focus had become Levi. It had been absolutely necessary to him to bring Levi into the Survey Corps. Since his father’s death, Erwin’s life had been directed by one purpose: to use the truths behind his father’s theories to defeat the titans. Growing up, every decision had been made with that goal in mind, and if there were occasions when personal feelings had threatened to get in the way, Erwin had been ruthless in suppressing them. At eighteen he had considered himself in love with Marie, the beautiful barmaid at the Maybush Inn where he used to go drinking with his fellow trainees Mike and Nile. There had been a brief period, lasting no more than a few weeks, when he’d allowed himself to imagine a future for himself very similar to the one he was now picturing for Levi, but he knew that his friend, Nile Dawk, was his rival for Marie’s heart, and that Nile was free to marry in a way that Erwin wasn’t. Erwin’s plans involved joining the Survey Corps as the most direct way of gaining the knowledge about titans he needed. Nile and Mike had both vowed to join the corps with him, but Nile changed his mind in favour of the Military Police once he met Marie, and Erwin had bowed out of the competition, accepting that repaying his debt to his father was more important than his own selfish desires.

“You chose the titans over Marie,” Nile had said to him, not long before the end of the war. “There’s something wrong with you.” Well, that was true enough. Erwin sometimes wondered if he had been born with something wrong – some essential piece of himself missing. A fiercely intelligent child who had nevertheless lacked the common sense to keep his mouth shut the one time it really mattered, Erwin had been defined by that fatal blunder from the age of eight. He supposed the slow death of his emotions had begun then, continuing throughout the war until cold intellect was all that remained. In retrospect, Erwin wondered whether he had ever really loved Marie. Giving her up had been the first real test of his resolve; perhaps that was all it had ever meant.

Levi was different. Marie had been entirely separate from Erwin’s goal; Levi was inextricably bound to it. From the start it had been impossible for Erwin to separate the two in his mind. The sexual attraction, Erwin had to admit to himself, had also been present from the start, although not consciously acknowledged until much later. The way Levi flew was breathtaking, and – yes - beautiful. Erwin was aware now, as he had perhaps not been at the time, that the heady rush of excitement and adrenaline he had experienced during his pursuit of Levi in the underground city had not been entirely due to the fact that he needed Levi’s unrivalled skill in the Survey Corps.

Levi had only stopped fighting after his friends had been captured, giving Erwin the necessary leverage to force him to agree to join the corps. When Levi had looked up, dripping wet and furious after Mike had shoved him facedown into the street’s open sewer, Erwin had felt an undeniable thrill at the passionate hatred burning in his eyes, amazed at how such a small man could contain so much sheer force. Flight _and_ fight, Erwin had joked to Mike afterwards: Levi seemed the epitome of both. Mike had sniffed, and smiled a little oddly, and said nothing at all.

The first time Erwin had consciously acknowledged his attraction to Levi had been two years later, during a brief mission outside Wall Rose, not long after the government had sent out the survivors of the fall of Wall Maria on the so-called ‘mission’ to retake the wall, which had been nothing but a shameful cull of civilians in an attempt to avoid famine and rebellion. As the Survey Corps rode out from the wall, their aim the attempted laying of a supply line that might eventually allow the repair of the broken gate to Shiganshina, it had quickly become clear that few of the people sent out in the cull had made it further than a mile or two beyond Wall Rose. The landscape was strewn with decomposed parts of corpses, tattered rags of clothing and the pathetically inadequate items used as makeshift weapons – scythes and sickles, rusting rakes and hoes - even kitchen knives and sewing shears. Riding at Erwin’s side Levi’s expression had darkened with every such sighting, and when they had been attacked by a fast-moving aberrant titan, he hadn’t waited for an order, firing one anchor directly into the monster’s chest, and using the momentum of his horse to swing himself around one hundred and eighty degrees, reeling in the second line as he released the first, gaining enough height to reach the titan’s nape. The titan had swiped at him as he passed its shoulder, and Erwin’s breath had caught, but before he could voice the cry of protest that rose inside him, the titan was falling, crashing to the ground, Levi’s blades steaming with evaporating gore as he leapt clear of its back. Erwin remembered hearing the cheers of the other soldiers behind him as he rode to where Levi stood, but he’d noticed the stiffness in the way Levi held his right shoulder, and the dark stain on his cloak that wasn’t evaporating. Jumping from his horse, Erwin ran to Levi’s side.

“You’re wounded!”

“Nothing much. It caught me. Disgusting long fingernails. Ugh. Probably die of infection.” Levi had given Erwin a bleak half smile. “I need to move faster.”

Erwin had reached to unfasten Levi’s cloak, to check that the wound was really as slight as Levi claimed, but Levi stopped him, his hand around Erwin’s wrist.

“Hey – what’re you doing?”

“Let me see.”

“I _told_ you – it’s nothing.”

When their eyes met, Erwin had experienced a physical shock of sudden understanding that had set his heart racing – a ridiculous, impossible impulse to touch – to kiss –

“I’ll live,” Levi said, firmly. “Or I will if we don’t stand around here chatting like another fucking open invitation to a titan tea-party. Where’s my shitty excuse for a horse?” His sharp whistle, calling the horse, had brought Erwin back to his senses.

Almost another year had passed before they had acted on what they’d both felt that day, and even then -

With more of a struggle than should have been necessary, Erwin forced himself to stop thinking about the past.

 

Shielding his eyes with his hand against the bright sunlight filtering through the high branches of the pines, Erwin watched Levi monitoring Otto Bergen, who was completing his first attempt at following the course Levi had demonstrated so ably.

Levi looked down from the platform and met Erwin’s eyes calmly, and Erwin wondered whether Levi had been aware of his presence all along. Levi descended the ladder from the platform rather than using the gear, saving as much gas as possible for training purposes. He walked to meet Erwin across the springy pine needles scattered on the ground beneath the trees, his face entirely composed, his body relaxed, as though the aerobatic performance he’d just given had cost him no effort at all. There was a smudge of white powder on the shoulder of his cloak though. Erwin’s hand moved automatically towards it, then fell to his side. Levi followed the direction of his gaze, gave a soft _tch_ of annoyance, and brushed away the mark with unnecessary force. “Chalk,” he said, when the mark had completely gone. “The soil here is full of it, and we don’t have the materials to make the usual targets.”

“Ah, I see. I was going to ask about that,” Erwin said. The familiar little displeased frown appeared between Levi’s eyebrows at the implication that Erwin was looking for things to criticise.

“I’ve already sent a list of supplies back to HQ with the messenger,” Levi said coolly. “I hope that meets with your approval. I’m assuming that budget is no longer an issue.”

Erwin nodded. “That’s correct. Order what you need. What about the blades?”

Levi held up one of his blades and, close to, Erwin could see that it was a crude replica of the real thing, roughly beaten into shape.

“I got the wheelwright to make these out of barrel hoops,” Levi explained. “They’re iron, not steel. Don’t cut much of anything, but they’ll do for target practice, and they’re too thick to break as easily as the real blades do. They’re not a perfect fit in the handsets. It’s not ideal, but it’s better than nothing. We put a layer of chalk onto the target area at the start of each session, and count a strike as a kill if we see a reasonable amount of chalk dust.”

“And what would happen if we encountered a real titan during training?” Erwin asked.

“Well, I hope the lookouts would give us some warning,” Levi replied evenly. “But we all have two real blades, just in case.” He indicated the precisely crafted, bright steel ends of the genuine blades in the sheaths against his thighs. “That’s all we have in stock – two blades for everyone on duty. Until we get more supplies we can’t afford to waste any real blades in training.”

“Good solutions,” Erwin nodded. “How’s the training going?”

“Not bad,” Levi replied. “Some of them are a bit rusty, but over all they’re fit. All of Hange’s squad have pretty much kept their form. Some of the newer recruits need to work on their muscle tone. Those two aren’t bad.” He looked up at the course, where Heike and Otto were still taking it in turns to follow the route Levi had shown them. Both of the young soldiers were making a reasonable stab at it, although to Erwin’s eyes they appeared sluggish and graceless in comparison to Levi. But then, so did most people.

“ _You_ don’t seem to have lost any fitness,” Erwin commented.

“Me? I’ve barely flown in months. Out to the northwest it was mostly flat marshland. Nowhere to use the gear. There was one big forest on the way back – that was good, but I ached like bu – like hell afterwards. But, no – I’m nowhere near peak fitness. I need the practice as much as anyone.”

Silence fell between them.

“Did you reach the sea?” Erwin asked, his eyes still fixed on the two soldiers in the trees above them.

“I – no.”

Erwin turned to look at Levi, puzzled by the hesitation. “No?”

“ _No_ ,” said Levi emphatically, looking away. “I didn’t reach the sea. Did you want something, coming out here? Or were you just checking up on the training?”

“Checking the training,” Erwin replied. “Yes.”

“Well, you’ve done that,” Levi said, his tone neutral, but his body no longer relaxed. “Was there anything else?”

“Not – no,” said Erwin. “Nothing else.”

“Right.”

“I’ll get back then,” said Erwin after a silence that threatened to turn awkward.

Levi nodded.

Erwin turned and walked back towards the camp, effectively dismissed.

Levi stood looking up at Heike and Otto darting back and forth among the trees, sending chalk powder puffing into the still air with every accurate strike. He watched them, without really registering anything that they were doing, until he was certain that Erwin had gone. Then he sighed, and allowed himself one quick glance over his shoulder in the direction of the camp.

Back in his tent, Erwin tried to concentrate on his contingency plan in case Levi was correct in his belief that the government would risk sending out settlers in spite of the titan threat. He’d already made Armin responsible for organising the rebuilding of Hochwald’s wall. It was lucky that Levi had managed to fix the broken portcullis. Or perhaps it wasn’t luck. Levi had always had a way of anticipating problems and dealing with them before Erwin had needed to ask. He’d always gone about such self-appointed tasks with a quiet efficiency that meant Erwin hadn’t realised how valuable a quality it had been until he’d missed it.

Erwin sat on his bed and looked down absently at his hand, thinking about the livid scar from a wound Levi had claimed was nothing – a scar Erwin had, in the past, sometimes traced with his fingers and kissed - 

\- thinking about a white chalk mark in almost the same position, and how he had found himself yearning to touch Levi once again, under the pretext of brushing it off.


	8. Want

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi finally gets at least some of the truth out of Erwin. A kind of deal is struck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A huge thank you to everyone who has read, commented and kudosed - if that's a word. All feedback is very useful and much appreciated.

Erwin frowned in displeasure as he reread the message he’d just been handed by a young man wearing the uniform of the military police.

“How far out from the walls are they?” he asked.

“Four days, Sir. They’ll be here in two more.”

“So, Nile – Chief Dawk – waited until they’d passed the mid-point before he sent you?”

Nile’s messenger had enough shame to blush as he looked at his boots and answered, “Yes, Sir.”

“Hm. Well, clearly we have no choice. How many are there?”

“Thirty-five settlers, and ten Military Police guards who will remain stationed in Hochwald until the settlement is safely established.”

“I see.” Erwin wasn’t surprised by the Military Police’s involvement with the resettlement proceedings; it was unrealistic to expect that the monarchy would allow unmonitored access to the world beyond the walls, especially when nothing concrete had been decided about the independence, or otherwise, of new settlements, and their position regarding funding and taxation.

For a moment Erwin even wondered whether the titan slain by the Southern Division had actually existed. The threat of titans would certainly be a useful way for preventing a mass exodus from the walls. But that was probably being too cynical. Erwin would wait for the report from the Southern Division before he made a judgement about that. Captain Kirschstein was in contact with Armin, just in case the official reports turned out to have been subjected to Military Police censorship.

Erwin dismissed Nile’s messenger, and put on his coat. His left hand still fumbled at times as he fastened the buttons, but his fingers ached less than they had at first, and his automatic impulse to use the right arm that no longer existed was gradually lessening.

 _So_ , thought Erwin, setting off towards the distant stand of trees where the training ground had been constructed - _you were right, Levi._

Erwin wasn’t precisely sure why he felt the need to tell Levi the news about the impending arrival of the settlers in person, but he knew it had something to do with his sense of justice – with wanting to show that, whatever had happened between them, he was prepared to acknowledge Levi’s undoubted strengths. Usually Erwin was the one who saw the complex truths of political situations, but occasionally Levi’s more external perspective allowed him to make deductions Erwin missed. Erwin felt that it would be churlish not to let Levi see that he respected that quality in his captain.

As he walked over to the training ground, the late afternoon sun warm on his face despite the lengthening shadows, Erwin passed a group of four soldiers on their way back to the camp. Two of them were red in the face, still breathing hard.

“…Never been so fucking tired!” Erwin overheard as they drew near. “He’s a total tyrant!”

“He’s amazing!” one of the less exhausted soldiers replied. “If I could do half the manoeuvres he can –” He broke off, recognizing Erwin, and stood to attention, saluting smartly. “Commander, Sir!” The other members of the group followed their comrade’s example, although the boy who had been complaining seemed almost to lack the energy to raise his fist to his heart.

“Carry on,” said Erwin, amused in spite of himself. It seemed that Levi was still the hard taskmaster he had always been when it came to the standards he demanded of the soldiers under his command.

The light was dimming as Erwin reached the training area. High in the trees he saw Levi, alone, flying above the dummy titans, practising complex manoeuvres.

Erwin opened his mouth to order Levi down, but closed it again, as Levi performed a front spin high in the air, culminating in a perilous dive toward the ground, headfirst and in freefall, both lines retracting. Erwin gasped, thinking Levi had miscalculated, but at that moment he heard the thunk-thunk of twin anchors embedding themselves in wood, and Levi arched away from the earth as the gear pulled him back up into the trees.

“Levi!” he called, trying to ignore the hammering of his heart, “Come down!”

He heard the whir of wires, and a few seconds later Levi dropped to the ground beside him, his expression unreadable. “What is it?”

“Is that sensible? If your gear jammed –”

“I’d probably survive it, if I rolled. I’m not making the troops try it. I thought you wanted us all sharp.”

“Sharp, yes. And ready to fight. You – I don’t want – You’re no use to me injured.”

“Are you ordering me to stop practising that manoeuvre?”

“No. I’m just saying be careful.”

“So I can be of use to you.” Levi’s voice was its habitual monotone, except for the slightest edge of emphasis on the word _use_.

Erwin bit back the impulse to deny Levi’s accusation. The most sensible response would be to confirm Levi’s assumption, building back the boundaries Levi had attempted to break by staying at the camp in defiance of Erwin’s clear wishes. But Erwin remained silent. The silence stretched.

Levi shifted subtly; the slightest transfer of weight from one foot to the other. “So – I assume there’s a reason you’re here?”

Erwin cleared his throat. “Yes. It seems you were right in your estimation of parliament. I’ve just received word that there’s a small band of settlers on their way to us – two days off.”

“I see,” said Levi.

“They’re being led by Nile Dawk.”

Levi raised his eyebrows. “Is he with them as a guard, or a settler?”

“I don’t know. The message didn’t make that clear. I wouldn’t have thought Nile was the type to volunteer for life outside the walls.”

“People don’t always do what –” Levi began, anger flashing in his eyes before he caught himself.

“Go on,” Erwin said.

Levi’s eyes narrowed almost imperceptibly. “It doesn’t matter. What do you want me to do?”

“Do?” asked Erwin. “Nothing. You seem to be doing a good job of the training.”

“So – why are you here?”

“I thought you should know about the settlers.”

“You could have told me at the evening briefing. But you came out here, when you knew training was over.”

“I felt like a walk. It’s a fine evening.”

“Right. But you told me to keep out of your way.”

Erwin looked up at the darkening sky, then back at Levi. “I – probably overreacted. Your arrival was a – was unexpected. But you seem to be fitting in here after all, and I see no reason why we shouldn’t be able to work together.”

“Now there could be a titan threat, you mean?” Levi asked cynically. “I’m going back to camp. It’s been a long day.”

“Not because of the titan threat. Your professionalism –”

“What about it?” Levi asked, his voice low, but the strain of restraining his anger apparent in the set of his jaw. “Does it surprise you? Was I so unprofessional before?”

“No, never. You were always entirely professional. But your insistence on coming here – on staying here –”

“You don’t have to worry,” Levi said, looking Erwin straight in the eye. “I’m not about to embarrass either of us again. Whatever I – whatever I feel – I’m not so entirely lacking in self-discipline that I can’t control it.”

“Good, then,” Erwin said.

“If that’s all…”

“I’ll come back with you,” Erwin nodded.

Levi said nothing, but started walking. Erwin fell into step beside him, matching his rapid pace.

Levi tried not to clench his fists as he strode back towards the camp. What the hell was Erwin playing at? Was this a new strategy designed to make the atmosphere between them so strained that Levi would give up and go back to the walls? Surely Erwin didn’t really believe that he would leave _now_ , when there was a credible chance of a titan attack?

Levi made himself look straight ahead as they walked in silence back to the camp. Erwin glanced at him from time to time; Levi could feel his gaze like a tangible weight, which made him restless and irritable. In the past, he would have said something – a blunt, “What the hell are you staring at?” or a half-amused, “Creep!” And Erwin would have smiled knowingly, or raised an eyebrow, or responded honestly, “I’m staring at you, Levi,” – no innuendo in his inflection, but everything implied…

Levi couldn’t help but remember how quickly heat had once flared between them, and the present uncomfortable, dragging silence made him ache with the loss of that easy connection. The temptation to take the risk – to speak as he would have done then – was very strong. But Erwin had praised his professionalism, and if he went against that perception now, Levi feared that any tentative moves towards a reconciliation would be undone. He hated the fact that, for all the prickling tension between them, walking at Erwin’s side seemed right to him – still felt like the one place he belonged.

When they reached the edge of the camp, they both halted, Levi half turning toward his tent. The silence between them thickened. Levi looked back at Erwin, almost desperate.

“I –” Levi began.

“Well…” Erwin said, at the same moment.

Erwin recovered himself first. “Well, good evening, Levi.”

Levi nodded sharply, not trusting himself to speak, and headed for the refuge of his tent.

*

“Nile,” Erwin said, shaking his old friend firmly by the hand. “It’s good to see you again. I have to confess, I was surprised to hear that you were leading the resettlement.”

“Erwin. Good to see you, too. I’m still a bit surprised myself, actually. But when we were offered this chance, Marie said we should take it.” Nile looked a little sheepish as he added, “I – probably spent too much of my life inside the walls.”

“We all made the choices we thought were best at the time,” Erwin replied. “How’s Marie?”

“Ask her yourself,” Nile said, turning back to the wagon to help Marie down the steps.

Marie took his hand, stepped down from the wagon carefully, and smiled at Erwin, tucking a stray dark curl back behind her ear, and resting one hand gently of the full curve of her obviously pregnant belly. “Hello, Erwin.”

“Marie. You don’t look a day older!”

“Flirting with my wife already, Erwin?” Nile joked. “Must be about time you got one of your own, eh? Nothing to stop you now, is there?”

Erwin made no reply to that, turning to lift two-year-old Micah down from the wagon as the girls, Jana and Lise, scrambled out.

Sitting on a log by the fire next to Zoe Hange, Levi watched Erwin greeting Nile and his family. The image of Erwin with a laughing toddler in his arms gave him an unexpected jolt of something he wasn’t sure he wanted to examine too deeply.

“She’s pretty, isn’t she?” Zoe said in a loud whisper.

Levi frowned. “Who?”

“Marie. Nile’s wife.”

Levi looked at the heavily pregnant woman who stood smiling beside Nile. “I suppose so. Wonder what she saw in Nile Dawk!”

“Well, yes – when she could have had Erwin!”

“What?” Levi asked sharply. “What the hell are you talking about?”

Hange looked at him, surprised. “That’s _Marie_. You know – the one Erwin might have married.” She scanned Levi’s face, incredulous. “You mean you didn’t know? Oh – I assumed everyone –” With one of her hoarse barks of laughter, Zoe exclaimed, “Oops! There I go putting my foot in it again! Mike told me all about it years ago. He, Erwin and Nile used to go drinking together back when they were just trainees, and apparently Erwin and Nile were both madly in love with Marie, but she chose Nile. Or Nile chose her. I don’t know. I’d have thought Erwin would have told you about it – but then, Erwin never tells anyone anything if he can help it, does he?”

“No,” said Levi, scowling, looking at his hands.

“Don’t make that face!” Zoe laughed, more gently this time. “Levi – it was years ago. Before he even knew you. You can’t be jealous of –”

“Don’t be stupid, shit-for-brains! I’m not – That’s not –”

“Levi?” Zoe asked, concerned now. “What, then?”

Levi looked at her. “You think that’s what he really wanted all along?” Levi couldn’t deny the cold shock he felt at Zoe’s inadvertent revelation. Erwin had always been a secretive bastard – Levi had accepted years ago that Erwin would never give away information on any subject unless he believed it was absolutely necessary to divulge it – but he’d never expected _this_. “You think what he really wanted was what Nile has? A wife, kids – all that happy family bullshit? Because it’s not too late for him, is it?”

Levi suddenly understood why the image of Armin sitting beside Erwin, looking so much as though he could have been his son, had been so jarring; it had been a glimpse of a different kind of future for Erwin – one in which Levi would be irrelevant.

Zoe was looking at him, puzzled. “What do you mean?”

“What if I was wrong about everything? What if our – relationship – was just something that happened in wartime, when he didn’t have time – couldn’t go after what he really wanted? He gave up Marie to fight titans, didn’t he?”

“Yes, but that doesn’t mean –”

“He could still find someone. He could have that life.”

Zoe shook her head vehemently. “That’s not it. Levi, I don’t know why he’s behaving like he is, but I’m pretty sure it’s not because he wants to find a wife and settle down. Not everyone wants that kind of thing. It’s funny, I was talking to Mo about this just last night, and –”

“You were talking to Moblit about me and Erwin?” Levi asked, his frown deepening.

Zoe pressed her thumb against the deep lines between Levi’s eyebrows, and rubbed, scowling in imitation of his expression. “If the wind changes, you’ll be stuck like that!”

Levi batted her hand away. She laughed. “Huh – no, actually I wasn’t talking about you and Erwin. Not everything’s about you two! I was talking to Mo – Moblit – about how I couldn’t see myself settling down somewhere like Hochwald. There’s so much to see! Even in the tiny area we’ve explored so far, I’ve collected enough data to make a good start on half a dozen books!”

Levi looked at her thoughtfully. “Have I been a self-absorbed prick since I got here?”

Hange gave him a wide smile and raised her eyebrows, holding up her thumb and forefinger an inch apart.

“Sorry,” Levi said. “So – does Moblit want to settle somewhere?”

“No!” cried Zoe happily. “I thought he would. I’ve been going round in circles in my head, trying to think of a way to tell him that I didn’t want to settle down, and all along he wanted to explore too! He’s staying in the Corps, with me. He’ll be doing the illustrations for my books. We’ll be a research team!”

Levi nodded. “That’s good. I’m – happy for you.”

Zoe laughed again. “You look it!”

“Tch. I am.” Something like a smile appeared on Levi’s lips. “You do know everyone’s going to call you _Zo and Mo_ , don’t you?”

“They won’t, because, apart from Moblit, no one but you is allowed to call me Zoe. _Hange and Mo_ , thanks. Now – how are we going to sort out this stupid situation with you and Erwin?”

Levi’s expression darkened again. “I don’t know. But now I’ve found out this – about Marie…”

Levi and Zoe looked back towards the wagon train, where Erwin was still standing deep in conversation with Nile and Marie.

“She _is_ beautiful,” Levi said.

“Levi – it was years ago! That baby she’s carrying will be her fourth child with Nile. If Erwin wanted that life, there were dozens of interested women at court, before we left the walls. You should have seen them flocking around him when he attended official events – especially when he was in full dress uniform! He was polite, but nothing more than polite.” Zoe sighed. “I don’t know what else to tell you, Levi. If he doesn’t love you, then he doesn’t love anyone. I’m as sure as I can be about that.”

Levi shook his head. “I wish I was.” He got to his feet. Zoe looked up at him, her glasses glinting orange in the firelight. “Where are you going?’

“For a walk.”

“Be careful,” Zoe called after him.

Levi only pointed to the blades sheathed at his hips, as he walked away.

*

The arrival of the settlers seemed to be viewed by many of the Corps as a good excuse for a celebration. Levi walked up to the top of the low hill to the east of the camp, where he found Keiji on guard duty.

“Captain Levi!” Keiji said, saluting as he approached.

“At ease, Lieutenant.”

“Is something wrong?”

“No, nothing. I’m just stretching my muscles after training. Demonstrating the same manoeuvres over and over can be wearing. They seem to be having something of a party to welcome the settlers. I’ll take your watch, if you want to join them.”

Keiji didn’t need telling twice. “Yes, Sir! My watch finishes at ten… Is that all right?”

“Yes. Go on.”

“Thank you, Sir!”

 The enthusiasm in his tone and the speed of his departure made Levi wonder whether the lieutenant had someone in particular he was keen to meet.

Levi looked out into the darkness. The sky was clear, but the day had been humid and the stars were a little hazy. The moon was a reddish gold, almost full and just rising. Levi was struck by the beauty of the night outside the walls, as he had often been during his journey to the northeast. He found himself thinking again of the first time he’d seen the sky unbounded by a wall. Would Marie and Nile’s child be the first human to be born free of the walls in more than a hundred years?

It would be strange for Erwin, Levi considered – the architect of humanity’s victory witnessing the birth of a child that, in other circumstances, might have been his own. Assuming, of course, that the surviving titans really were only a few aberrants. Levi scanned the moonlit landscape before him with watchful eyes. Behind him he could hear the sounds of laughter, and even singing, coming from the camp. Ahead, the night was quiet, and nothing moved against the softly glimmering sky.

 

Although he was still somewhat angry at parliament’s decision to send the settlers to Hockwald despite the possible titan threat, Erwin was surprised by how pleasant he found it to see Nile and his family again. Despite their differences of opinion, especially towards the end of the war, Erwin still considered Nile to be a friend, and the Military Police Chief seemed to feel the same, reminiscing with Erwin about their training days, and raising a tankard of beer to Mike’s memory. Other toasts had followed, and Erwin was feeling slightly off balance, although nowhere near drunk, when he refused the wine Hange offered him.

“I’ve had enough,” he told her. “The Commander doesn’t ever really go off duty.”

“I’m sure Armin would cover for you,” Hange said, although she didn’t press the point, handing the flagon of wine to Keiji instead – “Or Levi.”

“Where is Levi?” Erwin asked, suddenly aware that he hadn’t seen the captain all evening.

“He went for a walk,” Hange said. She hesitated, uncertain of whether to say more, but Keiji swallowed his wine, wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, and said, “Oh – Captain Levi took over from me, on watch. But he should be finished soon. He’s up on the east ridge, if you’re looking for him.”

Erwin looked eastwards before he could stop himself.

Moblit appeared at Hange’s side, holding another flagon of wine. He topped up Hange’s tankard, and Keiji’s. “Commander?”

“No – thank you. I – think I could do with a walk.”

Hange said nothing, but when Erwin had gone, she turned to Moblit, smiling. “He went east!” she exclaimed, raising her tankard as if in a toast.

Moblit looked confused, but held up his drink anyway. “So,” he said, “I suppose – _prost!_ then?”

Hange laughed. “Exactly!” she replied. “I’ll explain later.”

 

Levi turned at the sound of Erwin’s footsteps behind him.

“Levi,” Erwin said, coming to stand at his side.

“I’m on duty,” Levi said. “Took over from Keiji. Are you on next? I didn’t hear the watch bell.”

“You didn’t want to join the celebrations?” Erwin asked, rather than replying.

Levi looked straight ahead. “I’m sure Keiji will enjoy it more than I would.”

“I saw Heike Merkel and her friends by the campfire. They’d probably like it if you joined them.”

“Yeah – a visit from their C.O. is just what every bratty recruit longs for at a party.”

“It was good to see Nile again.”

“And _Marie_?” Levi said, too harshly. Erwin turned his head sharply.

“You never talked about her,” Levi said.

“Hange said something, I suppose?” Erwin asked. When Levi didn’t answer, Erwin smiled. “Well. It was a long time ago. I wasn’t even a _bratty recruit_.”

“Bratty trainee,” Levi said. Erwin chuckled.

Levi starred at him, his expression hard. “Are you drunk?”

“No. I had a beer or two, but no.”

Levi knew it would be better to keep quiet, but he found that he had to ask the question that had been plaguing him since Hange told him about Marie.

“Is that what you wanted?” he demanded, looking out into the night rather than at Erwin’s face. “All the time you were with – all the time we were fucking – you were aiming for a life after the titans with a wife and a bunch of brats, just like Nile fucking Dawk? All that bullshit about setting me free – you just wanted out of a convenient wartime arrangement? But I don’t get it – Hange implied that women were all over you like flies at court. What the hell are you doing out here, if that’s what you wanted all along?”

Erwin hesitated, and instantly berated himself for doing so. Levi was presenting him with the perfect excuse to settle matters – to make his position clear. One easy lie… But, although he had often kept his plans, his knowledge, and his suspicions about the titans secret even from Levi, Erwin had never lied to him except when he’d sent him away. It shouldn’t be so difficult– not after the pain Erwin knew he had already inflicted. _Just do it!_ Erwin told himself. _One lie, and he’ll be able to move on. Just say yes, I want Nile’s life. I always wanted –_

“No,” said Erwin. “No, that’s not what I want. I don’t think it was ever really what I wanted, although I may have thought so once.”

Levi turned to look at him then. “What, then? If you’re so determined to rid yourself of me, at least tell me what it is that you _do_ want!”

“I – don’t want anything. Work. I want to be useful. That’s it.”

“But you were in love with Marie?”

“I thought I was.”

“And never with me.”

“I – don’t know. I – can’t -” Erwin struggled for honesty, since it seemed that he was telling the truth in spite of his own intentions. “I can’t _feel_ anything,” he admitted. “Nothing important. I can’t – I think about Mike’s death, and I know I should feel something, but there’s nothing. With you, it’s the same. I know what I owe you, but there’s – nothing.”

“ _Never_?” Levi asked, his voice very low. “Was there never anything at all?”

“I don’t know. I wanted you – physically - but that’s not –”

Levi took a step towards Erwin, and froze as the bell signalling the change of watch rang out.

They stood together in silence as a young woman climbed the hill, the ill-fitting improvised blades in her sheaths clattering as she walked. “I’ve come to relieve you, Lieutenant – oh!” Her eyes widened as she recognised the two figures on the ridge. “Captain! Commander!”

“Thank you. I stand relieved,” Levi said automatically, turning to walk away down the hill. Erwin caught up with him, but could think of nothing to say. In the darkness at the bottom of the ridge, and out of earshot of the soldier on duty, Levi stopped walking abruptly and turned to where Erwin stood, a shadowy presence beside him. “Do you still want me?” He made a small, derisive noise. “ _Physically,_ I mean?”

“I –”

Levi struggled with himself for a moment, reminding himself that it had only been two days since he'd resolved to behave with perfect professionalism, but he found that Hange's revelation about Marie had changed everything. He reached up and dragged Erwin’s head down to his level, forcing him into a kiss that was clumsy and too hard, all teeth and wet heat and no gentleness. He pulled away, breathing heavily, and put his hand on Erwin’s already hard cock.

“Yeah - you want me,” Levi said.

 “Yes,” Erwin confessed, “Yes, I do. But that’s irrelevant, don’t you – Levi, we could go back to my tent and fuck right now, and it wouldn’t make any difference. Don’t you understand that?”

Levi’s teeth grazed Erwin’s jaw. “We could stay here and fuck right now.”

“And it wouldn’t make any difference!” Erwin gasped, jerking his head away from Levi’s mouth. “Nothing would change. I never denied wanting you. This is nothing new. Even if we did that, I wouldn’t feel what you want me to feel. I can’t. That part of me – it’s gone. Like my arm. It – won’t grow back.”

“All right.” Levi pressed the heel of his hand hard against Erwin’s cock. Erwin couldn’t hold back a soft moan as much at the idea of Levi’s hands on him as at the physical pressure. In the darkness, he saw the white flash of Levi’s mirthless smile. “All right,” Levi said again, his voice harsh. “I get it. You don’t love me. You never loved me. So how is this any different from any other time? You want me, and fuck knows I want you, so –”

Erwin shoved Levi’s hand away and staggered backwards a step. “Stop it! This is why – This isn’t what either of us –”

“It’s better than nothing,” Levi said flatly. “Fuck, Erwin, it’s better than nothing.”

“I’m sorry,” Erwin said. “Levi, if I could love anyone… But I told you, that part of me just doesn’t work any more. And there are so many other, better people – undamaged people. But you won’t find someone if you waste your life waiting for me to feel something I can’t. I was wrong to try to send you away like I did. I thought it would be a clean cut, but I should have told you the truth. I didn’t understand how much –”

“How much I love you?”

“Yes.”

“You still don’t. You don’t have a fucking clue. Not if you can stand there spouting that bullshit about _other people_. What – you think I’m going to find a Marie, have five brats of my own, and live happily ever after?”

“I was hoping – something like that, yes.”

“Oh. You really thought – Oh god. And did you have someone in mind for me, or was this all just hypothetical?”

“No one, exactly. But I thought, someone like Heike Merkel, or –”

“That kid? Shit - you’ve really been thinking about this, haven’t you? Fuck, Erwin, _Heike Merkel_? No. It’s you, you stupid bastard. It’s only ever been you. Why do you think I came back? Why do you think I stayed?”

Erwin could think of nothing to say.

Levi sighed. “You can’t love me – you won’t fuck me – all right, that’s how it is. But we work well together, Erwin. We can be useful here. If that’s all you can give me, I’ll take it. Just – don’t try to push me away again. And for god’s sake, leave the recruits alone! The last thing a good kid like Heike needs is for someone to try to marry her off to a fucked up idiot like me. Shit! I’m going to get drunk. Hope Keiji’s left some of that decent wine.”

Levi turned and headed back to the camp, leaving Erwin standing alone in the darkness.

 


	9. In Darkness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erwin didn't intend to go to Levi's tent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all the kudos and comments on this story, and for sticking with it so far. The end is in sight - I think two more chapters, although it may end up being three. This one is long, but it doesn't really work as two separate ones. Some spoilers for manga chapters 56 and 57, and smut warning!

“Levi!” Hange called, waving a tankard in his general direction from her comfortable seat on the canvass chair outside her tent, “Come and have a drink with us!”

Moblit and Armin seconded the invitation simultaneously, Armin raising an identical tankard to Hange’s, and Moblit a small wineskin.

Moblit handed Levi the wineskin as he approached. “It’s not bad,” he said. “ _Klebrot_ , from northern Rose.”

“Or there’s beer,” Hange said, draining her tankard to emphasise the point, “but you have to get it from the open keg by the supply wagons.”

Levi looked at the wineskin for a moment, tempted, then shook his head and handed it back to Moblit. “Thanks, but – I’m going to bed,” he said. “I’ve been training all day –”

“- You’ll never sleep!” Hange interrupted him. “Not with all this racket going on. Have a drink, Levi. Celebrate - or drown your sorrows?” She gave him a concerned look. He shook his head.

“I need to sleep. Must be getting old. Let me know if any titans turn up.”

“Levi –”

“I’m _tired_ ,” Levi said, emphatically enough that Hange gave up and let him go. Moblit stared after him. “What was that about?”

“He’s had another argument with the commander?” Armin wondered.

Hange looked at him sharply. “Why would you think that?”

Armin gazed into his beer thoughtfully. “Well – ever since Captain Levi arrived they seem to have been avoiding each other. But when we were fighting the war, Levi was always at the commander’s side, whenever they were stationed together. And the fact that Erwin didn’t rescind my second-in-command status when Levi turned up… I mean, I know Levi was always special ops, but he should still outrank me by a hundred miles. When I asked the captain about it, he made – a kind of joke.”

“Yes – well - don’t spread that theory around,” Hange warned him. “Whatever it is, it’s a personal matter, not a military one. Perhaps Erwin just felt bad about the idea of effectively demoting you.”

“I wouldn’t mind that,” Armin said. “Not if it was in favour of Captain Levi, anyway.

Hange sighed, and handed her tankard to Armin. “No – I know you wouldn’t. But let it go, all right? Whatever it is, they’ll just have to sort it out between themselves. Go and get me another beer will you? I’m so tired after all that training Levi put us through yesterday I think I’ll fall over if I stand up.”

“Sure,” replied Armin, affable as ever. “Moblit?”

“Thanks, but I’m fine with the wine. Hey – that rhymes!”

When Armin had gone, Hange let out a small scream of frustration. Startled, Moblit turned to look at her. “What was that for?”

“Erwin and Levi! Sometimes, I swear I could just knock their heads together!”

Moblit snorted.

“What?”

“You’d have to ask Erwin to sit down first.”

Hange rolled her eyes at him. “You’re drunk.”

Moblit raised his wineskin. “Not yet, but I’m working on it.”

“If you get like you did after the victory celebration, you’re sleeping on the floor tonight,” Hange warned.

Moblit raised his eyebrows. “Zoe…”

“What?”

“Last time you said that, you ended up on the floor with me.”

Hange grinned. “Did, didn’t I? Better drink up, then.”

 

Levi lay on his camp bed in the dark, listening to the sounds of revelry coming from outside. Despite what he’d told Erwin about getting drunk, he’d never had much liking for alcohol, and, although the idea of brief oblivion was tempting, the inevitable after effects weren’t. Anyway, someone needed to stay sober, just in case a titan actually did show up. Erwin had posted guards of course, but Levi couldn’t shake the old habit of constant vigilance outside the walls whenever he was awake. He hadn’t been lying to Hange though – he really was exhausted. His tiredness went deeper than the physical aching of his muscles and joints; Levi felt a profound sense of weariness that sapped his hope. If Erwin was telling the truth – and Levi thought he had been, this time – then it seemed clear that Erwin was genuine in his belief that his ability to feel was gone as surely as his arm was.

It was strange, Levi reflected, that his own experiences throughout the war had led him to a position that was the opposite of Erwin’s. As a child, Levi had been taught to despise attachment as weakness, to hold onto his pride, to insist on respect and to take it by force if necessary. He had been forbidden to associate with other children his age, and even the animals he had attempted to befriend had been kicked away or taken from him – once, a litter of four kittens drowned. The man who had raised him had demanded loyalty and obedience, always quick to raise his hand and sparing with his faint praise. Levi had learned to live for a quiet _hm_ of approval, a grudging _not bad_.

Later, in the underground below Sina, Levi had made his first real friends – people who seemed prepared to like him despite his odd behaviour and his insistence on having the final say in any decision. He had saved Isabel from almost certain death on the streets, although the idea of being responsible for her terrified him. The impulse to protect, to _care_ , seemed innate and unavoidable, no matter how Levi tried to follow his early teaching and remain detached.

When he’d met Erwin – when Erwin had ordered Mike to push him down into the open sewer – Levi had been convinced that here was a man he understood; a threat of the kind he’d been taught to oppose – a man whose pride would seek to crush his own and make him submit. It wasn’t until his own stupid pride had caused the deaths of the only two people Levi had ever really loved, that he came to understand that Erwin’s motivations were entirely unlike his own. Erwin had no pride of the kind that was driven by ego and the desire to conquer for conquest’s sake. His aim was something higher – a vision of freedom beyond anything Levi had even thought to dream of. Although he had no idea what had inspired him to become this admirable man, Levi understood that Erwin possessed qualities he was lacking, and he had resolved to follow Erwin from that moment, determined to learn from a teacher he could finally respect.

Erwin had given Levi choice; something he had never thought would be given freely, only taken by force. Levi had given Erwin his trust at that moment, and his heart – always too soft, according to his first teacher – had gone with it.

In a way, Levi thought, closing his eyes but unable to sleep, it would have been easier if his feelings had grown numb as Erwin’s seemed to have done. But he had never managed the knack of indifference. He remembered an old, cynical veteran – long dead now - who had advised at the start of one of Levi’s first missions as a captain, “With new recruits, it’s better not to ask their names. Think of them as numbers, or address them by position. Half of them will be dead by nightfall – you lose less if it’s only a ‘Left Flank’ who dies. I always tell them, ‘survive your first battle, and then tell me your name.’” Since then, Levi had always made a point of asking the names of every soldier under his command, appalled at the old man’s attitude.

But every loss hurt more than the last, and Levi found that he had to work harder and harder at maintaining his cool façade, the tension increasing in him until he was sure he would eventually crack. He had witnessed too much death. Too many soldiers – too many entire units – wiped out when he had been elsewhere, or powerless to save them. Far from blunting his emotions, the path his life had taken had honed them to a painful sharpness, so that now, Erwin’s repeated rejections cut him deeper than any enemy had ever done. Perhaps that veteran had been right after all? Perhaps the ability to cut yourself off from your emotions was a necessary survival tactic?

 _We’re trapped,_ Levi realised, recognising the old feeling of helplessness rising in him _. He can’t love me, and I can’t stop loving him. What a fucking mess!_

Strangely, though, Levi found a kind of peace in that realisation – enough to push the panic away, and to confirm his fundamental belief that the old veteran had been wrong. Levi knew, now, that he wasn’t going to leave Erwin under any circumstances. He’d lived most of his life in the expectation of disaster, never knowing whether the person at his side would still be there the next day, and it had taught him to value the present moment, however shitty the situation. If all Erwin could give him was a working relationship, then he’d make what he could of it. He would no more consider leaving Erwin for his lack of the ability to feel than he would for his lack of a right arm.

 _And Erwin’s left arm is getting stronger every day,_ Levi thought. _As long as we’re both still breathing, there’s no reason to give up._

Sleep overtook him at last, and to that, at least, he surrendered willingly.

*

For the next three weeks Levi did his best to keep out of Erwin’s way. It was easier now that the settlers were in the camp; Erwin spent time with Nile and his family, and Levi was occupied at the training ground, or helping Armin with the on-going work in Hockwald. The damaged wall was quickly rebuilt using the original stones, and the solid oak gates were re-hung with new hinges ordered from a blacksmith in Karanese. The only supplies not forthcoming were blades; the one remaining foundry had run out of iron ore, and steel production had been temporarily halted. No more titans had been reported, however, and it was beginning to seem that the one encountered by the Southern Expedition had indeed been a lone aberrant.

When Armin received a letter from Jean Kirschstein confirming that the titan killed in the south had genuinely existed and giving details of its size and appearance, Erwin called a meeting in his tent to which all three captains and Nile Dawk were invited. Hange studied Jean’s letter when Erwin handed it to her. “If we’re lucky, that really was the last of the titans,” she said, relieved. “Its behaviour suggests that it was one of the more controlled aberrants, as we predicted. We shouldn’t let our guards down, but I think it’s almost certain that any titans we do encounter in the future will be single aberrants rather than groups.”

“Still be happier if we had more blades,” Levi said, almost to himself.

“They’re on order,” Armin said. “The factory –”

“Yes, I heard.” Levi shook his head. “I’m not blaming anyone. It’s just – if we do encounter any titans, we’re going to have to be really fucking precise.”

“That’s what training’s for,” Erwin said. Levi thought he detected an edge of impatience beneath Erwin’s apparently mild tone, and looked at him, stung.

“I _know_. I’m not making excuses!”

“I didn’t mean –” Erwin began, but Hange cut him off, pretending to have been absorbed in Jean’s letter the whole time. “He says the titan showed some cunning – hiding until the main body of the troops had passed, and then attacking from the rear,” she said. “That would seem to confirm that the aberrants who can override the coordinate are the more self-aware ones. If we do meet any we have to remember that they’ll be more intelligent than normal. It might be wise to think of them as being like shifters.”

Levi bit his lip and nodded, but his eyes were still focused on Erwin. Erwin glanced towards Hange. “Good. That sounds sensible.”

The silence that followed threatened to turn awkward. Nile looked from Erwin to Levi, confused. Hange went back to the letter with apparently avid attention. Armin looked at his hands.

“I – have some news,” Nile said, too loudly. Erwin turned to him, relieved. “What is it?”

“I received a letter from parliament this morning. The king wants to attend the official founding of Hochwald. I have orders for you – logistics, dates.” Nile took an envelope of expensive cream-coloured paper from the inside pocket of his jacket. Erwin broke the royal seal and managed to open the envelope, but the thick paper of the letter was wedged inside tightly and he hesitated, not wanting to take it out with his teeth as he might have done if he’d been alone. Levi reached across the trunk that was serving as a table, took the envelope from Erwin, extracted the letter and unfolded it. He laid the empty envelope on the trunk and handed the open letter back to Erwin without a word, his fingers accidentally brushing against Erwin’s as he did so. Erwin coloured slightly, and Levi looked away, his heart beating too fast, unsure whether Erwin was angry or embarrassed by his actions, or as shocked as he was himself by the ridiculous surge of desire that flooded him as the result of that brief touch.

Frowning, Erwin scanned the letter. Levi watched him, silently berating himself for his idiotic action. He hadn’t meant to imply that Erwin couldn’t manage for himself – helping had been an automatic response – a thoughtless, stupid impulse he ought to have checked. And before that he’d sworn out of habit, which probably explained Erwin’s apparent impatience with him. Levi knew he’d always been awkward – socially inept. When he’d been a useful soldier - when he’d been _necessary_ to Erwin - such clumsiness had been overlooked, but _now_ –

“A month from now,” Erwin said, looking up from the letter. “Half the royal court, by the sound of things, and an escort of Military Police. Together with official artists and representatives from the press, I have no doubt. They seem confident that the titan threat is minimal, anyway.”

Nile smiled at Erwin. “Yes – this settlement is a big deal. The government is keen to begin controlled expansion as soon as possible.”

“Apparently so,” Erwin said.

“There will be four initial settlements, founded by the four expeditions,” Nile explained. “Hochwald is the first, but just before we left, we had news that the Western Division had found a town the size of Stohess.”

“Bait towns,” Levi said.

Nile looked at him sharply, his smile fading. “What?”

“They haven’t changed. Yeah, they want their new farmland, and their mineral resources, but they also want to make damn sure that the titans have really gone before they leave the walls themselves. If there are still titans out here, we’ll find out soon enough.”

Nile paled visibly. “No – you’re wrong. The king _is_ leaving the walls – you heard Erwin’s orders. This is humanity’s new start! You’re too cautious, Levi. The war is over.”

“The king’s leaving the walls with a whole troop of MPs,” Levi said.

“Of course!” Nile exclaimed. “You can’t blame him for that.”

“Don’t blame him,” Levi replied. “I’ll just be interested to see whether this blade shortage has affected the Military Police in the same way as the Survey Corps.”

“If the Military Police have spare blades, I’ll make sure some are handed over to the Survey Corps,” Nile said. “Levi – I know relations haven’t always been easy between our divisions, but now the war is over we should put those differences aside.”

Levi glanced towards Erwin, and then nodded at Nile. “Yeah – all right. I just hope the titans have really gone.”

Erwin moved the meeting on, assigning tasks relating to the royal visit to each of the captains and Nile. Armin was given most of the jobs that would involve actual contact with important members of the court; Erwin clearly felt that of all of them he was the most charming and least likely to cause offence. Levi had to agree with that assessment. He was relived to find that his input would be minimal: logistical issues to do with accommodation and troop movements, securing Hochwald, and continuing with training.

By the time the meeting ended the sun was already starting to set and the evening meal was being served. Levi wondered whether he should attempt to apologise to Erwin for his clumsy gesture with the letter, but in the end he decided it would only make an awkward situation worse, and he opted to follow Hange to the mess tent instead.

* 

Erwin watched Levi, on the other side of the campfire, talking with Hange and the three young soldiers who seemed to have become his unofficial squad: Otto, Heike, and Jonas. As usual Levi listened more than he spoke, but he seemed at ease with the three of them, smiling at something Otto said that made everyone around him laugh, his posture more relaxed than Erwin had seen it for a long time. Erwin looked down at his hand, remembering the fleeting touch of Levi’s fingers when he’d helped him with the letter. It had been a graceful intervention, quick and matter-of-fact, allowing no room for the pity that Erwin feared. If anyone else had done it – even an old friend like Zoe – the gesture would have rankled, but when it was Levi, it felt natural.

The touch itself, though, had burned. Merely recalling the shock of that unexpected contact made Erwin’s fingers tingle. Since their conversation on the night of the settlers’ arrival Levi had kept out of Erwin’s way, barely speaking to him except in response to specific questions about work, or to acknowledge orders. Erwin knew it was ludicrously hypocritical to resent Levi for that, but when he saw him chatting easily with the troops Erwin found himself unsettled.

The problem was that his physical attraction to Levi hadn’t dissipated in the least – quite the opposite, in fact. It had existed from the moment he’d first seen Levi’s extraordinary skill with the manoeuvring gear in the underground city more than eight years earlier, and it had only grown stronger with the passing of time. He’d suppressed his own knowledge of the attraction for the first two years of their working relationship, dismissing any feelings of desire as understandable excitement over the promise for the future Levi represented.

After that tense moment of sudden mutual understanding on the mission during which Levi had received the scar on his shoulder where the titan had clawed at him, Erwin had been forced to acknowledge that his desire for Levi was real and undoubtedly sexual. However, he had firmly resisted the temptation to act on it, telling himself that every rule of correct behaviour forbade the kind of unprofessional conduct he was starting to imagine with alarming regularity whenever he found himself in Levi’s company.

His resolve had shattered one rainy evening, in a small closed carriage, on the way back to headquarters after a partially successful attempt at raising funding for the Survey Corps at one of Lord Gelen’s famous parties. Levi had been angry and frustrated, bitter about the way the pampered aristocrats had asked questions about titans and battles as though the stories Levi could tell were nothing more than another form of entertainment, on a par with the singers and jugglers Lord Gelen had employed. Erwin had tried to take the reasonable line – the residents of Sina had never seen a titan, they were ignorant rather than malicious – but in truth his feelings had been similar to Levi’s. Levi had apparently noticed Erwin’s weariness, telling him with characteristic bluntness that he looked like shit.  Erwin had made some reply – he couldn’t remember what exactly – but he had never forgotten Levi’s next words: _Tell me to fuck off if I’m wrong about this -_ And then Levi had kissed him, and all his noble intentions had burned away in a blaze of pure lust.

They had both been clumsy and desperate, neither of them having had time or opportunity for much in the way of sexual experience in the past, and that first encounter between them had been a hasty, wordless, breathless affair in the dimly lit, rocking interior of the cramped carriage – hard kisses, fumbling and groping, heat and sweat and stifled gasps, until they came in each other’s hands – and then the startled realisation that the carriage was slowing, and a scramble to clean up and refasten clothing before they arrived at HQ. Erwin remembered descending from the carriage, glad of the darkness concealing his heightened colour, wondering how Levi managed to look so unruffled. They had glanced at each other, passing through the main gate, and there had been only the briefest hesitation when they reached the barracks before Erwin had said, “Goodnight,” and Levi had nodded and turned away.

They hadn’t spoken about it afterwards, and for almost a month they had behaved as though nothing of the kind had ever taken place, until one day, finding himself alone with Levi after an intense session on the training ground, Erwin had pushed Levi up against a tree, and it had happened again.

Sex between them had continued like that – infrequent, and never discussed afterwards - but occasionally it had been possible to take time over the experience, and even, rarely, to spend whole nights together. Eventually a kind of ease had replaced the initial half-disbelieving awkwardness between them. There had even been moments of laughter – times when Erwin had felt –

But what was it that he’d felt _?_ That was the whole problem, Erwin considered, trying not to let his gaze stray too often to Levi on the other side of the campfire – he couldn’t remember, now, how he’d felt during those encounters. Had there ever been a time when his emotions had truly played a part in his meetings with Levi? Or had their sexual relationship never been based on anything but mutual lust?

Erwin remembered holding Levi – how it had been to hold him in both arms, when he had been whole. On those nights when he’d stayed in Levi’s bed, or Levi in his, hadn’t there been some feeling of – what? Some kind of sympathy that went beyond desire? Some kind of tenderness? Possibly. Erwin thought there probably had been – but he could no longer recall how it had felt. In his mind, he saw himself holding Levi close, and imagined the feeling of Levi’s hair, soft against his palm. He could remember that sensation, setting nerves firing from a hand that was no longer there, but when he tried to imagine the emotion that might have accompanied the physical feeling, there was nothing at all.

Nile approached with a bowl of stew in either hand, and sat down on the log at Erwin’s side. Handing Erwin one of the bowls, he stretched out his long legs with a contented sigh. “This stew’s good.”

“Yes,” Erwin said, settling the bowl on his knees and picking up the spoon that was protruding from the stew, dragging his attention away from thoughts of Levi. “We have access to good quality beef, now. I hear they’ve already started farming livestock outside Wall Maria.”

“The inner wall farmers were furious at first,” Nile grinned. “Beef prices tumbled. But now parliament has decided to subsidize them to keep their herds going until settlements are established and they can move farmers out to new areas. We have five cows with us – three in calf. Sheep and goats, too. But we’ll need more stock as the town expands, and, if all goes to plan, it should expand quickly.”

“You seem to be doing your best to repopulate the world on your own,” Erwin observed, smiling.

Nile laughed. “Yes. I can’t tell you what a worry it used to be. We didn’t intend to have more than two, the way things were. And then Micah came along – and now this one… But it’s fine now the war’s over. There’ll be enough food and enough space for everyone.”

“As long as we’re right about the remaining titans being only a few aberrants,” Erwin said.

“That’s the only theory that makes sense,” Nile answered, his expression serious. “You can’t believe I would have brought Marie and the children here if I wasn’t sure of that? Hochwald is as secure as we can make it, and we have a Military Police garrison that will remain for at least the first ten years. They’ll almost certainly settle here too. You’ll be at more risk, continuing to explore further from the walls. But then, you have Levi.”

Erwin nodded. “We have Levi. But even Levi’s not invincible. There were several times, during the war…”

“But the war’s over!” Nile patted Erwin’s shoulder. “You’re still as uptight as you ever were, Erwin! Relax. It’s a new world, now.”

“How are you going to run the Military Police from Hochwald?” Erwin asked, changing the subject.

“I’m not. I’m still the chief in name, until the founding ceremony in a month’s time. After that I become mayor of Hochwald instead. I don’t suppose you remember a lad called Marlowe Freudenberg?”

“I’m not sure. The name sounds familiar...”

“You might have met him at some point, with everything that happened towards the end. He’s young – must have been from the same cohort as the one you recruited Eren Jaeger and the others from. But he’s a reformer. Passionate. A good antidote to everything we found out about – well, you know.”

“The Central Military Police? Yes.”

“That was one of the main reasons Marie wanted to move out here,” Nile confided. “I mean, we were all shocked by the revelations, but it hit her hard – the idea that I’d been even remotely connected with that. A new start – that’s what we’re aiming for now.”

“It’s a good goal,” Erwin said.

“And you’ve left the walls behind, too,” Nile commented cheerfully. “I used to think you were just an unrealistic dreamer, but you did it, Erwin. You set us free from the titans!”

“Most of the titans.”

“Any remaining ones will be dealt with,” Nile replied. “You should be proud of what you’ve achieved, but you don’t seem very happy about it!”

“I’m – glad it’s over,” Erwin said.

Nile sighed. “What you need is a wife. Kids of your own. They’d keep you too busy to brood like this. Marie has a younger sister, you know. Not married yet. She’s called Helena. _Almost_ as beautiful as –”

“I’m not planning on settling down, Nile. I want –” Erwin shook his head, even as he spoke the word. The truth was that he didn’t _want_ at all – not when it came to plans for the future. “I _have_ to keep going,” he corrected himself. “Out there. There’s still work to do.”

“There’s always work to do. Don’t you think you deserve a rest?”

Erwin looked at Nile, startled. “ _Deserve_? I don’t – Ha! If we start talking about what we _deserve_ –” Again, he checked himself. “I’m sorry, Nile. I’m talking nonsense. I just want to keep exploring for a while, that’s all. I’m – not ready to settle down yet.”

“You always did push yourself,” Nile replied, finishing his stew. He looked up as Armin and a couple of younger soldiers approached. “I remember when we were trainees and Tor Albrecht was our instructor,” Nile began, loudly enough to catch the interest of the young soldiers. “Remember Albrecht, Erwin? Made Shardis look like a pussycat. The recruits that came after us didn’t know they were born! And he had it in for you from day one because you wouldn’t give in, no matter what stupid task he set you. It drove him crazy! Remember that time you were still doing laps of the compound when the rest of us came out for morning drill?”

Nile soon had quite an audience. Erwin half listened to Nile’s colourful stories of their shared past and made comments at appropriate times, but he found it difficult to concentrate. It all seemed so long ago that he felt almost as if Nile were describing the exploits of a couple of strangers. Every so often Nile would mention Mike, but, although Erwin knew that those memories ought to make him feel sorrow, or at least nostalgia, he found that he couldn’t connect to what Nile was saying. All that was long past - a time in which he had been a stupidly naïve boy with an impossible mission. By some unfathomable combination of stubborn determination and blind luck, he had achieved his goal, but the _price_ …

The price had been too high. It hadn’t yet been paid in full.

Erwin glanced across the campfire to see what Levi was making of Nile’s exaggerated tales, but Levi had gone.

Eventually the party around the fire broke up. The soldiers who had been assigned sentry duty went to relieve their comrades, and Nile slapped Erwin on the back as both men got to their feet. “Marie will be wondering where I’ve been! We’re moving into the house in a few days, Erwin. It’ll be good to get out of the wagons. Come for dinner, when we’re settled.”

“I will,” Erwin promised. He watched Nile walking towards the wagons and his family, and turned towards his own tent. Then he hesitated. Levi would probably still be awake, and Nile’s talk of the future had made Erwin somehow restless. He wanted to be away from Hochwald. He needed to work. Preparing the town for a royal visit was no job for the Survey Corps. Levi had already travelled beyond the walls. He might have some useful ideas about the direction they should take next.

A lamp was still burning in Levi’s tent. The heavy fabric glowed with soft yellow light, turning it the colour of old parchment. A shadow moved across the canvass; Levi was awake, not yet in bed.

Erwin pushed aside the tent flap, about to announce himself, but fell silent as he saw Levi, turned away from him, out of harness, barefoot and stripped to the waist, clearly halfway through changing for bed. Startled, Levi looked around, the impressive muscles of his neck, shoulders and back, defined in golden lamplight and deep shade, shifting subtly as he turned. Erwin stared. Levi frowned. “What do you want?”

“I – wanted –” The excuse was ridiculous, Erwin realised. What he wanted –

“Come in, before you bring every moth in the camp in with you,” Levi said, reaching for his shirt, which lay, neatly folded, on his bed.

Erwin took a step inside, letting the canvass flap fall shut behind him. Levi looked at him for a moment, and then started to pull on his shirt. Erwin took another step. “Levi – wait.”

Levi’s arms fell to his sides, the shirt hanging from his left wrist, his hands clenched. “Erwin –”

Erwin crossed the tent to stand behind Levi. Levi turned his head to watch him, but otherwise remained absolutely still. Erwin reached out to run his fingers over the smooth skin of Levi’s left shoulder and downwards, tracing over hard muscle, his hand coming to rest on Levi’s narrow waist. Levi tensed under his touch, his jaw tightening. He closed his eyes, his expression pained. “For god’s sake, Erwin –”

Erwin withdrew his hand. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Levi – I shouldn’t be here. I don’t know why -” He stepped back, towards the entrance of the tent. Levi whirled to face him. “Don’t even think about going! You are _not_ doing this to me again! Fuck!”

“I’m sorry.” Erwin left the tent.  

“Shit!” Levi pulled on his shirt, hastily fastening enough buttons to look vaguely respectable if he met any other soldiers as he crossed the camp, yanked on his boots, and went after Erwin, his heart pounding his chest.

Erwin was just entering his tent when Levi caught up with him, shoving him in the small of the back so that he stumbled forward and half fell, landing on one knee. Levi followed him inside, letting the tent flap slap closed behind him. The lamps were unlit, but the flickering glow from the campfire outside provided just enough light to see by.

Before Erwin could fully get to his feet, Levi grabbed him by the lapels of his uniform jacket and kissed him with such force that he fell backwards. Levi went with him, reminded for a second of the way it felt to ride a titan to the ground after it had been slain – that same lurching motion. Levi sat back, straddling Erwin’s waist, looking down at him, unsmiling. He unbuttoned his own shirt, pulling it off impatiently and throwing it aside. He unfastened his fly, grabbed Erwin’s hand, and wrapped Erwin’s unresisting fingers around his cock, which was already fully hard. “You wanted to touch me,” Levi said, angry and frustrated. “I get it. You can’t love me, but you want me. I want you, too. It doesn’t have to be anything else.”

“But – it should -” Erwin started to protest, although his firm grip on Levi’s cock didn’t lessen.

“For fuck’s sake, Erwin!” Levi interrupted breathlessly, not quite succeeding in restraining himself from thrusting into Erwin’s hand, “We’re the Survey Corps! When was anything ever _not_ fucked up? Haven’t we always worked with what we’ve got?” He reached back and pressed down on the hard, hot bulge of Erwin’s erection through the rough fabric of his trousers. Erwin failed to hold back a soft moan and thrust his hips upwards against Levi’s palm, working Levi’s cock with his hand until Levi gasped, “Stop – shit – stop!”

Erwin let go and watched Levi struggling to stave off orgasm, head thrown back and breathing ragged. Erwin’s cock strained at the sight. When he had himself under control, Levi looked down at Erwin, frowning, then he stood and removed the rest of his clothes quickly. “Don’t suppose you have anything –”

Erwin shook his head. “No. It doesn’t matter. We don’t have to –”

“I want you to fuck me.” Levi looked around the dimly lit interior of the tent. The softly flickering firelight from outside licked dappled patterns over his skin. Erwin sat up, watching him.

“That’ll do,” Levi said, removing the glass top from one of the unlit oil lamps and dipping his fingers into the reservoir. He reached behind himself with absolutely no attempt to make any sort of show of the proceedings, and got himself ready with almost brutal efficiency, wincing slightly when he went too fast. Erwin struggled with the straps of his manoeuvre gear harness, but Levi shook his head. “It’ll take too long – leave it on.”

Erwin got to his feet slowly. “Levi – I don’t think –”

“Come here.”

Erwin glanced towards the bed.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Levi scoffed. “You know what it’s like trying to fuck on those. Whole thing’s liable to collapse under you half way through.” Levi held out his hand, although he still didn’t smile. “Come here.”

Although Erwin knew the whole situation was a very bad idea, he reasoned that he could hardly back out at this stage – not when he’d been the one to go to Levi’s tent in the first place. And Levi was naked and waiting for him, his beautifully proportioned body every bit as impressive as Erwin remembered. Lust flared in Erwin again, and this time Levi almost smiled when he saw the involuntary dilation of Erwin's pupils. Levi unbuttoned Erwin’s shirt, running his hands over hard, heated skin. Erwin bent to kiss Levi, and for a moment all the tension left Levi’s body as he opened his mouth in response to the wet slide of Erwin’s tongue along his bottom lip, pulling him closer as though he could conjure Erwin’s missing feelings back into life with the vitality of his own passion and the intensity of his kisses.

As abruptly as he had surrendered to Erwin’s kiss, Levi pulled away. He reached to unbutton Erwin’s fly, then turned to scoop up a little more of the lamp oil in his hand and coated Erwin’s hard cock with it in a business-like fashion. He fetched a blanket from the bed, spread it over the trunk that usually served as a table, and knelt up on top of it, giving him enough height for Erwin to fuck him comfortably from behind.

Erwin moved to stand behind Levi, and ran his hand along Levi’s naked back and over the tight curve of his ass. He kissed Levi’s neck, the slight scratch of his stubble making Levi shiver. Levi dropped to all fours, gripping the edges of the trunk, drawing in a sharp hissing breath as Erwin pushed inside him.

“Are you –” Erwin began, but Levi shot him an angry look over his shoulder. “Yes, I’m fine! Fuck – come on!”

Erwin fucked Levi in a kind of lustful trance, heightened by the weird red flicker of the firelight. He hadn’t intended this to happen – knew it would only complicate an already painfully complex situation – but moving inside Levi again made sense in a way little else had for a long time. He stroked the undulating muscles of Levi’s back as Levi pushed back to meet every thrust; grasped his hip as their movements became more frantic; finally leaned over him, his chest flush with Levi’s back, his right knee resting on the trunk alongside Levi’s, letting Levi to bear enough of his weight to allow him to take Levi’s cock in his hand without overbalancing.

Levi made a soft, desperate sound when Erwin’s hand closed around his cock. Erwin kissed Levi’s shoulder, the muscles there trembling minutely against his lips as Levi braced himself against Erwin’s weight and the power of his thrusts. Erwin licked and sucked at Levi’s skin, tasting the salt tang of clean sweat, and the astringency of soap, and Levi, Levi after so long, the familiar, unique taste of him. Levi threw his head back as Erwin’s hand moved faster on his cock, and Erwin wished he still had his right arm, longing to stroke his fingers over the taut arc of Levi’s throat. The imagined sensation of that, and the view of Levi’s flushed face, eyes closed and lips parted on panting breaths he could no longer control, snapped Erwin’s own control like a broken wire, and he came, shuddering, gasping, “Levi!”

Levi moaned aloud at the sound of his name on Erwin’s lips. Erwin felt the sudden hardening swell of Levi’s shaft in his hand, and palmed the head of his cock welcoming the sudden hot wetness of Levi’s release.

Levi’s head dropped forward and he arched his back upwards against Erwin’s chest and stomach, stretching his spine, breathing hard.

“Fuck, you’re heavy.”

Erwin kissed Levi’s back between his shoulder blades, and stood up carefully, wary of mess, even though they were in his tent, not Levi’s. “Sorry,” he said. “It’s hard to balance –”

“No - I like it. Your weight on me.” Levi turned his head to look at Erwin, who had already crossed to the washstand. Erwin poured water from the ewer into the ceramic bowl, washed his hand, then rinsed out a cloth, and passed it to Levi, who took it silently.

They washed quickly, not looking at each other. Levi gathered his scattered clothes and dressed with his back to Erwin, fastening every shirt button before he turned around. Erwin only had to button his shirt, pull up his trousers and do up his fly to be fully dressed.

Levi looked at Erwin from the other side of the tent. Erwin started to say something, but Levi shook his head sharply. “Don’t say it was a bad idea. Don’t say you regret it.”

“No. I don’t regret it.”

“But it hasn’t changed anything, has it? You were right.” Levi looked at the floor, frowning. “I – hoped… How it is, though. I understand. I – should go.”

Erwin nodded. He had no idea what to say.

Levi straightened his shoulders and headed for the exit. “All right. Goodnight.”

“Wait, Levi,” Erwin said.

“What?”

“You – could stay.”

“Do you want me to stay?”

Erwin hesitated, not wanting to lie, trying to examine feelings he knew should be there, but which he couldn’t reach. It was like attempting to grasp something with his missing hand. He desired Levi. Sex with Levi had been good – a powerful physical release – something real. Beyond that there should have been something more, and Erwin couldn’t find it. But Levi needed an answer.

“I - don’t want to send you away,” Erwin said.

Levi attempted a smile. “I know. It’s all right. I should go. Next time, maybe I’ll stay.”

“Next time. Yes.”

Levi turned and left Erwin’s tent without looking back. Erwin stood in the darkness, knowing that darkness was all he deserved, wishing that he could see a way to lead Levi out of it.


	10. Acceptance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The king arrives in Hochwald. The Survey Corps sets out again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all your kind comments - I'm very grateful.

The weeks before the royal visit to officially establish Hochwald as the first human settlement beyond the walls passed quickly. Everyone was involved in the rebuilding of the town and preparations for the ceremony, although Levi still spent most of his time at the training ground. Erwin was working closely with Nile, who had moved into one of the renovated houses with his family, and Levi had seen little of him. There had been no repeat of the night they’d slept together – _or, didn’t sleep together_ , Levi thought, taking his evening meal to eat beside the campfire as usual, realising that, as so often recently, Erwin wasn’t there.

_It was just sex. For him, anyway. He was trying so damn hard, asking me to stay, but - there’s nothing there. He can’t feel anything. And there’s nothing I can do to change it._

“Levi!” Hange called, waving at him. She was sitting on the grass near the fire finishing her stew. Levi joined her, hoping to distract himself from thoughts of –

“Erwin gone to Nile’s for dinner again?” Hange asked. “He might as well just move in! I would say it was the lure of Marie’s cooking, but she told me Nile’s doing most of that now because she’s so close to her time and she’s getting tired. Looks as though it’s going to be a big baby! I wonder what Nile’s cooking is like?”

“I don’t know,” Levi replied irritably, not even bothering to make a joke at Nile’s expense.

Hange looked at him. “This is where you say _I hope his cooking is more substantial than his beard_ , or something like that.”

“Yeah… Where’s Moblit?”

“He’s doing illustrations for our book on grasses.”

“What – and you don’t let him eat until he’s finished? Shitty slave-driver.”

“Hey! I took him food! He’ll let it go cold though. When he’s concentrating, he doesn’t think about anything else…” Zoe shook her head. The soft upward curve of her lips when she thought about Moblit made envy twist in Levi’s gut, knowing that Erwin had almost certainly never felt like that about _him_.

“How can you write a whole fucking book about grass?” Levi asked, refusing to dwell on Erwin. “Grass is grass. Hell, even _I_ could draw some grass.” He mimed a jagged line in the air, knowing the effect his words would have, and waited, wanting, for once, to lose himself in one of Hange’s lectures.

“Uh uh. Not biting,” Hange said.

“What?”

“ _This_ is where you want me to say something like _actually there are more than three hundred species of grasses_ – which is true, by the way, and that’s just what we’ve discovered in this tiny part of the world in the last few months –” Tearing herself away from her subject, Hange shook her head. “It’s not hard to get me going, is it? But it’s obvious you and Erwin haven’t worked things out yet, so talk to me, Levi.”

“I don’t know if it can be worked out,” Levi replied. “It’s – not like I thought. We – tried. It was the night we had that meeting about Jean’s letter - when Nile told us about the king’s visit. But it didn’t change anything. Erwin… He says he can’tfeel anything – not for me, not for Mike’s death, or anything else. He says his feelings have just – gone. Like his arm.” Levi put down his stew, hardly touched. “I’ve seen something like it before,” he admitted, reluctant to put into words the thoughts that had been plaguing him since that night. “You know how sometimes soldiers just – They’ve seen too much. They’ve been through too much. They end up in hospitals, or asylums, or go home to their families if they have them. They get discharged from the army and then… There was one boy who never stopped shaking. And that girl who collapsed every time she came close to one of the gates – had to be moved to a village in the middle of Rose, remember?”

“Yes,” said Hange. “She was one of mine. Anya Lund.”

“From the outside, Erwin doesn’t seem the same as they were,” Levi said. “He kept going. He always looked as though nothing could touch him, even when he lost his arm. But – what if he did that by – I don’t know – by shutting off the fear? And what if doing that shut off everything else, too?”

“I’m not sure it was fear, with Erwin,” Hange said gently. “I think it was more likely guilt. I think he blames himself for every one of those soldiers – the ones who were killed, the ones who were damaged… And all the civilian casualties, too, when Eren and Annie destroyed Stohess, and everything that followed. But you’re right. He’s built walls that almost nothing can get through, and now he can’t get out, even if he wants to.”

Levi nodded unhappily. “And I can’t help him. I’m supposed to be humanity’s strongest soldier, and I can’t… How can I break through something that only exists in his head?”

“I don’t know,” Hange sighed. “We can only stick around, and try to get him to talk to us – about anything, I mean, not the deep stuff – and –”

“And wait,” said Levi. “Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

Hange put her hand on Levi’s arm. “A lot of those soldiers got better,” she said. “It just took time. Don’t give up hope.”

“I’ll never give up,” Levi said, weary, but resolute. “Not on Erwin. I’ll never – Wait - is _that_ Erwin?” Levi and Hange got to their feet as a rider approached rapidly from the direction of Hochwald.

“What is it?” Levi asked as Erwin dismounted.

“Marie,” Erwin said, looking at Hange. “Her baby’s coming, but something’s wrong. The doctor the settlers brought with them doesn’t know what to do, and our medic is worried. I know you’re not a doctor, but – if you have any ideas…”

“I’ll take your horse,” Hange said immediately. “Levi, find Moblit. Tell him to bring the bag. He’ll know what you mean. No – actually, get the bag from him, and bring it yourself. You’re our fastest rider. Tell him to follow.”

“I’ll fetch more horses,” Erwin said at once, handing his own horse’s reins to Hange. She leapt into the saddle and headed for Hochwald. Levi ran for Hange’s tent.

Levi caught up with Hange on the road to Hochwald, and, as soon as they arrived outside Nile and Marie’s house, he handed her the battered leather bag Moblit had given him. Nile was waiting in the doorway, his face drawn. “If you can help her –” he said as Hange leapt from her horse. “They won’t let me in the room, but I only want –” All three of them looked upwards at the sound of Marie’s desperate scream of pain coming from one of the open upstairs windows. “Oh god!” Nile cried. Hange seized his hand. “I’ll do what I can. Come with me.”

When Hange and Nile had gone to Marie, Levi dismounted, tethering the two horses to a small tree opposite the house, and waited for Moblit and Erwin to arrive, trying not to think about how cruel it would be if something should happen to Marie or her baby just as the family was about to start their new life outside the walls. Hange wasn’t a doctor, but she’d studied anatomy for years as part of her research into the nature of titans, and she took every opportunity to learn about the workings of human and animal bodies, interrogating the Survey Corps medics, as well as the horse master, whenever they had time to talk to her, and making detailed studies of the creatures she found inside and outside the walls. Levi knew that she’d helped with the birthing of foals in the past. Whether she had any experience of midwifery, however, he had no idea. He wondered what kind of equipment was in the heavy bag Moblit had given him, and decided that he’d rather not know.

Erwin and Moblit arrived together. “What should Levi and I do?” Erwin asked Moblit.

“Stay here, in case Zoe needs anything else fetching from the camp,” Moblit answered. “I don’t think there’s anything else you can do at the moment.” He disappeared into the house. Erwin looked up at the sound of another scream, and Levi remembered that Marie was a woman he had loved – a woman he might have married in a different kind of world. He knew it was a selfish thought, but Levi couldn’t help wondering if Erwin was experiencing any kind of emotion now. He _seemed_ calm, his expression serious and focussed, much as he had always appeared during military missions.

Levi wanted to offer something, but there was nothing useful to be done or said. False reassurances would be no comfort to a man who had always been able to perceive the brutal truth of any situation, and neither of them had any use for prayers. Opposite Nile and Marie’s house there was another similar dwelling, not yet renovated. Levi sat down on the stone doorstep. Erwin led his horse, and Moblit’s, to the tree where Levi and Hange’s were already tied, and tethered them with quick-release hitch knots. Levi watched him, guessing that this was a sign of the anxiety Erwin must surely be feeling. He doubted that a few extra seconds would make any difference to Marie’s situation at this stage – if Hange couldn’t help with the equipment she already had, nothing from the camp was likely to be of use, and Erwin must know that as well as Levi did.

Marie screamed again. Erwin looked back up at the window, his jaw tightening. Levi got to his feet again, and went to stand beside Erwin. “If – there’s anything that can be done, Hange will find a way to do it,” Levi said.

“Yes,” Erwin agreed, his eyes fixed on the window.

Levi couldn’t think of anything else to say.

Marie’s cries turned to whimpers. Occasionally Hange’s low tones could be heard, but it was impossible to make out what she was saying.

“Where are the other children?” Levi asked.

“A neighbour was here to help Marie with them and when – when things started to go wrong, she took them to her house – down by the barbican, I think she said. When it started everything seemed normal. Nile wanted me to stay – have a drink with him when the baby was born. He said the first labour was only three hours, and the last two babies came very quickly, but this time –”

“Hange –”

“Yes?”

“I was going to say she knows what she’s doing – but she won’t have done anything like this before. What I mean is, she’ll work out what needs doing. She’s like you – she can see how things work.”

“If Marie –” Erwin started, then stopped himself. “It would destroy Nile. I’ve never seen a man so much in love.”

Levi hated himself for the immediate contradiction that threatened to escape his lips. He clenched his jaw, frowning, and looked away. This was hardly the time to be thinking about his own situation.

They felt silent again, waiting. There was no sound, now, from the open window, and Levi had no idea whether that was a positive or a negative sign. A speckled bird of a kind Levi had never seen before flew down from the tree to which the horses were tethered, picked up a yellow-shelled snail from Nile’s garden and carried it to the stone doorstep. The bird smashed the shell against the step repeatedly until it cracked, enabling it to eat the snail inside. Levi watched it, faintly repulsed, but making a mental note to tell Hange about it after –

The sound of a baby’s cry filled the still air. Erwin took an involuntary step forward. Then there was silence again, followed a few minutes later by more crying. Levi looked at Erwin, whose eyes were on the window, his expression tense. After what seemed an eternity of waiting, but was probably no more than ten minutes, Moblit put his head out of the window, a wide smile on his face. “Twins! That’s why it was such a difficult birth. But they’re both all right, and Marie’s doing well.”

“Why aren’t they crying?” Levi asked.

“They’re feeding,” Moblit replied in a low voice, looking rather embarrassed, in spite of what he must already have witnessed during the birth.

Levi looked at Erwin. He had relaxed, the anxiety gone from his face, but he appeared relieved rather than elated.

“Good,” Erwin said, mostly to himself. He looked around at Levi. “That’s good.”

Levi nodded. “Tch. Yeah. Looks like every other person on the planet’s gonna end up being descended from Nile Dawk. Good to know it was all worth it.”

Erwin raised an eyebrow, and Levi shook his head, half smiling. For a moment it almost felt as though things were normal between them again.

*

Levi was outside his tent making the most of what would probably be a brief gap in the day’s frequent showers to polish his boots – not particularly in preparation for the king’s arrival the next day, but because he made sure they were clean every night in any case. He was so intent on his task that he didn’t notice he had a visitor until he heard the sound of someone clearing his throat behind him. He stopped polishing, and sat back on his heels. “Erwin,” he said, without looking around.

“Good evening, Levi. I’m just – I’ve been doing the rounds, making sure everything’s in place for tomorrow.”

Levi got to his feet and turned to look at Erwin. “My part is minimal. My troops know what to do. My dress uniform is ready, and I was paying attention in the meeting – I know what to say, and what not to say, to the news reporters.” Noticing Erwin’s damp hair and the dark wet patches on his coat, Levi shook his head. “Nothing I can do about the weather I’m afraid.”

“Ha. No.”

They stood looking at each other.

“Well,” said Levi after too long a pause, “I suppose you have a lot to –”

“No – this was my last stop.”

“Oh. Would you –”

“- I brought some tea,” Erwin interrupted, pulling a small paper packet out of his pocket. “I thought – if you had time –”

Levi looked over his shoulder, through the open tent flap into his immaculately tidy tent, bare but for the neatly made camp bed, a small folding table with an oil lamp on it, two chairs, and the pack he’d brought with him containing his clothes, canteen and blankets, stowed in one corner.

“I don’t know,” Levi said tonelessly. “I’m a bit snowed-under.”

“Oh – yes, of course – I’ll –”

Levi rolled his eyes, exasperated and amused at the same time. At least there were some ways in which Erwin hadn’t changed. “That was supposed to be a joke,” he explained. “The real problem is that I don’t have a kettle. Or a teapot. Or any cups. I’ll go and get some from the mess tent. They’ll have hot water – the cooks are going to be up all night making fancy shit for the king and all the rest of that Sina rabble. Wait here – I’ll only be a minute.”

Erwin went into the tent and sat on one of the two chairs, looking around Levi’s sparsely furnished tent. Levi had never cared much for possessions, although Erwin suspected he had a secret liking for simple luxuries, such as the black tea Erwin had brought from the palace. He knew some of what had happened to Levi before he had joined the Survey Corps, but there was a lot Levi had never told him, and he guessed that most of his childhood had been spent in desperate poverty. There were so many ways in which Levi deserved better…

“Hot water, teapot, cups and spoons,” Levi said as he entered the tent. The teapot was hanging from his index finger by its handle so that he could carry the two cups stacked inside each other in his hand. In his other hand was a kettle full of hot water. He set them carefully on the table, then extracted the lid of the teapot and three spoons from the front pocket of his jacket. Taking the free chair, he took a small twist of brown paper out of his pocket, and handed it to Erwin. “They even let me have some sugar. They’re baking some big-ass cake thing for the king. Apparently it’s going to be in the shape of Hochwald.”

Erwin smiled. “I hope the king appreciates the effort.”

“Yeah,” Levi agreed, taking the packet of tea from Erwin, and adding a teaspoon full of the black leaves to the teapot, before adding hot water from the kettle. “The amount of sugar they’re using for the icing would have been a month’s ration for the entire Corps, during the war. If we get tired of exploring, we can always take up dentistry.”

“True! Nile said that the farmers are scrambling to cater for the luxury markets now – beef production, sugar beet, wine… And the factories are starting to produce new goods, too, now they don’t need to make so much military equipment. Apparently there’s already a new kind of steel ploughshare that could revolutionise farming.”

“A steel ploughshare? But no steel for blades? Tch. I hope Nile sticks to his word about getting us some more blades from the MPs,” Levi said, frowning. “When we move out – We are moving out, aren’t we? Once the king’s gone back to Sina?”

“Yes. We’ll continue east for the present, until we reach the mountains. Then I thought about striking north. According to the few maps I’ve found of this area, we might reach the sea if we do that. I – would like –”

Levi poured the brewed tea into the two cups, and waited for Erwin to continue. When he remained silent Levi looked up at him. “You’d like to reach the sea?”

Erwin looked embarrassed. “I –”

“What’s wrong with you?” Levi asked, setting down his teacup. “You _don’t_ want to reach the sea?”

“I do. Of course. You know, Nile was telling me that he had a letter from the Sina Gazette asking whether the twins had names yet, and suggesting Hope and Freedom!”

Levi thought about what Hange had said about Erwin’s sense of guilt, and decided not to question the change of subject. “Hope he told them where to stick that suggestion!”

“I don’t think he even replied. They’ve decided on Zoe, after Hange, and Helena, for Marie’s sister. The doctor said he couldn’t have saved them – did I tell you that?”

Levi shook his head.

“Yes – the first twin was facing the wrong way. Zoe managed to turn it. The doctor said it was as if she could see what was happening inside.”

“Yeah – like I said, she understands how things work,” Levi said. “She’s – not bad, at all that stuff.”

“Not bad at all,” Erwin agreed.

They both picked up their teacups and drank at the same time.

“I thought, if they had a boy, they might call it Erwin,” Levi resumed, after a short silence.

“Good job they were both girls, in that case,” Erwin smiled. “I’m glad they called Micah after Mike though. He deserves a memorial.”

Levi looked up at Erwin quickly, wondering what, if anything, he was feeling.

“Yeah. He does. He wouldn’t have wanted a fuss though. I think he’d like the idea that Nile named his son in his memory.”

Erwin nodded, and silence fell between them again. When Erwin’s cup was empty, Levi refilled it, and topped up his own, which was still half full.

“Tomorrow’s gonna be a whole lot of ceremonial bullshit,” Levi said at last, “but, still, it’s something, isn’t it, that Hochwald is a town again – that people are living outside the walls? It’s good. You –” He stopped talking. Erwin looked at him. Levi looked down into his teacup. “I wish you could be proud, that’s all.”

“I am proud!” Erwin exclaimed earnestly. “I’m proud of the whole Survey Corps. And the Garrison. And the Military Police – all those who followed Nile at the end. So many people! You, most of all, Levi. Do you doubt that?”

“I wish you could be proud of _yourself_ ,” Levi said, and it was Erwin’s turn to look away.

They finished the tea in silence, and Erwin got to his feet. “I’d better get going. As you said, there’s a whole lot of ceremonial bullshit to get through tomorrow.”

“Yeah. I remember how the king can talk! At the victory banquet –”

Erwin looked down at him, his expression so raw that Levi found himself suddenly unable to catch his breath. Hange, as usual, had been right; the one emotion Erwin could apparently still feel was guilt.

“I didn’t mean –” Levi began.

“I’m sorry,” Erwin said. “Please believe that I thought I was doing what was right.”

“I wasn’t talking about _that_. Fuck, I’m stupid! But I – For a minute, I forgot -”

“If I could give you what you want, I would,” Erwin said.

“I know,” Levi said. “It’s all right.”

“No, it’s not. You deserve –”

Levi jumped to his feet, grabbed the front of Erwin’s jacket, and pulled him into a hard, swift kiss before he could finish the sentence. Then he let go, and gestured to the entrance of the tent with a little jerk of his head. “Go on. You’ve got a hell of a lot of sucking up to royalty to do tomorrow. I’ll be as far from the main event as I can get away with, watching you suffer, and enjoying every second of it.”

“Thank you Levi,” Erwin said, more grateful than his dry tone suggested.

Levi watched him leave, and then turned to clear away the tea things, thinking of Hange, and how she always seemed to know what to do, and how she had told him that the only option was to wait.

*

Although the ground was still sodden after the night’s heavy rainfall, the king’s arrival was greeted with fanfares, cheers, and a sudden break in the clouds that allowed the sun to stream through, which every one of the news reporters and official artists later proclaimed to be a symbol of humanity’s new start. From his vantage point among the guards on the sloping hillside opposite the bridge, Levi had an excellent view of the whole ceremony. The king sat on a dais erected in front of Hochwald’s barbican – the settlers made speeches, Nile and Marie presented their twin girls to the crowd which went wild over the first humans to be born free of the walls in a hundred years, the king cut a ribbon and made a mercifully short and well-crafted speech which had already been distributed to the press for swift publication, and the portcullis Levi had mended was officially raised for the first time.

After the sun had set on a whole day of feasting, dancing and drinking, the new citizens of Hochwald, the king, and the members of the court who had accompanied him, retired to their houses and lodgings inside the town walls, while the servants, the members of the press, the Military Police guard not stationed with the king, and the Survey Corps went back to camp, where celebrations continued in a rather less elevated, but equally enthusiastic fashion. Levi checked the perimeter guard for the last time, and made his way to the stables, stopping to say goodnight to a tipsy Hange, and a relatively sober Moblit, en route.

“How’s Erwin?” Hange asked, grinning.

“Still with the king, I think,” Levi told her. “He was invited back to the royal lodgings – probably for more cake.”

“He’ll come round eventually,” Hange said, flinging one arm around Levi’s shoulders and squeezing hard enough to bruise. “I’m sure of it!”

Levi prised her fingers off his shoulder, and managed a smile. “Don’t get too drunk,” he said. “We’re aiming to leave the day after tomorrow – as soon as the king’s headed back to the walls.”

“Can’t wait!” Hange exclaimed, transferring her embraces to Moblit who winced slightly under her grip, but who kissed her enthusiastically nonetheless.

“Goodnight,” Levi called as he walked towards the stables, but Hange was too occupied to answer him.

By the campfire, Armin was chatting eagerly to a group of the younger soldiers, including, Levi noticed with a wry half smile, Heike Merkel. The young captain looked relieved that the day had gone without a hitch. Levi considered going over to join them, but decided against it. The next day would be busy with preparations for the journey east, and Levi wanted to see Pepper, who had been brought from the Survey Corps headquarters at his request, before he went to bed.

The mare snorted softly at his approach. Levi took an apple he’d saved from the feast from his pocket, and held it flat on his palm for her to take. Pepper shook her ears, and munched the apple - as delicately as a horse could manage, Levi supposed. “Good girl,” he murmured, stroking her nose.

She pushed her head against his hand in what he chose to interpret as a gesture of affection. “Yeah, I missed you, too,” Levi said. “Or are you just after another apple?”

The look Pepper gave him at that was so human in its affronted air that Levi couldn’t help smiling.

*

Five days out from Hochwald in almost constant drizzle had done nothing to dampen Hange’s spirits, anyway, Levi thought, watching her riding ahead of him with Moblit. She was holding a pinecone, which looked like a perfectly ordinary pinecone to Levi, but which was apparently proof of something to do with the way trees adapted to altitude, to judge from the fragments of her excited conversation that reached his ears. The rest of the convoy rode in comparative quiet, which was a relief, to Levi at least, after the bother and bustle of the king’s visit.

“That last village could provide the basis of a settlement, in the future,” Erwin said, riding at Levi’s right side. “It was well situated. I wonder why it was so small?”

“Armin probably has a theory,” Levi replied, turning slightly in his saddle to look at Erwin. “Not enough pasture land – wrong sort of rock – something like that. He’s like Hange – and like you. He looks at things, and sees… I don’t know – _connections_ or some shit like that. I’ve never been able to do that. I – ERWIN!”

Erwin barely had time to turn before a huge hand closed around his entire body and plucked him from his horse, the titan surging to its feet from its hiding place among dense trees at the side of the trail, lifting Erwin towards its gaping mouth. Erwin’s arm was pinned to his side, and he knew his manoeuvre gear was crushed beyond use. He gazed up at the titan’s impassive face, and wondered whether he was only imagining its resemblance to his father –

The titan gave a roar of pain as two of Levi’s blades, thrown with unerring precision, stabbed into its eyes. Then Levi was between Erwin and the creature’s head, shouting in frustration as his blades failed to slice easily through the muscles of the titan’s upper arm. Hange, as always, had been right; this titan was an aberrant, at least partially intelligent, and, when it felt Levi’s attack, it transferred Erwin to its other hand in an instant, raising him towards its mouth again. Erwin had a glimpse back along the track – Hange shouting something, riding towards the titan, Moblit beside her, blades drawn, beyond them Armin, some of the young recruits, their faces horrified and yet beautiful with courage and determination. They would all be too late.

Levi cursed as the blade in his left hand snapped in two. He was hacking at the titan’s forearm, close enough to Erwin to see that he was still alive – but something was still wrong – for a moment Levi wondered whether this titan had some form of the hardening ability, but no, it was the blades that were at fault – the new blades Nile had managed to cadge from the Military Police who had accompanied the king. Levi released the broken blade, fitted another, continued hacking at the titan’s arm – but the new blade also shattered. “Fuck!” Levi swore, releasing the useless blades and fitting the iron ones used for training – “I don’t believe – Erwin – hold on –”

“Let me go, Levi,” Erwin gasped. “Get clear.”

“No!” Levi cried, as the titan raised its arm to its head, its eyes already regenerating. Levi shot an anchor into the titan’s left eye, retracted the wire to pull himself into the air, then released the anchor, spinning down towards the titan’s wrist, both blades a blur. Despite the dullness of the training blades, the sheer force of Levi’s attack was enough to sever the titan’s wrist. The gigantic hand, still gripping Erwin, fell to the ground. Levi landed on the remains of the titan’s forearm, looking down into Erwin’s eyes, checking that he was still breathing – then he turned, intending to fire his anchor into the titan’s shoulder, preparing to attack its neck -

Through the heat and steam of the titan’s disintegrating hand, Erwin saw the titan’s head lunging towards –

“Levi!” he tried to shout – but the titan’s grip had shattered his ribs, and all that came out was a feeble, broken cry, as the titan raised the stump of its forearm, opened its jaw impossibly wide, and bit down – the end of its own arm, and Levi with it, vanishing inside its mouth, as it clamped its teeth together in a hideous grin.


	11. The Sea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A huge thank you to everyone who has read, kudosed and commented on this story. You have encouraged me so much, and been very patient. Sorry for the long delay over the summer. Finally, we reach the end. 
> 
> The-lone-sky on Tumblr created this beautiful art based on this story:  
> http://the-lone-sky.tumblr.com/post/92100422118/i-read-too-much-of-coup-de-grace-by-cherry  
>  \- Thank you; it’s wonderful.

Erwin was aware of frenzied movement around him – heard Hange yelling something – registered Armin swooping over him at a crazy trajectory almost parallel to the ground, his line anchored to the titan’s left knee, both blades drawn. Erwin’s eyes were fixed on the titan’s huge, emotionless face. Its jaws were closed in a tight death’s-head grimace.

Levi was gone.

Erwin tried to sit up, and fell backwards, a searing pain in his chest, his arm giving way where he’d attempted to brace it against the ground. He drew in a breath – coughed blood – wondered dully whether it was worth trying to take another. It would only be a relief, now, to reach the long-anticipated end. But his body kept dragging air into his lungs, in spite of the pain, in spite of his wishes.

All Erwin felt was a kind of bland acceptance. He’d always known there would be a reckoning eventually, but for Levi to pay the price of Erwin’s crimes, surely that ought to be unbearable? And yet he still felt nothing. He stared into the empty eyes of the titan and felt as hollow and soulless as that once-human shell - a blank.

Then the titan was toppling – falling towards him, slowly. Hange, Moblit, Armin – one of them must have –

But Hange and Moblit were lifting him, dragging him out of the shadow of the collapsing titan. Erwin caught sight of Armin, releasing his anchor from the titan’s left shoulder, jumping clear –

The titan’s carcass crashed down over the spot where Erwin had been lying. Twigs and branches snapped and splintered as the huge body settled onto the shrubby ground and started to steam.

“Tch. Disgusting.”

Erwin raised his head. That sounded like –

“ _Levi_?”

Levi leapt down from the bloody butchery he’d made of the titan’s neck, a broken blade in one hand, a knife in the other, both smoking with gore. He was drenched in blood – bathed in it - but already the clotted mess that clung to his clothes and his hair was evaporating, the blood becoming vapour. Levi wiped the back of his hand across his eyes, clearing away steaming gouts of titan flesh before they could burn him. Frowning, he knelt at Erwin’s side. “How bad is it?”

Erwin’s throat tightened strangely. “I thought –”

“We need to get you patched up. Hange –”

Heike Merkel appeared with a medical kit, and Moblit took out dressings and bandages. Hange leaned over Erwin and pressed her fingers lightly against his ribs, checking the damage. He grimaced, but his eyes never left Levi’s.

“Levi – I thought –”

“Don’t talk,” Levi said. “Looks like you’ve broken a few ribs. Keep your breathing steady – don’t –”

Erwin reached out, careless of the pain in his crushed arm, and wiped blood from Levi’s cheek with his thumb, looking up into his anxious grey eyes. “I thought you were dead.” Erwin’s eyes were suddenly wet. He caught the back of Levi’s head in a strong grip and pulled him down against his shoulder, his face buried in Levi’s hair, scalding tears spilling over his cheeks. “God, Levi – I thought you were _dead_!”

“Erwin –”

But then Erwin was coughing, his body racked with convulsions, and the blood that soaked them both was human, and wouldn’t evaporate.

*

Flickering candlelight and an odd rasping sound woke Erwin. It took him a moment to realise that the harsh noise was his own laboured breathing. He blinked slowly, trying to remember –

“Levi!”

“I’m here.” Erwin turned his head, and found that Levi was sitting on a folding chair beside his bed. Relief flooded him, the power of the emotion startling.

“How’re you feeling?” Levi asked.

Erwin hesitated. More than the physical pain, he was feeling overwhelmed. But Levi wasn’t talking about that – and Erwin was cautious, not wanting to say things he couldn’t take back in case his rediscovered emotions vanished again. He attempted a smile. “I feel - mangled.”

Levi nodded. “Yeah – well you _are_. Three broken ribs, bruises and swelling all over your arm… Hange thinks that’s not broken, at least. It’s lucky your lung wasn’t actually punctured.”

“Yes.” Erwin’s smile widened, in spite of his resolve to be careful, as he gazed at Levi – Levi alive and whole. Levi stared at him. “What’s there to smile about? You’ll be off your feet for days, if not weeks. You’re not so young anymo –”

“Look at you! There’s hardly a scratch on you!” Erwin interrupted. “How the hell did you do it, Levi?”

“I was lucky. A smaller titan, and I’d be dead. When I knew it was too late to get out, I figured the only way was to go _in_ , so I fired an anchor into the back of its throat and got up enough momentum to spin. That gave me enough force to cut half way through its neck, with that shitty iron training blade. Then it was just hacking – with the remains of the blade, and my knife. I aimed down and back – didn’t want to hit the skull. Those fucking useless MP blades! Nile’s got some explaining to do.”

“Nile’s not to blame,” Erwin said. “Must have been faulty steel – from the walls. We should tell Nile, actually. If a titan attacks Hochwald –”

“Armin’s already sent a team with a message for Nile explaining the whole situation,” Levi replied. “You’ve been out of things for two days now. Huh – you should’ve seen Armin’s face when I came crawling out of that titan’s neck! If I’d been a few seconds later he’d’ve decapitated me. He was in midair, aiming for the nape. That was a quick evasion. Never thought, when he was a bratty recruit, that he’d end up so good with the gear.”

“He makes a fine captain.”

“Yeah, he does.”

Erwin made a decision - reached for Levi’s hand. Levi let him take it. “Levi… when I thought you were dead -” Erwin began, but Levi cut him off. “I know. You don’t have to… You’re not supposed to talk too much. Your lungs are bruised – that’s how Hange described it. Well, she said _pulmonary contusion_ – but – same thing. Left side’s worse than the right because your arm damaged your ribs. If you’d still had both arms, you might not be here.”

Erwin smiled. “Ironic.”

“Yeah.” Levi’s eyes widened in alarm as Erwin attempted to sit up. “No – you stay still. You have to recover.” He looked away, and added in a low tone, “You _have_ to recover. I couldn’t –” Levi cleared his throat and scowled at Erwin – “It’d be fucking selfish to die of some stupid infection, after everything everyone’s done, just because you’re too impatient to follow simple instructions.”

Erwin nodded, and lay back on the pillows. “Understood.”

“Right.” Levi got to his feet. “I’ll get you some water, and then you need to sleep some more – let yourself heal. Everything’s under control here – we’ve made camp – Armin’s set up patrols – we’ve seen no evidence of other titans. You can relax for a while.” He waited. Erwin looked up at him. “You can let go of my hand, now,” Levi said.

Erwin found that he couldn’t be sensibly cautious after all. Instead of letting go, he drew Levi’s hand to his lips and kissed it fervently, his eyes closing, his expression almost pained. Levi’s face softened, but he said nothing. Erwin released his hand and opened his eyes. For a long moment they only stayed still, looking at each other.

“I’ll – get that water,” Levi said at last. He turned to leave the tent.

Erwin settled back on the pillows. “Levi?” he called, softly.

Levi looked back at him.

“Thank you,” Erwin said.

*

No one said anything too loudly about the fact that Captain Levi was now sharing the commander’s tent, but speculation was rife among the younger recruits.

“I’ll have a refill,” Heike said, holding out her pewter mug in Otto’s direction. “That was a boring patrol!”

Otto lifted the heavy iron kettle from its tripod over the fire, and poured hot water into the teapot at his feet. “Give it a minute to brew,” he said, taking off his steamed-up glasses and wiping them on his shirt. Jonas pushed back his blond hair, and looked up at the stars. “At least it’s warm this evening. I’m not on ’til midnight. Wonder when we’ll move on?”

“I don’t know. Captain Arlert was saying he’s not sure whether we’ll all stay here until the commander’s healed up, or if some of us will go on ahead,” Heike said. Jonas rested his arms on his knees and looked away. “When were you talking to Captain Arlert?”

“This afternoon,” Heike said, stretching casually. “Why?”

“No reason.”

“Right, Jonas,” Otto said, grinning. “So you’re fine with the fact that Heike has a crush on the Captain. Not like you’re _jealous_ , or anything.”

“Don’t know what you’re on about,” Jonas muttered, turning scarlet.

“Captain Arlert said that if we could be sure there were no more titans, we’d definitely be splitting into two groups,” Heike continued as if she hadn’t heard the exchange between the two boys. “But as it is, he thinks we’ll stay here until the commander’s well enough to travel on.”

“We’d be fine though,” Jonas pointed out, “– if Captain Levi came with us. What he did to that titan! Did you see?”

“I saw,” Heike said. “It was awesome. Everyone thought he was dead – Captain Levi, I mean, - and then Armin – uh, Captain Arlert – was about to slash the titan’s nape, and there was this – like a fountain of blood – and Captain Levi just _appeared_ from inside the titan’s neck!”

“Whoa!” Otto exclaimed. “Wish I’d been there. I was too far forward – by the time I got back to the action it was all over.”

“Yeah,” Jonas said, “– but the point is, Captain Levi _won’t_ come with us, will he? He’ll stay with the commander. You know… What everyone’s saying?”

“What – you think that’s _true_?” Otto asked.

“Well, given that the captain is basically living in the commander’s tent…”

“That’s because Commander Erwin’s arm was damaged by the titan,” Otto said. “Someone has to look after him until it heals.”

“Yeah – but anyone could do that! One of the medics would do. But I heard that Levi won’t let anyone else near.”

“Well, _that’s_ not true, anyway,” Heike put in quickly. “I saw Captain Hange coming out of the commander’s tent yesterday.”

“Oh – people can _visit_. But no one else is allowed to look after him - changing his dressings, giving him his meals – that kind of thing,” Jonas said.

“What about washing him?” Otto asked, wide eyed. “What about wiping his –”

“Ugh - Otto, you’re disgusting!” Heike exclaimed with mock horror. “His arm isn’t even broken. I’m sure he can manage that much for himself!”

“Hey, Heike - imagine if you were in that state,” Otto persisted, with a sly glance at Jonas, “and someone had to do that for you. Let’s say you and Captain Arlert were on a mission together and you were injured, and he had to feed you, and wash you, and –”

It was Heike’s turn to blush.

“Shut the fuck up, Otto,” Jonas growled.

“Yeah,” said Otto, laughing into his tea. “ _So_ not jealous!”

“Anyway,” Heike said, eager to change the subject, “I don’t care whether the rumours about the captain and the commander are true or not. It’s their business.”

“But isn’t it a bit –” Otto began.

“- It’s _their_ business,” Heike said firmly, silencing him. “After all they’ve done – if that’s what they want, don’t you think they deserve it?”

Jonas only nodded thoughtfully. Otto shrugged. “I guess…”

“Well, then,” Heike said. “So stop going on about it, and pour the tea.”

*

“Another week,” Levi said. “Then we’ll talk about it.”

“But Levi – surely the troops must be getting restless stuck here with nothing to do? If I travelled in one of the carts –”

“Are you insane? You’re just starting to breath normally again. Getting thrown around in the back of a cart could fuck up all the progress you’ve made.”

“He’s right,” Hange put in, peering at Erwin over Levi’s shoulder. “You’re not going anywhere for at least another week. I’d say two, to be safe. What’s the rush? The whole world’s out there – it’s not as though we have a set schedule. Besides, Moblit and I have been making a detailed study of the pine trees in this area, and I’ve got some fascinating theories about the way plants adapt to higher altitudes. I could tell you if you like. Moblit’s made hundreds of drawings. Shall I go and get them?”

Erwin registered Levi’s deepening scowl and had to restrain a chuckle. “Not now, thank you Zoe. But I would like to hear your theories – when I’m feeling a bit stronger. Have we had any reports – from the other expeditions?”

“Yes,” Levi said. “The southern expedition found a city the size of Trost, so that’s going to be the next official settlement. The western expedition found the same village I went through, and beyond that mainly marshy terrain, and in the north they’ve been slowed down by snow – they might have to find somewhere to overwinter, and pick up in the spring. But, like Zoe says, there’s no rush, is there?”

“I suppose not,” Erwin agreed. “It seems strange. Everything was so urgent, before…”

“It’s still urgent!” Hange exclaimed, her good eye shining behind her glasses. “It’s just a different kind of urgency, that’s all. There’s so much to discover! Sometimes I just – I stand on a new patch of ground – somewhere no one’s been for more than a hundred years – and I look around, and just in that tiny bit of the world that I can see, I know there’s probably enough plant and animal life to keep Moblit and me busy with research for the rest of our lives. And I know Armin wants to see all the things he read about when he was a boy. Did you know that when he was a child he read a forbidden book belonging to his grandfather? He was telling me the other day – all about the sea, and rivers of fire, hills made of nothing but sand, and fields of ice…”

“You really think all those things exist?” Erwin asked.

“Who knows? That’s what’s so exciting! Don’t you two feel it?” Hange looked from Erwin to Levi, tense with the force of her emotions. “Ah – it’s almost too much! Sometimes I think I could just explode!”

“Try not to,” Levi said blandly. “Someone would have to clean up the mess.”

“Moblit, most likely,” Erwin added, smiling.

“Oh, you two are impossible! What’s wrong with you?”

“I think I’ve had enough excitement for the time being,” Erwin said, looking at Levi. “But I do know what you mean, Zoe. I’d like to reach the sea.”

“You _will_ ,” Levi said firmly. “When you’re fit enough to travel again. But we can make a start on that today.” He glanced across at Hange, who nodded.

“Yes, Commander,” she said. “We’ve decided you’ve done enough lying around. It’s not good for you, and apart from a bit of bruising there’s nothing wrong with your legs.”

“That’s what I’ve been saying ever since I woke up,” Erwin protested.

“Yeah,” said Levi, “but your lungs weren’t working well enough. Now they are. How’s your arm?”

Erwin examined the pattern of purple and yellow bruises that covered his arm from shoulder to wrist. “Not bad. I don’t think there’s much swelling any more.”

“Tch,” Levi said, almost smiling. “Kind of hard to tell without the other one to compare it to. But it does look better than it did. Ready?”

Erwin nodded.

“Right,” Hange said taking a step towards the bed. “Sit up slowly, and bring your legs around so you’re sitting on the edge of the bed, but don’t try to stand. You’ll probably feel dizzy at first.”

Erwin pushed the blankets aside, and sat up carefully. He swung his legs over the side of the low camp bed, and sat up, back straight, head upright. Naked apart from a pair of loose trousers, Erwin looked as powerful as ever, despite the mottled bruising covering his arm and chest.

“Dizzy?” Hange asked.

“Not too bad.”

“Good. Remember to keep breathing, even when it hurts. Extra deep breaths when you can, like I told you at the start. From what I’ve observed of injured soldiers in the past, that can help to prevent infection taking hold in the lungs. Levi –”

“Yeah.” Levi moved to Erwin’s side, but didn’t touch him. “If you feel like you’re about to black out, for fuck’s sake don’t try to be brave about it,” he said, looking down at Erwin, frowning. “If you faint, you’ll most likely damage something, and we’ll be back to square one.”

“Yes, Sir,” Erwin said, still smiling. For the first time in days he felt energy surging through his body. He drew in a deep breath, doing his best to ignore the burning pain in the ribs on his left side.

“Huh. _She’s_ the one giving the orders here,” Levi pointed out, looking at Hange.

“That’s right,” Hange agreed. “So make sure you follow them. All right then, try to stand.”

Slowly, Erwin got to his feet. He blinked, momentarily dizzy, but the feeling soon passed.

“All right?” Levi’s expression was neutral, but Erwin could hear the concern in his voice.

“Yes.”

“Great!” Hange exclaimed. “In that case, you can try to walk. Just to the other side of the tent for now.”

Erwin crossed the tent with an easy stride that made it seem as though there was nothing wrong with him at all, but when he turned to face them, Levi and Hange could see the sheen of sweat on his forehead, and the way his chest was heaving.

“Breath deeply,” Hange instructed. “Keep it slow and steady. That was good, but when you come back to the bed – only when you feel ready – take it easier. Slower steps, all right?”

Erwin nodded, too breathless to speak. After a few seconds though, he took a step back towards the bed.

“Wait, Erwin.” Levi’s voice was calm, but it stopped Erwin in his tracks. He remained still, taking deep breaths, until Levi asked, “Ready?”

“Yes.”

“Good.”

Erwin completed the short journey back to the bed, and sat down, wiping perspiration from his brow with the back of his hand. Only the abruptness of the movement and the tension in his arm as he made it betrayed his frustration.

“That’s good!” Hange cried. “You’ll be fighting fit in no time.”

“Let’s hope there’s not too much more fighting,” Levi said. “I’m about sick of it.”

Erwin looked up, surprised at Levi’s tone. “If we’re lucky there won’t be any more,” he said. “I should have anticipated a titan hiding like that – we knew that the surviving ones were unusually intelligent aberrants. I’ve been thinking about better ways of scouting the terrain ahead of us. And Armin was telling me that the reports he’s been reading about some of the technologies suppressed by the central military police sound promising: much more powerful telescopes than we’ve ever had access to before, and a kind of hand-thrown grenade that would at least disable a titan to make it easier to finish off.”

“I was complacent,” Levi said, frowning. “I should have been expecting an attack like that after the reports from the southern expedition.”

Erwin shook his head. “If the new blades hadn’t been defective you’d have killed it without any difficulty. No one can predict every circumstance.” He gave an oddly fragile smile. “Of course, we’d be in a much better position to detect them if we still had Mike -” Erwin turned his head away suddenly.

“We’ll need a schedule to stick to,” Levi said to Hange, as though nothing had happened. “If you write out how much exercise he should do – how many times a day…”

Hange glanced at Erwin and nodded sharply. “I’ll get on that now.”

Levi gave her a grateful look. When she’d gone, he sat on the bed next to Erwin and waited.

“He – he must have died alone,” Erwin said at last. “The rest of his squad died, too, but they were all accounted for elsewhere.”

“He would’ve died fighting,” Levi replied. “For as long as he could.”

“I hope it was quick. He was one of the bravest men I ever knew, but – alone with _them_ –”

There was no need to reply to that – no place for false comfort. Levi pushed away the memory of a terrifying, stifling moment inside the titan’s neck, hacking at hot, cloying flesh with a broken blade and a short knife, when he’d thought he was going to run out of air before he reached the outside. Whatever Mike’s end had been, it would have been terrible.

Erwin wiped his eyes with his fingers. “I miss him.”

“Yeah.”

There was a long silence. Neither of them felt the need to fill it. Eventually, Erwin took a deep, shuddering breath and said, “Levi - when I thought _you_ were dead –”

“Erwin –”

“No, let me say it. There are things I should have said before. The way I treated you –”

“It doesn’t matter. It’s over.”

“It does matter. At least let me explain.” Taking Levi’s silence as acquiescence, Erwin continued: “After the victory dinner, when I told you to go –”

“You don’t have to,” Levi interrupted, the memory of that night still painful. “I know you thought it was necessary –”

“But I was so wrong, Levi. I felt nothing. I thought I would never feel anything again, so I convinced myself you’d be better off free of me. Then, I thought, you’d be able to live your own life, without being tied to someone who could never – who wasn’t _able_ to return your feelings. And even when you disappeared inside that titan, I still felt nothing. Or, if I’m honest, there was a – a kind of relief.”

Levi looked at him, startled. “Relief?”

“Yes. I – thought – I’ve always known that I would have to pay one day, for everything I’ve done – all the people I’ve fed to the titans. I thought I’d pay for it with my own death, but I kept on surviving, and then, when I believed that you were dead, there was a moment when I thought – “oh, of course, _that_ was the price”. Losing you – that was the one thing I’d come to fear more than anything else. But I knew I couldn’t afford to feel like that, because our victory might have depended on sacrificing even you. So I – I don’t know – I suppose I tried to stop feeling at all. But to make you take on my guilt - to pay the price of _my_ sins –”

“I have enough sins of my own,” Levi interrupted. “You didn’t have to –”

“I know. I’m trying to explain how I was thinking _then_. When I thought you were dead, I thought that my punishment was to be being forced to live on without you, and that was what I deserved, but not – never what _you_ deserved. If anyone deserved to live, it was you – you weren’t some kind of object lesson! So everything I’d been thinking… broke down. There was no logic to it… And then – you were _alive_ –”

“Yeah. I was alive. And then you nearly went and died on me… But Erwin – all those things you told yourself, about who deserves what, and your guilt, and how you could save me from – from being _implicated_ in it by sending me away – it’s all bullshit. You do know that, don’t you? I was never in anything I needed to be saved from. You brought me into the Survey Corps, yeah, but you also gave me the choice to leave, right at the start. I didn’t follow you blindly – I listened to you, and I believed in what you were doing. All along I made my own choices, and I don’t regret any of them – not for a minute. You tried to send me away, but - fuck it - I came back, didn’t I? I wanted to be _here_ , with _you_. That’s all. That’s all I ever wanted.”

Erwin exhaled hard, as though Levi had punched him in the stomach. “Ha! You’re right. Of course you’re right. I was wrong – about all of it. About myself. About what was right for you. And about who needed saving, most of all. So – can you forgive -”

“Don’t you ever shut the fuck up?” Levi leaned across to take Erwin’s face in his hands, and forgave him in a kiss that was more eloquent than any words.

*

After ten days of almost continuous heavy rain, during which the troops spent most of their time huddled in their tents when not out on patrol or training, everyone was relieved when a weak sun finally broke through the clouds. Erwin’s ribs still hurt when he coughed or took a sharp breath, but Hange told him that they were healing as well as could be expected. “Better than expected, actually,” she said, putting down a thick folder full of notes and drawings on the end of his neatly made bed. Moblit stood at the entrance, holding another bulging folder and several sketchbooks. Hange smiled radiantly at Levi, who eyed the notes she was carrying suspiciously, anticipating yet another lecture on the flora and fauna of the local area. Hange finished inspecting Erwin’s ribs, where the bruises had nearly all faded to a greenish yellow. She looked up at him. “I’d say your good progress is down to a combination of your own strength and fitness, and excellent nursing care.”

“Or maybe you’re not _such_ an old man, after all,” Levi said, exchanging places with Hange to fasten Erwin’s shirt buttons, giving him one of his rare almost-smiles.

Erwin laughed, only wincing a little at the needling pain in his ribs caused by the action. “I’m beginning to think I might pull through,” he said, then hesitated, so caught by the look in Levi’s eyes that he had to remind himself that they weren’t alone. He made himself glance over at Hange. “So – when can I ride again?”

“Give it three or four days,” Hange decided. “Then you can ride around the camp. If that doesn’t give you too much trouble, we should be able to set out in a week or so. Now, are you busy? I have so much new information to share!”

Levi sighed, but made no attempt to come up with an excuse to leave the tent. Much as it would gall him to admit it, some of Zoe’s talks were actually pretty interesting these days. “This’d better not be another hour of listening to you raving on about disgusting bugs that live in shit,” he warned ominously. Hange only laughed. “Oh no - this is much more exciting! Moblit’s discovered a new species of blood-sucking tick! He caught it in the woods, actually, collecting pinecones for our research. Or perhaps it would be more accurate to say _it_ caught _him_. I won’t embarrass him by telling you exactly _where_ it was attached, but we managed to get it off with tweezers, and I was so impressed with how stoical he was even when I literally had him by the – uh – well, you can imagine – that I asked him to marry me, and he said yes!”

There was a moment of stunned silence. Levi raised an eyebrow. “Well, what else was he going to say, in that position?”

“I did wonder about that,” Hange said. “But I asked him again later, just to be sure, and he doesn’t seem to have changed his mind.”

Erwin and Levi looked from Hange to Moblit and back again. Both of them were affecting nonchalance, trying hard not to look ridiculously smug.

“Congratulations!” Erwin exclaimed, warmly.

“Yeah,” Levi agreed – “Congratulations, Zoe. And Moblit, too - but – you do know you’ll never have a second’s peace?”

“I’m used to that,” Moblit replied, smiling.

“She doesn’t do cleaning,” Levi added.

“Luckily, I do,” Moblit said.

“She’s never going to stop putting herself in danger in the name of science,” Levi told him. “You’ll drink yourself into an early grave, worrying about her.”

“I know.” Moblit’s smile only widened as he caught Zoe’s eye. “It’ll be worth it.”

“Huh. Looks like you two deserve each other then,” Levi decided.

“And now that’s all settled, sit down, and let me tell you all about the fascinating life cycle of the Berner Tick,” Hange said, opening her file.

*

Pepper snorted softly in anticipation as Levi turned her out of the camp, heading for the open, level grasslands that stretched before them. The landscape was brightly lit under the afternoon sunlight, its flat, featureless expanse offering no hiding places to titans, aberrant or otherwise. Erwin drew along side, his taller mount restive after weeks of little exercise. “It’s good to get out of camp, finally.”

“Yeah, but take it easy. If you come off –”

“Levi, when have I ever come off a horse? I feel so much better – almost back to how I was before the titan.”

It was an understatement, Levi thought. For all his long weeks of recovery, and a slight pallor due to too much time under canvass, Erwin was looking better than he had done for years. He was still his disciplined, serious self, of course, but every so often something would light in his eyes that made him seem suddenly younger. Now there was a restless energy in him that Levi felt running in his own veins, too. They looked at each other.

“Hange would kill me,” Erwin said quietly.

“She’d have to catch you first,” Levi answered, feeling something inside him ignite.

Without another word they sped out onto the plain, the horses’ hooves kicking up clods of earth behind them. Next to flying, there was nothing like the feeling of riding hard and fast. Levi couldn’t remember the last time he’d ridden like this – as though a horde of titans was in pursuit. In the past it had always been a desperate race for survival, but now their hectic gallop was for nothing but the joy of speed and the breathtaking excitement of being alive with the whole world waiting for them.

Erwin felt the pulse of the hoof-beats through his entire body as the ground flew away beneath him. He didn’t need to look across at Levi to feel his presence and to take pleasure in the rightness of that feeling. The sky above and ahead of them was spectacular – a hazy blue streaked with high white filaments of cloud, feathered like birds’ wings. He breathed deeply, the pain in his ribs almost non-existent now. In the distance, to the east, he could see the bluish ridges of mountains. To the north there was only grass, stretching to the horizon.

They rode in a wide circle, returning to camp as the sun was beginning to set. Captain Arlert, leading a small patrol, rode up to meet them as they approached. His concerned look vanished as he saw that Erwin, far from being exhausted by so much exercise, appeared invigorated by the ride.

“Commander Erwin, Captain Levi,” Armin greeted them as he drew close to Erwin’s horse. “Hange was looking for you I think.”

“Nothing’s wrong is there?” Erwin asked.

“No. She was only wondering why you’d gone so far for your first real ride since you were injured. But it looks as though it’s done you no harm.”

“Far from it,” Erwin agreed. “In fact, I think it’s safe to say that we’ll be able to break camp the day after tomorrow. We’ll meet tomorrow morning, in my tent, to discuss logistics.”

As they made their way towards the improvised, pine-brush-roofed stables, Erwin noticed Heike Merkel and her two friends watching them from near the campfire. Heike’s eyes were fixed firmly on the oblivious Armin; her blond companion’s equally focussed on her. The bespectacled boy beside them seemed to find the whole situation comical. Remembering that he had once considered the possibility of Levi and Heike married with a Nile and Marie style family, Erwin felt a moment’s shame at the absurdity of his thoughts then. How could he ever have believed that Levi belonged anywhere but at his side?

The horses stabled and fed, Erwin, Levi and Armin’s squad went to eat their evening meal with the other troops around the fire. Hange tapped Levi on the shoulder and started to berate him for letting Erwin ride so far until she registered how perfectly healthy Erwin looked, at which point she gave up, with a toss of her hair. “Oh well. I suppose you two know what you’re doing. So – when are we leaving?”

After that, the news of the imminent departure spread quickly, to the pleasure of all the troops. As Erwin and Levi made their way back to the commander’s tent, Erwin overheard Heike asking Armin about oceans of salt water, and rivers of fire.

Inside the tent, Erwin lit the lamp and shrugged off his jacket. “I feel so much better for that ride,” he said, stretching.

“You’ll pay for it tomorrow.” Levi removed his own jacket and shook out his bedding roll, setting it in its usual position along side Erwin’s camp bed. “You do know you’re going to ache like fuck?”

“Yes. It doesn’t matter.”

Levi helped Erwin unbuckle the most difficult to reach buckles of his harness, then left him to take off the rest while he removed his own. When they’d both stripped off their manoeuvre gear, Levi packed the blades and gear into their cases, while Erwin folded the harnesses and stowed them under the bed. Levi went to the washstand in the corner of the tent, and poured water from the ewer into the ceramic bowl. “You want to go first?”

“Ah – no, you go ahead. I’d better write to Zackly – let him know our intended departure date.”

“I’ll do that. You’ve tested your arm enough with all that riding.”

Erwin flexed his fingers experimentally. “Well – that’s probably a good idea. Oh – I used the last of the writing paper yesterday. There’s more in the trunk.”

While Erwin stripped off his shirt and started to wash, Levi went to the trunk, which had been pushed into a corner to make enough room for both of them in the tent. He set up a folding chair, intending to use the trunk as a writing desk. Erwin washed, adept now at squeezing out the flannel one-handed.

“What’s this?”

Erwin turned to see Levi holding up the little sculpted wren. “Oh – I accidentally stole that from the royal library. I was using it as a paperweight. Hange –” He stopped, remembering his state of mind during that conversation with Hange. It seemed an age ago now.

“Hange what?” Levi asked.

“Hange said it reminded her of you.”

“Tch. Because it’s so small?”

“More because it looks as though it’s about to take flight.”

“Hm.” Levi turned the little bird over in his hands. “It’s – not bad.”

“I couldn’t look at it,” Erwin admitted. “Not after Hange said that. I kept on telling myself I’d done the right thing, making you leave, but I – Well, I couldn’t look at it, anyway.”

Levi only dipped his pen into the ink well. “So – what d’you want me to put in this letter?”

Erwin gave Levi a summary of the information Zackly would need. Levi nodded and got to work. It was years since Erwin had needed to dictate letters to him word for word; he had long ago learned the appropriate terms of address and the formal style of military correspondence.

Erwin finished washing and changed into the loose trousers he slept in. He sat on his bed and watched Levi. As he wrote, Levi’s brows were contracted in concentration, his fine profile lit by the flickering lamplight. Beside him, on the edge of the trunk he was using as a desk, the little wren sculpture perched, poised as if for flight. Levi’s hand moved across the paper, forming letters with his habitual care, the soft scratching of the nib the only sound.

“I love you,” Erwin said.

Levi’s hand stopped moving – then resumed at the same steady pace. He finished the letter, blotted it, placed it neatly in the centre of the trunk for Erwin’s signature. He got to his feet and crossed the tent to Erwin who rose to meet him, clasping him to his chest as soon as he was close enough.

“I love you,” Erwin said again.

Levi looked up at him. “I know that, idiot. I knew that when you didn’t.”

“But I made you doubt it. How could I have been so stupid? If you’d taken me at my word – if you’d gone –”

“Tch. The _ifs_ were always your department, anyway. I just got shit done.”

Erwin smiled. “You did. You _do_.”

Levi pushed Erwin back onto the bed and kissed him. The narrow camp bed rocked alarmingly.

“Huh. That’s not –”

“Safer on the floor –”

“Yeah.”

Despite all the rumours that their sharing a tent had sparked, the truth was that Erwin and Levi had hardly touched each other since the titan attack, beyond the necessary intimacies of nursing care. At first Erwin’s injuries had prevented much contact, and, when he’d begun to heal, despite the heat that sometimes flared between them, they’d held back out of a mutual fear of disturbing their newly established peace. But they both felt that something had settled, now.

“Still have to be careful.” Levi leaned on one elbow, looking down at Erwin who lay beside him on the straw mattress on the floor. In the lamplight the bruising on Erwin’s skin was almost invisible, but Levi knew it was still there, and that his ribs, although healing well, remained fragile.

Erwin removed Levi’s cravat, and started to unfasten the buttons of his shirt, his no-longer swollen fingers back to their hard-won dexterity. “Not _too_ careful,” he said, and Levi’s breath caught at the look in Erwin’s eyes: lust, yes – so much heat that Levi was immediately hard and wanting – but something else, too: something that had been entirely missing the last time – something Levi had been missing for so long -

“ _Erwin_ …”

Erwin reached up and touched Levi’s lips with his fingers. “Levi?”

Levi kissed Erwin’s fingers, then his palm, his forehead, his mouth. He ran his hand lightly down over Erwin’s chest avoiding the worst of his bruises, then more firmly, lingering over the toned muscles of his abdomen, and finally slipped it under the waistband of his trousers to find the welcome hard heat of his cock. Erwin sighed at the pleasure of Levi’s touch. Levi frowned though. “Shit,” he said, releasing Erwin and sitting up suddenly, “what’re we gonna use? The lamp oil will be too hot, and, anyway, I don’t want to put the lamp out - I want to look at you.”

“There’s a bottle of oil at the bottom of the trunk,” Erwin said.

“Oh? You planned this?”

“No. I only _hoped_ –”

“Right. Good. Don’t – don’t go anywhere.”

Erwin smiled at that. “I’m not going anywhere, Levi.”

 

Although sex between them had never been a frequent thing, they knew each other’s bodies well enough to make the mechanics of the act easy, despite having to take things more slowly than they were used to, in consideration of Erwin’s injuries. But it had never been like this – never exposed like this - Levi straddling Erwin, looking down into his eyes; Erwin focussed only on Levi’s face; both of them caught and held in their mutual gaze.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Levi whispered reverentially, pushing himself down onto Erwin’s cock as Erwin thrust upwards to meet him. Erwin stroked his hand up Levi’s thigh, coming to rest on his waist, as Levi rolled his hips in the way that Erwin loved and started to move in earnest. Erwin drew in a shuddering breath at the intensity of the feeling. He let go of Levi’s waist, caught his hand and linked their fingers together, his strong arm steadying Levi as they moved with and against each other - slowly at first, then faster and faster, their easy, established rhythm breaking down, becoming frenetic. Levi reached for his own cock with his free hand, working himself with increasingly frantic strokes as they both approached the edge, but his eyes never left Erwin’s. They came within seconds of each other, Levi crying, “ _Erwin!”_ , Erwin gasping, “ _Levi_ –”

 

Levi lay close against Erwin, resting his head on Erwin’s good shoulder, cushioned by the stump of his right arm. Erwin kissed Levi’s forehead.

“Should probably clean up…” Levi said.

“Hmm.”

Neither of them moved. After a while, Erwin pulled the blanket over them and closed his eyes, enjoying the warmth of Levi pressed against his right side, drowsily aware of the way their breathing was falling into the same, steady rhythm, wondering whether Levi was already asleep.

“Levi?” Erwin asked softly.

“Fuck it,” Levi murmured. “It can wait ’til morning.”

*

Spirits were high when they broke camp two days later. Erwin had decided to travel northeast over the grasslands, avoiding the more mountainous areas until the problems with the blades had been resolved and more was known about how many titans were likely to be left. Armin had received a report from Jean Kirschstein saying that some former Wallists had been working with Eren Jaeger on possible ways to control any aberrant titans that were left. Erwin had glanced at Levi as Armin read out the report. “Well, we won’t take any chances. It’s not as though there’s any particular urgency…”

Levi had only nodded, coming as close as he ever did to a smile.

 

The grasslands reminded Levi of the terrain he had covered on his solo expedition, but, mercifully, they were less marshy, and the going was good. There were no further sightings of titans, and no remains of former human habitation beyond a few scattered stone dwellings. In the absence of anything much to survey, Hange put the soldiers to work bringing her specimens of plant and animal life, keeping herself occupied with note-making and excited theorising, and Moblit busy with endless drawing, recording their finds. They both seemed thoroughly contented in their research.

Levi and Erwin rode out together whenever possible. At first they had the legitimate excuse of exercise being beneficial to Erwin’s on-going recovery, but even when it was obvious to everyone that he had fully healed, they maintained their habit of taking patrols together, leaving Armin and Hange in charge.

They came to the sea by accident, one cold, drizzly morning, riding far ahead of the main expedition. Levi reigned in Pepper suddenly and stood in the saddle, sniffing the air much as Mike might have done.

“What is it?” Erwin asked.

“The air,” Levi said – “That smell - like salt -”

Erwin took a deep breath through his nose. “Yes – what is that? It’s distinctive.”

I’ve smelled this before,” Levi told him. “I’m not sure but I think – over that ridge – the sea.”

Erwin’s eyes widened. “Are you sure? I thought you said you’d never reached the sea?”

Levi looked away. “I didn't reach it. But the air smelled like this, and - I think I saw it, in the distance. A line of blue.”

Erwin stared at him. “Then why –”

Levi looked back, challenge in his eyes. “I wanted it like _this_. With you.”

Before Erwin could say anything, Levi turned Pepper and sped towards the low ridge before them. Erwin followed. They both stopped as soon as they crested the rise. The land continued for a short distance in front of them, sloping gently down to grassy hillocks protruding from white sand. Beyond that, vast, flat, and grey, stretched the unimaginable expanse of the ocean.

Neither of them spoke as they rode closer. They left the horses grazing near the dunes, and walked down to the beach. The powdery sand near the dunes was pockmarked with raindrops and sank beneath their boots, making walking difficult. Closer to the sea, the sand darkened, wet from the tide, and firmer underfoot. Levi looked up as a gull flew out of the dunes and away, with slow wing beats, over the ocean.

Levi and Erwin kept walking as tiny lace-edged waves unravelled over their boots. Erwin knelt in the water, scooped some into his hand, offered it to Levi to taste.

“It _is_ salty,” Levi said, as Erwin tried the seawater in turn, “but something else, too. It’s not like anything else.”

Erwin let the water flow from his hand back into the sea. “I never thought we’d live to see this.”

Levi said nothing, thinking, like Erwin, of all those who hadn’t lived. In the past he might have reminded Erwin of that – merciless as he had been in the testing of his faith. But there was no longer any need for testing. He looked out at the calm water, beneath the low clouds and the rain. The horizon was indistinct, grey on grey. Erwin wiped his hand dry on his cloak, and stood beside Levi, gazing out to sea. Levi looked up at him.

“It’s not blue, like it was in Armin’s book. But it’s beautiful, isn’t it?”

“It is.”

Levi touched Erwin’s hand, and Erwin wrapped his fingers around Levi’s. They stood together, looking out over the ocean, to a barely perceptible horizon that no living human had ever seen.

“Fucking cold though,” Levi said, after a while.

“I’m soaked through,” Erwin nodded. “Shall we go back?”

Levi shivered a little under the relentless rain, but his hand was warm in Erwin’s as they turned away from the sea, and walked back up the beach, towards the waiting horses, together.


End file.
